Author Topic: Of in laws and childbirth (New Questions: pg 2)  (Read 11041 times)

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Piratelvr1121

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Re: Of in laws and childbirth (New Questions: pg 2)
« Reply #45 on: June 14, 2012, 03:57:53 PM »
Nah, you're not being unreasonable at all.  My mother came out the day after my first son was born and at the time I thought "Yeah I really want my mom to come and help out" and in all truth she did, but in hindsight I would have kinda liked if she'd come when he was about 2 weeks old. 

It didn't help that my first son was born on the day we were supposed to pick up the keys to our base house.  He was born at 11:10 that morning and as soon as I was settled into the postpartum room, he had to go to the housing office to pick up the keys and start moving things in.   And we also had to unpack and set up the house.   Even though I'd just had a baby, my mother wouldn't let me sit down unless I was nursing or eating.  I had to be up up and moving, putting things away but she didn't say boo to my husband and told him to do things that involved sitting down.  How messed up is that?

When my second son was born, she came out when he was 2 weeks old and it went much smoother.

And who needs a changing table? Half the time I change the babe on the floor.
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apple

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Re: Of in laws and childbirth (New Questions: pg 2)
« Reply #46 on: June 14, 2012, 04:00:44 PM »
When our kids were born, we had a lot of relatives close by. We told them "visit us at the hospital" if they wanted to see the baby right away; otherwise, wait two weeks to come to the house.

When our grandkids were born, they were on the other side of the country from us. In both cases, we were told to wait until the baby was a month old before scheduling a visit. We were happy to comply. Actually, I remember the second baby being six weeks old when we visited.

Honestly, I think a one month old or even six weeks old baby is a lot more interesting, and the parents are going to be more organized and relaxed.

Set boundaries now; it won't get easier later on.

BeagleMommy

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Re: Of in laws and childbirth (New Questions: pg 2)
« Reply #47 on: June 14, 2012, 04:08:32 PM »
POD to everyone whose said "Your baby, your house, your rules".  FIL is being beyond appalling.

When I had DS the only one who came was my mother.  She stayed for two weeks and cooked and took care of me while I learned to be mommy.  My MIL came for two weeks after that and did the same.  I was forever grateful.  My dad came later.  My FIL was funny.  He asked MIL if it was okay to visit or if I was still completing my "confinement".  I guess that's the term that was used by his generation.

jedikaiti

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Re: Of in laws and childbirth
« Reply #48 on: June 14, 2012, 04:32:08 PM »
Mil has told him she's visiting just before and after the birth, despite her full knowledge of the overnight ban. She hasn't told us this though, and DH is aware a 'chat' may be needed. I think it might be a spot of jealousy. Mil lives 4 hours away. Fil lives 8 time zones away!

Have a list of hotels ready in case she shows up on your doorstep with a suitcase.
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RandomAngel

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Re: Of in laws and childbirth
« Reply #49 on: June 14, 2012, 04:41:41 PM »
Mil has told him she's visiting just before and after the birth, despite her full knowledge of the overnight ban. She hasn't told us this though, and DH is aware a 'chat' may be needed. I think it might be a spot of jealousy. Mil lives 4 hours away. Fil lives 8 time zones away!

Have a list of hotels ready in case she shows up on your doorstep with a suitcase.

...and one of those chain-lock thingies so your door only opens a couple of inches....

mharbourgirl

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Re: Of in laws and childbirth (New Questions: pg 2)
« Reply #50 on: June 15, 2012, 07:25:11 AM »
Just look at it this way:  All the practice you're getting now saying 'NO!' to your in-laws will come in handy when your child is older and wants to do things they're not supposed to do.

Always a silver lining, if you look at it right.  ;D

penelope2017

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Re: Of in laws and childbirth (New Questions: pg 2)
« Reply #51 on: June 15, 2012, 10:16:09 AM »
Is there any reason the IL's can't come and stay in a hotel? I didn't see that addressed.

Cami

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Re: Of in laws and childbirth (New Questions: pg 2)
« Reply #52 on: June 15, 2012, 11:01:50 AM »
Although I had a rocky relationship with my mother, she came out for the birth of my child and the first week thereafter because I knew that regardless, she would be good in that situation and she was. She was a godsend. I will be forever grateful for her presence and help.

OTOH, I also knew my MIL would drive me to drink at best and to mayhem at worst if she were here when dd was a newborn. We settled on her coming out -- and staying in a hotel -- when dd was a month old. I was right, but she was actually worse than I expected.  Not only did she expect us to wait on HER hand and foot and did NOTHING to help, she was incredibly judgmental and rude about the condition of our house and my post-baby body. I will never forget the horrible nasty things she said to me. And she barely held the baby once -- yes, that baby that she'd hounded us to have for ten years and whined and cried and carried on about not being let into the delivery room to watch being born. Once the baby was here, she didn't care. She actually told me, "I'm like anticipation more than reality. When are you going to get pregnant again?" I'm SO SO SO glad I wasn't dealing with that immediately after childbirth.

