Of in laws and childbirth (New Questions: pg 2)

[Talley]

This is not unreasonable at all. As a matter of fact, it is actually agood idea, especially with any family member who is not so good with boundaries. New baby, sleepless nights, hormones and potentially over-bearing family staying in the house with you are not a good mix at all.

When I had my DD, we told everyone that no one, absolutely no one, would be coming to stay with us for three weeks after the birth (both my family and the ILs were in different countries to where we were, and would have had to stay with us when visiting). I think everyone was more or less fine with that (I think, MIL protested, but was quickly shut down by FIL and DH), and it worked out very well. After three weeks I was getting the handle on the breast-feeding (it took both DD an me a bit of time to learn), and I wasn't quite such a banshee-howling bundle of post-partum hormones anymore.

As for the OP, the MIL is the one protesting, it should definitely be DH handling this and enforce the rule. If OP is alright with MIL staying at a hotel and visiting during the day, that might be an option if MIL agrees. But as the OP has stated that MIL has problems with boundaries in general, she might not...

[pwy a wyr]

Guys, thank you! I'm very different from my fil. He once took my sister in law shopping for honeymoon underwear and everyone was ok with that. Me, I'd be freaked out if my dad did that. The most personal my dad and I got was him getting me a cup of tea if I told him I had 'monthly pains'. Then ran away. So I did start wondering if I was being too harsh.

Mil has told him she's visiting just before and after the birth, despite her full knowledge of the overnight ban. She hasn't told us this though, and DH is aware a 'chat' may be needed. I think it might be a spot of jealousy. Mil lives 4 hours away. Fil lives 8 time zones away!

My SIL was inundated with houseguests during the first two months of my nephew's life - grandparents who wanted to see the first grandchild. She was constantly burdened with "helpful" advice about how her house was too cold for a baby, etc. The best was when my mother was holding the baby and declined to give him back to my SIL so that she could breastfeed it: "Oh, do you have to 'do that' now?? He's so comfortable in Grandma's arms!!"

This is mostly my fear. The in laws already try to offer an opinion on everything in our lives. I can't imagine the breastfeeding 'advice' they'll give. Did I mention I work with neonates and am a breastfeeding trainer? Yet, mil has already pooh pooed the 'sleeping on back' current cot death advice because it wasn't medical advice in her time.

And as I said, I don't do confrontation well. It's cry or shout. And that will not end well.

DH does want them around. They're his family and it will be an important time. But it'll be tricky. Thankfully, most decisions around birthing and things he passes to me because, as he says, I'll be the one pushing the thing out.

Thank you for making me feel the decision is ok. We're seeing them again next month, on the previous OK thread. Any good tips for when it comes up again? DH was great and not leaving me alone with him for the duration of this last trip, but he can't be next to me for the whole 10 days coming up. 

[O'Dell]

Don't have children, but I from what I've heard and observed, this isn't about fair - it is about survival.  You can't handle a newborn baby + overnight guests who apparently aren't the most boundary conscious to begin with.  Besides, this is coming from FIL on behalf of his ex-wife right?  Has she said something to you?  If not, just tell him that this is between you and MIL and bean dip.  With her, state the rule, give her her hotel option, and hold firm.

Ditto.

My friends recently had a baby and they let everyone know ahead of time that they wouldn't be telling anyone that they were at the hospital and that they didn't want visits the first week. After that, call ahead to make sure it's a good time. As far as I know, people respected their decision. With that in mind I think you are being more than flexible by allowing visitors during the day. If FIL is like that now, then you might want to consider not letting him visit for the first couple of weeks. Why expose yourself to the stress?

And I too am puzzled by FIL making a fuss over this for his ex.

[SamiHami]

I'm here to supply your affirmation!

I think a two-week waiting period is a terrific idea - honestly, I wish that I'd thought of it. Looking back on it, I didn't find caring for a newborn baby to be stressful. In-laws, however, usually are.

My SIL was inundated with houseguests during the first two months of my nephew's life - grandparents who wanted to see the first grandchild. She was constantly burdened with "helpful" advice about how her house was too cold for a baby, etc. The best was when my mother was holding the baby and declined to give him back to my SIL so that she could breastfeed it: "Oh, do you have to 'do that' now?? He's so comfortable in Grandma's arms!!"

And my own personal favorite was when she stayed with us after DD was born. We'd just gotten her home after two weeks in the NICU (she was born premature) and my mother lectured us about how we were giving her "inadequate care." Why? Because we didn't have a changing table for her yet. Yep. That's right. (In our defense, it was ordered! How could we have known she would come almost two months early??)

PLEASE tell me that you and your DH immediately kicked her out of your house!

[KenveeB]

You're not forbidding her from seeing her grandchild, you're just not allowing her to stay overnight during an already stressful time for you. She can come and stay in a hotel and visit just as often as the other grandma if she wants. I would suggest your best way to deal with FIL is to politely but firmly say "We'll discuss that with MIL" or "That's between us and MIL." There's no reason for him to be harranguing you on his ex's behalf!

