General Etiquette > All In A Day's Work
ExFriend is coming to my department...small update pg2
Lazra:
BG: Years ago, I was approached by a coworker (we'll call her 'Jane Doe' for this story) and asked if I would be willing to give her a lift to/from work every day. We lived at the same apartment complex and had the same work hours (plus I had been raised to think "I don't want to" just meant you were a whiny, selfish person who didn't have a "real" reason), so I said yes. :-[
Several years of being her chaffeur/personal assistant/ATM/IT/etc later, I was finally fed up enough to end it. It went poorly.
In hindsight, I should have stopped with "I can't drive you around anymore", but I made the mistake of thinking she deserved an explanation. I told her I felt used and unappreciated. Her hackles went up instantly; it's not that she doesn't appreciate what I do for her, it's that I'm a horrible ingrate for all she's done for me! Next day, I found a note on my desk. Six pages of passive aggressive "How could you! I'm so niiiiiiiice! I'm nice to you/other coworkers/stray cats!!!! You wouldn't even have a social life if it weren't for me! Oh well, I guess your family didn't raise you right. It's so sad to lose me as a friend, isn't it?" To which I responded with an angry letter of "I don't appreciate p/a emotional blackmail. How you treat others has nothing to do with me. My social life was fine before you; it'll be fine after. You're bringing my family into this? Seriously? >:( Not sad to lose your mooching dead weight. >:D" Zero communication has happened since this.
Did I mention it went poorly? :P
On the rare occacions Jane and I have crossed paths, we do our best to just ignore each other. As these encounters are literally just us passing each other in the hallway, ignoring and avoiding are easy. There was once when I had to wait behind her in line to use the copy machine. She didn't know I was there, and I was very quiet. The whole time, my stomach twisted into knots and Paranoid!Lazra kept whispering at me "What if she says something? What if she does something? What will you say? How will you react? You know she'll twist it into you being the big meanie and she's just a helpless victim." In the end when she did notice me, she frowned, I nervous!smiled, and she took her papers and left. My hands were shaking from nerves.
Due to anxiety issues, Paranoid!Lazra is persistent and quite loud in my head. Yes, I know she's completely irrational. ::) /End BG
My manager sent an email to the department this morning. Just an FYI that Jane Doe is transferring from Other Dept to work in Our Dept, also we're switching up cubicles.
I just stared in horror at that email for a good five minutes. Jane is coming, I'll see her every day, we'll be practically tripping over each other. All the cubicles down my aisle are currently taken, but Manager's sudden desire to play musical chairs means I could be sitting next to (or at least near to) Jane.
I don't even know what it is I'm afraid she'll do, but Paranoid!Lazra is currently up a ladder with a bullhorn screaming "Incoming! Duck and cover! Purple alert, people! I repeat, purple alert! This is not a drill!"
The question: Should I let Manager know I have a bad history with Jane? No details, just "we had a bad falling out, and I don't think I could work very closely with her."
I'm very much hoping the answer is yes, because then I can request a cubicle far away from Jane. If not, well...at least I get to wear headphones and can drown her out with my anime soundtracks. ;D
Other question: Well, really a request. Any tips on dealing with p/a exfriends or coworkers you'd be willing to share?
Any other folks with anxiety problems have tips on getting the bullhorn away from Paranoid!Lazra? :-X (No, I've never seen a professional about her or her ocd baggage. It's never impacted me this seriously before.)
MyFamily:
--- Quote from: Lazra on June 13, 2012, 10:07:43 PM ---The question: Should I let Manager know I have a bad history with Jane? No details, just "we had a bad falling out, and I don't think I could work very closely with her."
--- End quote ---
No, don't tell your manager that you have any history with Jane, especially a bad history. You want your manager to see you in the best possible light, and your story shows very bad conflict management skills.
--- Quote from: Lazra on June 13, 2012, 10:07:43 PM ---Other question: Well, really a request. Any tips on dealing with p/a exfriends or coworkers you'd be willing to share?
--- End quote ---
You treat her professionally. You don't have to be overly friendly with her, but you do have to treat her professionally. If that is hard, then reward yourself everytime you do treat her professionally. Maybe put a quarter in a jar and when the jar is full or after a certain time period, treat yourself to something special. Eventually, it will become a habit and you won't need the reward.
Jocelyn:
Don't tell your manager anything. Let Jane be the one who shows off her behind.
However, it might be a good time to discuss with your manager your need for a particular cubicle, if there's one that would minimize your contact with Jane, no matter where she's housed. ;D
bloo:
--- Quote from: MyFamily on June 13, 2012, 10:54:38 PM ---
--- Quote from: Lazra on June 13, 2012, 10:07:43 PM ---The question: Should I let Manager know I have a bad history with Jane? No details, just "we had a bad falling out, and I don't think I could work very closely with her."
--- End quote ---
No, don't tell your manager that you have any history with Jane, especially a bad history. You want your manager to see you in the best possible light, and your story shows very bad conflict management skills.
--- Quote from: Lazra on June 13, 2012, 10:07:43 PM ---Other question: Well, really a request. Any tips on dealing with p/a exfriends or coworkers you'd be willing to share?
--- End quote ---
You treat her professionally. You don't have to be overly friendly with her, but you do have to treat her professionally. If that is hard, then reward yourself everytime you do treat her professionally. Maybe put a quarter in a jar and when the jar is full or after a certain time period, treat yourself to something special. Eventually, it will become a habit and you won't need the reward.
--- End quote ---
I totally agree with these thoughts. You may be surprised to find that Jane feels the same way you do and if both of you are willing to 'suck it up' and be cordial that the dynamic will shift and you could have a pleasant work environment if you treat each other civilly. You may have to take the lead in this and, hopefully, Jane will follow it.
mharbourgirl:
There are certain people in my workplace, or that I interact with regularly in other parts of the company, that I absolutely cannot stand. Our personalities are so incompatible that it's uncomfortable just being in the same room. And those people? They have NO idea that I feel that way. It doesn't matter who it is, I am friendly, organized and professional in my demeanor and behaviour.
I agree, don't tell your manager the history of you and Jane. It's entirely irrelevant and will only give you manager one more thing to worry about. As for dealing with Jane, like MyFamily said, just treat her professionally, like you would any other co-worker. in this context she IS a co-worker, not an ex-friend. You can ignore your history and just carry on as if it didn't exist. Now granted, that will take some practice at least on an emotional level, but it's important to recognize that emotions are unreliable and can trip you up, especially when it comes to someone you HAVE to work with. It doesn't matter if you don't like her/she doesn't like you. While you're at work, work is the main priority and must be given the respect and attention it deserves.
And if you are behaving professionally towards her at all times, if/when she decides to be unpleasant towards you, SHE will be the one looking bad, especially to your bosses. They won't understand why she's being unpleasant, but since you are carrying yourself with grace and dignity in spite of her, it reflects very well on you and your professionalism. Bosses like that sort of thing, I've found.
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