I don't want to be part of a threesome!

[MayHug]

BG:
I have a friend , Jane,that was an acquaintance for about eight years and has now been a friend for two. Around the same time we became closer as friends, we both were introduced to another friend, Susie, we'd never met.
End BG

Jane and Susie have since become very good friends. They do most everything together. My problem is if I call one to do something, they always want to include the other. Or they will obviously consult with one another before answering. I don't mind doing things all together, but occasionally would like to do something with just one. We do things as a group with our husbands who are also friends. But even then it's all three couples, not just two.

My question is , how do I let them know I'd like it to be just the two of us this time or just the two couples? I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I have said in the past " Oh, I was thinking it could be just the two of us" usually to Jane and she will say " I don't want Susie to feel left out" But they don't seem to mind leaving me out when they do things together. (which I'm fine with)

[NotTheNarcissist]

Mayhug, I know you've already mentioned to Jane that you'd like to do something just the 2 of you, but she is 'not getting it' which means you'll need to spell it out for her as you have done here. Repeat that you are not trying to be rude, but if it were me, I would add that quality trumps quantity and I feel like my quality time is diluted when there are more people around. Also I would add this is once in a while request, not forever. I hope someone else can help you with wording, but that is the angle I would go.

For the record, I have requested 'alone' time with girlfriends for years in order to avoid this very issue, & fortunately for me, my girlfriends agree with me about the quality trumping quantity.

[Knitterly]

I don't think you can, really.

One-on-one girlfriend time with one or the other is just not likely to happen, and trying to insist on it could ruin your friendship with both.

My advice would be to expand your social circle and if you're looking for one-on-one girl time, ask another friend entirely.

[Bijou]

Invite them individually to your home to visit.  If they insist on the other coming, even with a private invitation like that, I think it is a lost cause.

[amylouky]

Well, that's certainly an eye-catching title.

I can understand Jane being worried about Susie feeling left out, but it is frustrating to always get the two-for-one deal.

Maybe you could give Jane an out by having "one extra ticket" to a play/movie/whatever and asking if she'd like to join you?

If she declines because Susie can't come, then she's making it clear that she prefers the threesome to one-on-one get togethers.

[bopper]

"I don't think she would feel left out. I certainly don't if you two do thing together, because I know we do things as a group too.  I may like to do things sometimes with just Susie too, so it isn't like I am favoring anyone."

[Jocelyn]

May,
I realize everyone's different, but I just can't understand why, if you like Jane and Susie and want to socialize with both of them, socializing with both of them TOGETHER is a problem. If all three couples get along, why not get a table for 6? My first thought, if I were Jane or Susie, is that you or your husband disliked one of us or our husbands, and the 'just 2 couples' or 'just the 2 of us' is a deliberate attempt to avoid socializing with the disliked person. I think Jane and Susie have very much gotten your message,  and they're sending the message back that neither of them is going to be a partner to cutting the other one out.  Unless you're planning on an activity that one of them dislikes or can't participate in, I don't see any way to say, 'Just you, Jane, let's not include Susie' without hurting feelings. Even so, I'd say, 'Jane and Susie, how about a trip to the opera? Oh, yes, Susie, I know your husband hates opera...just didn't want you to be left out of the invitation.' I personally would feel VERY uncomfortable (if I were Jane) to have you say, 'Let's the two of us go somewhere, and not invite Susie.'

[NotTheNarcissist]

May,
I realize everyone's different, but I just can't understand why, if you like Jane and Susie and want to socialize with both of them, socializing with both of them TOGETHER is a problem. If all three couples get along, why not get a table for 6? My first thought, if I were Jane or Susie, is that you or your husband disliked one of us or our husbands, and the 'just 2 couples' or 'just the 2 of us' is a deliberate attempt to avoid socializing with the disliked person. I think Jane and Susie have very much gotten your message,  and they're sending the message back that neither of them is going to be a partner to cutting the other one out.  Unless you're planning on an activity that one of them dislikes or can't participate in, I don't see any way to say, 'Just you, Jane, let's not include Susie' without hurting feelings. Even so, I'd say, 'Jane and Susie, how about a trip to the opera? Oh, yes, Susie, I know your husband hates opera...just didn't want you to be left out of the invitation.' I personally would feel VERY uncomfortable (if I were Jane) to have you say, 'Let's the two of us go somewhere, and not invite Susie.'