[learningtofly]

We didn't have overnight guests for the first year.  We had a lot of daytime guests from the beginning, but no overnights.  It took me a while to find a place to BF and tried the living room before settling on the guest room.  Eventually we got a rocking chair for DD's room, but if we had had guests before then....

As for your FIL and boundaries, some of us are more comfortable then others.  When i was in the hospital and trying to get DD to latch the consultant and my mom went to help me.  All of the men left the room.  MIL stayed to watch.  She had never BF'd and had no advice to offer and I was extremely uncomfortable with her staring at me half naked.  I was too stunned she was staring at me to ask her to leave.  Once we were home DD and I went somewhere private with a lock if she was hungry.

Boundaries are a good thing and you may be tired in those first few weeks.  House guests might keep you from napping during the day.  Do what is best for you and baby.

[Winterlight]

Don't have children, but I from what I've heard and observed, this isn't about fair - it is about survival.  You can't handle a newborn baby + overnight guests who apparently aren't the most boundary conscious to begin with. 

Agreed. You want to be sane at the end of these visits, and if them staying at the house will stress you out you have every right and reason to set boundaries.

[LeveeWoman]

Any good tips for when it comes up again? DH was great and not leaving me alone with him for the duration of this last trip, but he can't be next to me for the whole 10 days coming up.

Tell him that every time he mentions it will result in an additional week's delay.

I'm not sure what to tell you about how to avoid being alone with him. Could you leave the room/vicinity every time you're alone with him?

[bopper]

My mom came and stayed with us because 1) she is a neo-natal nurse and 2) she is helpful 3) She put up with enough drama with her family that she made sure to be drama free with me.

The purpose of having someone come stay with you is because they are a net positive.  Your inlaws seem like they will be a net negative.

You could also try a different tactic...instead of "we don't want you here the first two weeks" you could say "DH will be going back to work after two weeks and it would be so much more helpful if you came then".

[VltGrantham]

I'd let DH handle this and have him make it perfectly clear when you will be available for company and what will be expected.  In other words, they are welcome to come visit the baby, but overnight stays in your home are only going to be allowed if they are o.k. with doing the prep work for their own stay, providing the food, and taking care of themselves.  You will not be hostessing anybody for the first several weeks and only want visitors who are either going to stay in short spurts or make themselves useful.

[crella]

If they're not the type to take care of themselves, and expect to be waited on (I don't know from your post) then six weeks, eight weeks, is not unreasonable in my view. It takes about 6 weeks post-partum to start to feel 'with it', learn the baby's patterns, get over the birth etc. It's your house, you get to decide.

It's unfair, too, to make you decide now. You don't know what kind of a baby you'll have, how much sleep you'll get..you're being asked to make a decision on speculation.

You and your DH need to decide what's best for you, and put your collective foot down  While the family meeting the baby is of course important, it can't be done at the expense of your privacy, comfort, ability to rest whenever you want, etc. Hugs to the both of you as you deal with this!

[WillyNilly]

Wow.  I have to say I think your "no overnight visitors for two weeks" is ridiculously lax; that your FIL  is complaining is so beyond unacceptable I'm flabbergasted.  I honestly think saying "no visitors for more then 1 hour at a time, maximum 2 guests at any one time, maximum 4 guests any one day, for the first 3 months" would be reasonable (and in fact is the personal guideline I use when visiting new parents).  Oh and "guests can help themselves to a beverage and wash their glass out before they leave, but no one will be waited on other then the new mom and the baby" is another I think totally reasonable rule.  (Of course individual exceptions made on a daily, case by case basis can be made, I'm just saying these as general baseline rules).

[weeblewobble]

You are being perfectly reasonable. Plus, you are hormonal and crying and screaming at fil its perfectly fine in my opinion.
Saddest thing I ever heard was friend whose elderly parents came to stay with her and her dh right after birth of their first. When we visited, several weeks later, she told me she had stopped trying to breastfeed ” because it took so long” and she ” had to help my parents when they were here, my moms health isn't good and she couldn't cook or help around the house”.

That is so sad. With my babies, sometimes the only quiet moments I got during the day was shutting us up in one of the back bedrooms and nursing. If she wanted to do it and she wasn't able to, that just breaks my heart.

[weeblewobble]

Guys, thank you! I'm very different from my fil. He once took my sister in law shopping for honeymoon underwear and everyone was ok with that. Me, I'd be freaked out if my dad did that. The most personal my dad and I got was him getting me a cup of tea if I told him I had 'monthly pains'. Then ran away. :

Smart man.

[BarensMom]

Banning visitors for the first two weeks is under-estimating, I think.  If I were you, I'd prefer the 3-month ban that a PP suggested.  If FIL objects, DH can just say that you two want to get to know the baby and HE feels that can't be done with a troop of people trampling throughout the house.