Can't say MYOB as it isn't my B either

[NyaChan]

An old and close friend of mine recently found out that her parents' ( mom & stepdad, birth father out of the picture after bad divorce) marriage was a big ol' sham.  Apparently her mom couldn't take the fact that the most recent mistress was given a (supposedly) false indication that marriage might be forthcoming and moved out.  My friend had no idea - when her mom moved, she asked if this was due to marital difficulties or if a divorce was forthcoming and her mom completely denied it (there were other plausible reasons for the move).  It turns out that her mother lied and one day just unloaded a great deal of information about the situation onto my friend about what had been happening for the past decade.  I have been trying to comfort her while she deals with it.  There is a lot more information about the way the relationship broke down, but I don't want to put too much out there.  I'll just say that she was kept in the dark about a lot of things.  She emailed me at work today really really upset saying that she had asked her mom how things stood between herself and her stepdad and her mom basically said that "it doesn't affect you" and that she doesn't have the right to be upset at her about it.  I totally understand why she would be upset with her mother (all that stuff I don't want to put out here), but at the same time - I kind of agree with her mother in that, the state of her marriage is not something my friend necessarily has a right to know.  I am having trouble responding to her communications about this subject when she has similar conversations with her mother. 

1) Is friend out of line to expect updates on the "marriage"?
2) What do I say to help & not hurt?

[Solanna Dryden]

Your friend is being told that her parents' marriage troubles don't affect her? Seriously? Even if she's an adult and out of the house, these are still her parents. Yes, it wouldn't be appropriate for her to hear all the gory, intimate details, but a simple "yes, we are headed for divorce at the moment," or "no, right now we are trying to work things out," is not too much to ask, in my opinion.

As for what you can say to help...I'm not sure. Just be a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on. Sounds like she may need it.

[LeveeWoman]

An old and close friend of mine recently found out that her parents' ( mom & stepdad, birth father out of the picture after bad divorce) marriage was a big ol' sham.  Apparently her mom couldn't take the fact that the most recent mistress was given a (supposedly) false indication that marriage might be forthcoming and moved out.  My friend had no idea - when her mom moved, she asked if this was due to marital difficulties or if a divorce was forthcoming and her mom completely denied it (there were other plausible reasons for the move).  It turns out that her mother lied and one day just unloaded a great deal of information about the situation onto my friend about what had been happening for the past decade.  I have been trying to comfort her while she deals with it.  There is a lot more information about the way the relationship broke down, but I don't want to put too much out there.  I'll just say that she was kept in the dark about a lot of things.  She emailed me at work today really really upset saying that she had asked her mom how things stood between herself and her stepdad and her mom basically said that "it doesn't affect you" and that she doesn't have the right to be upset at her about it.  I totally understand why she would be upset with her mother (all that stuff I don't want to put out here), but at the same time - I kind of agree with her mother in that, the state of her marriage is not something my friend necessarily has a right to know.  I am having trouble responding to her communications about this subject when she has similar conversations with her mother. 

1) Is friend out of line to expect updates on the "marriage"?
2) What do I say to help & not hurt?

Are you talking about polygamy?

[doodlemor]

Once your friend's mother unloaded on her she should keep her updated.

There isn't much that you can say.  Just be her friend and listen.   

It sounds like your friend's mother is a difficult person.  No matter what she may say against her mother, don't agree with her - stay neutral in your comments. 

No matter how angry your friend may get at her mother, sooner or later she will likely turn back to her.  If you say anything derogatory about the mother it may come back at you.  This is the same principle as not saying things about a separated spouse or SO.

[kglory]

An old and close friend of mine recently found out that her parents' ( mom & stepdad, birth father out of the picture after bad divorce) marriage was a big ol' sham.  Apparently her mom couldn't take the fact that the most recent mistress was given a (supposedly) false indication that marriage might be forthcoming and moved out.  My friend had no idea - when her mom moved, she asked if this was due to marital difficulties or if a divorce was forthcoming and her mom completely denied it (there were other plausible reasons for the move).  It turns out that her mother lied and one day just unloaded a great deal of information about the situation onto my friend about what had been happening for the past decade.  I have been trying to comfort her while she deals with it.  There is a lot more information about the way the relationship broke down, but I don't want to put too much out there.  I'll just say that she was kept in the dark about a lot of things.  She emailed me at work today really really upset saying that she had asked her mom how things stood between herself and her stepdad and her mom basically said that "it doesn't affect you" and that she doesn't have the right to be upset at her about it.  I totally understand why she would be upset with her mother (all that stuff I don't want to put out here), but at the same time - I kind of agree with her mother in that, the state of her marriage is not something my friend necessarily has a right to know.  I am having trouble responding to her communications about this subject when she has similar conversations with her mother. 

1) Is friend out of line to expect updates on the "marriage"?
2) What do I say to help & not hurt?

Are you talking about polygamy?

Not that I can see.  Friend's mom and stepdad were married.  Mom realized that stepdad was hinting marriage to his mistress.  Mom realized that she couldn't live in that situation and moved out.  All fine.  But then the problem is, they lied to their kid for 10 years about it, pretending their marriage was great.

OP, all I can say is, this is the story of my life.  Dead on.  Except for a few details changed -- I was in high school when it all hit the fan and it came out that my entire life was based on a foundation of lies.  My parents had been separated by mutual consent for many years, but lied to us kids about it and pretended to still be married so as not to "hurt the children".  When it was hard to maintain that pretense, they lied more and more extravagantly to cover up the lies.

The one thing I can say is, expect this to take your friend a long time to process. She will be sitting there at driving to work and suddenly some random family memory from 3 years ago will pop into her mind, and she'll realize, "Hey!  That was why Mom said X at Thanksgiving....."  It takes a long time for all these realizations to occur, when the foundation of lies is just so deep. 