/hijack. Sorry! Didn't realize how much my MIL's post-baby behavior still bugged me years later! So... stay strong and do what you know is best.

taffywduck

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Re: Of in laws and childbirth (New Questions: pg 2)
« Reply #53 on: June 15, 2012, 11:12:50 AM »
I think you are quite reasonable, hell you don't even have to accept overnight visitors... ever! Afterall, you decide what you are comfortable with and whoever wants to visit can either accept booking a hotel or just not seeing you very often. No one gets to bully you into hosting them!

We'll be having another little one in December, due on my DSS (dear stepson)'s birthday, which is just after DH's birthday and right before mine (not to mention Christmas) and I don't feel like having visitors to entertain when I get back home with a tiny newborn to a 3yo DD and 7yo DSS who will also have to adjust to life with a new sibling. So if my in-laws want to visit they can come after a week or two (for Christmas) and entertain themselves! Though I doubt this will be a problem for us since MIL usually takes over all my chores when she's around (it's alright with me, she always asks) and if she's tired DH knows that he'll be doing the entertaining.

If your in-laws are the kind to sit around and expect you to wait on them right after you've given birth then I say you shouldn't set a definite amount of time before you'll accept overnight visitors. You don't know when you'll be feeling up for it and even if your DH takes over all hosting duties it's going to drive you up the wall not to be able to host them as you wished. Stress and milk supply don't mix.

If all else fails and your in-laws make a big fuss, just put on your bravest face and go:

"Ahahaha. No."

You have to have a very sincere laugh followed by a deapan and firm No, it'll confuse them into being speechless. I'm not always a very polite person when my boundaries and comfort are disregarded...  :-[

LeveeWoman

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Re: Of in laws and childbirth (New Questions: pg 2)
« Reply #54 on: June 15, 2012, 11:16:03 AM »
Is there any reason the IL's can't come and stay in a hotel? I didn't see that addressed.

From pwy a wyr's first post:  DH has told them that they can visit in the day if they come in those two weeks, but no overnight guests.
Fil has taken umbrage to this.

Wolfgirl

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Re: Of in laws and childbirth (New Questions: pg 2)
« Reply #55 on: June 15, 2012, 11:35:48 AM »
Little to add other than you are entirely justified OP, and I agree that you should keep the ban open-ended until you can see how it's all going/you are coping, and also judge how the in-laws behave during daytime visits. Unless the answer is "saintly" then you have NO obligation to allow them to stay over, I say! Good luck!! :D

jane7166

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Re: Of in laws and childbirth (New Questions: pg 2)
« Reply #56 on: June 15, 2012, 09:11:55 PM »
When I read the word "confinement, " it reminded me of my grandmother's days.  She gave birth at home (10 times) and the midwife or nurse stayed for 12 days.  The new mother mostly stayed in bed and nursed the baby and got her strength back.  Visitors could come in and peek and were soon ushered out.  Mom wasn't expected to do anything except REST.  Crazy in-laws had no say in what the new mom did. 

We need a 21st century version of this. 

Iris

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Re: Of in laws and childbirth (New Questions: pg 2)
« Reply #57 on: June 15, 2012, 10:01:22 PM »
When I read the word "confinement, " it reminded me of my grandmother's days.  She gave birth at home (10 times) and the midwife or nurse stayed for 12 days.  The new mother mostly stayed in bed and nursed the baby and got her strength back.  Visitors could come in and peek and were soon ushered out.  Mom wasn't expected to do anything except REST.  Crazy in-laws had no say in what the new mom did. 

We need a 21st century version of this.

Hear, hear.

I am astounded by the fact that your MIL is telling someone ELSE about her plans to visit you without taking the trouble to run them by you or DH. For me, "them's fightin' words" and I hate confrontation just as much as the next person.
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LadyClaire

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Re: Of in laws and childbirth (New Questions: pg 2)
« Reply #58 on: June 15, 2012, 11:27:33 PM »


If your in-laws are the kind to sit around and expect you to wait on them right after you've given birth then I say you shouldn't set a definite amount of time before you'll accept overnight visitors. You don't know when you'll be feeling up for it and even if your DH takes over all hosting duties it's going to drive you up the wall not to be able to host them as you wished. Stress and milk supply don't mix.


That would be my in-laws. My BIL and his wife recently had their first baby. MIL plopped herself down on the couch, expected to be catered to and waited on, only wanted to play with the baby, and handed the baby back as soon as he needed changing or started doing something she didn't like. Never once offered to change him or help in any other way.

My SIL is still mad about it. DH and I already have agreed on rules regarding his family when we have a baby based on MIL's various crazy/rude/demanding behavior during SIL's pregnancy and birth.

gmatoy

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Re: Of in laws and childbirth (New Questions: pg 2)
« Reply #59 on: June 16, 2012, 01:49:10 AM »
Chiming in to say: Moved 3000 miles between my two children and was so glad to be near MY family for the second birth. So, of course, my BIL came to visit when DD was less than 2 months old. He tried very hard to be the perfect guest and managed it 99.99% of the time. But it was still more than I could handle. So several weeks seems way nicer than I could/would have been.

P.S. I did have a changing table...which I couldn't use because I am short and it was too high for me. :P