I socialize much better one-on-one than in a group. I will share more of the real me. It's the way I am made, and frankly, I like it. I can't speak for the OP, but I will always prefer a small group or one-on-one if I am expected to contribute the real me to the rel@ationship. Mix in a few larger social events a year on top of several one-on-one fun with friends, and it seems well-rounded and balanced. Not everyone will understand this, and that is ok, but those who do will get it loud and clear.

[MayHug]

Jocelyn,

I understand what you're saying, but I am excluded from outings with Jane and Susie and/or their husbands. I am perfectly ok with that.
The dynamics of just a chat with a girlfriend and a chat with two girlfriends is just different for me. I feel closer to Jane as we're very similar in many ways, the same age, kids the same age where as Susie is young, and childless.

I find it odd that you would be VERY uncomfortable inviting just one friend to do something? I would never say "let's not invite one or the other" I just find it odd, that they always include the other when invited.

I don't think I'm sending any "vibes" I always go along with it, like it's no problem. I just thought maybe there was a polite way to say " Can it just be us?"

[MayHug]

[/quote]
I socialize much better one-on-one than in a group. I will share more of the real me. It's the way I am made, and frankly, I like it. I can't speak for the OP, but I will always prefer a small group or one-on-one if I am expected to contribute the real me to the rel@ationship. Mix in a few larger social events a year on top of several one-on-one fun with friends, and it seems well-rounded and balanced. Not everyone will understand this, and that is ok, but those who do will get it loud and clear.
[/quote]

This is exactly me!

[penelope2017]

Maybe you could invite Jane to a parent/child thing or something tailored to your specific similarities? A parenting lecture, a family event or something, etc?

I think there's nothing wrong with Jane and Susie excluding you as you said they are closer to each other than you. Perhaps they choose to do all their socializing together? I think if you've specifically brought it to Jane's attention, and it hasn't done any good, you might need to find some other friends if you prefer one on one time.

If you keep pushing it, you're likely to insult or irritate one or both and lose both friendships. I'd be sort of insulted as Susie if you were asking Jane to specifically leave me out of a social outing. If they are very close it is possible she's mentioned it to her.

[SamiHami]

This thread isn't at all what I expected...

There's nothing wrong with wanting some time alone with a friend. If I invite a friend to get together and she says, "Oh, we should invite X because she'll feel left out if we don't!" The simple response is, "Well, she's a big girl. I'm sure she'll be fine. Maybe we can do something with her another time, but this time I would like to get together with just you."

After that it's up to your friend to decide if she wants to accept your invitation as it is.

[Hunter-Gatherer]

I realize everyone's different, but I just can't understand why, if you like Jane and Susie and want to socialize with both of them, socializing with both of them TOGETHER is a problem.

I can think of lots of reasons.  The most obvious one I can think of is that I get the impression that Jane and Susie are both closer to each other than they are to the OP.  I can definitely envision scenarios under which that's just ever so slightly awkward, making the OP feel a bit like a third wheel.  I also think that the OP might be somewhat closer to Jane than to Susie, in which case there might be things she might want to talk about or share with Jane that she might not want to talk about or share with Susie. 

I personally would feel VERY uncomfortable (if I were Jane) to have you say, 'Let's the two of us go somewhere, and not invite Susie.'

We're not talking about a social unit here though.  Jane and Susie aren't a couple.   Jane and Susie do all sorts of stuff where it's just the two of them, or just the two of them and their respective husbands.  Personally, I'd be bothered by the whole, "I will do stuff with Susie without you, but I won't do stuff with you without Susie."  It's clearly saying that your relationship is second class. 

[QueenofAllThings]

I don't know how you'd do this, but try to plan something with one of them (with or without spouses) when the other is a) working, b) away on vacation, or c) otherwise occupied with other plans (family wedding, etc). If it works out, you can always follow up with "It was so nice to spend time, just the two of us - it really gives me a chance to talk with you and see what you are up to".

[StuffedGrapeLeaves]

Maybe you could give Jane an out by having "one extra ticket" to a play/movie/whatever and asking if she'd like to join you?

If she declines because Susie can't come, then she's making it clear that she prefers the threesome to one-on-one get togethers.

I agree with this approach.  If this doesn't work, then you know where you stand with them, and you can decide whether that's acceptable to you.