As for what to say, the usual about being a supportive friend.  Agree if she complains that she feels lied to and betrayed.  Don't be surprised if the lying is a much bigger issue to your friend than the affair itself.  I don't remember turning to friends, but if I had, it would not be from expecting them to solve the problem.  Just to listen and offer support.

[NyaChan]

LOL no I am not talking about polygamy    that would have been a whole other bag of chips (and I suppose a more interesting question...).  No it is just a serial, long term cheater with a haunting similarity in attitude towards women as well as actions towards her mother as the birth father that my friend has cut out of her life.  So it is bringing back really bad memories of her childhood.  Kglory you are absolutely right, she does keep remembering things where she now gets that her mother was upset about another affair, and that he canceled visits to see my friend due to problems with another woman who threw a tantrum.  Add in the fact that apparently her mother's current boss who has firing power over her stepfather has known for years and she was quite upset at being kept in the dark.  She only found out now because he gave her mother an ultimatum and demanded that my friend decide whether he was welcome in her life or not.  Hence her wanting to know what the status of her mother's relationship with him was. 

Once your friend's mother unloaded on her she should keep her updated.

There isn't much that you can say.  Just be her friend and listen.   

It sounds like your friend's mother is a difficult person.  No matter what she may say against her mother, don't agree with her - stay neutral in your comments. 

No matter how angry your friend may get at her mother, sooner or later she will likely turn back to her.  If you say anything derogatory about the mother it may come back at you.  This is the same principle as not saying things about a separated spouse or SO.

Good call!  I think you are right.  I guess I'll just keep being a listening ear, respond only to her emotional state, and not say anything concrete.

[Sharnita]

Her mom is playing it both ways - one moment it is "MYOB" and another it is "let me tell you what he did to me - for the past ten years". I think if her mom tries to unload again she needs to say, "remeber when you told me it was none of my business?"

[amylouky]

Her mom is playing it both ways - one moment it is "MYOB" and another it is "let me tell you what he did to me - for the past ten years". I think if her mom tries to unload again she needs to say, "remeber when you told me it was none of my business?"

POD. Mom should have kept it to herself if she didn't want to involve daughter.

[O'Dell]

I think you're on the right track with just being a sympathetic ear, NyaChan. I agree with others that she does have some right to have updates on what is going on with her parents. Of course big events for her parents are going to effect her at least on an emotional level.

[Cami]

Her mom is playing it both ways - one moment it is "MYOB" and another it is "let me tell you what he did to me - for the past ten years". I think if her mom tries to unload again she needs to say, "remeber when you told me it was none of my business?"

POD. Mom should have kept it to herself if she didn't want to involve daughter.

Not only do I agree 100% with that, the mother (and stepfather) need to understand that there is now broken trust. They lied -- deliberately and for years -- and now your friend will have troubles believing anything they say. And for good reason.

I had a friend in a similar situation. She found out when she went off to college that her parents had been actually divorced for years, but living together and pretending to be married. Complete with anniversary parties and the like. When she went off to college on Thursday, her parents called her on Friday with their new addresses -- they'd sold the house (somehow without her knowing, don't remember how) and gotten new apartments and were moving that day. THAT was how she found out the truth. It was devastating and IMO, really screwed her up when it came to male-female relationships. It took her a long time, many BAD relationships with men (and really, she was no prize when it came to relationships because of her issues), and lots of therapy before she got past it. Lots of damage due to being part of living a lie.

[thedudeabides]

I totally understand why she would be upset with her mother (all that stuff I don't want to put out here), but at the same time - I kind of agree with her mother in that, the state of her marriage is not something my friend necessarily has a right to know.

Mom's trying to have it both ways: unloading the crap on your friend but refusing to answer any legitimate questions.  I think the very least you can do is be sympathetic.  Don't tell her to mind her own business, unless you want to completely torpedo your friendship.  Her mom made it your friend's business, so she's lost any right to go back and say, "Nope, you don't need to know whether or not we're going to get a divorce.  Enjoy living in a constant state of uncertainty!"

[NyaChan]

I totally understand why she would be upset with her mother (all that stuff I don't want to put out here), but at the same time - I kind of agree with her mother in that, the state of her marriage is not something my friend necessarily has a right to know.

Mom's trying to have it both ways: unloading the crap on your friend but refusing to answer any legitimate questions.  I think the very least you can do is be sympathetic.  Don't tell her to mind her own business, unless you want to completely torpedo your friendship.  Her mom made it your friend's business, so she's lost any right to go back and say, "Nope, you don't need to know whether or not we're going to get a divorce.  Enjoy living in a constant state of uncertainty!"

I didn't have any real intention of saying mind your own business, that was just for the title.  I mean that as she was sharing the situation with me, I was thinking that some of the things she was bringing up is could be quite private even if the general situation absolutely does affect her but wasn't sure if I there was a way I could verbalize anything to that effect as I didn't want her think I didn't support her or understand why she is upset.  Overall, I just want to make sure she is ok and has someone to vent to when she needs it.  This is a really good friend of mine and I care about her a lot - we are usually quite candid with each other but this is just an incredibly sensitive situation with a lot of emotional pitfalls.

As it happens, I spoke with her again this morning.  Her mother basically got very angry with her over the situation, at one point getting hurtful enough that my friend ended the call.  When her mom called back within minutes, ending the last call had just added fuel to the fire.  Apparently her mother went from indicating that things were absolutely done, over with, they aren't speaking, he can do whatever he wants to "oh Stepfather was doing this the other day.  He said this about work," as if he is once again in the picture for her.  When friend inquired into what was going on (she was understandably confused by this suddenly normal attitude) her mother got upset saying that she didn't get why my friend couldn't just deal with this already as it doesn't have anything to do with my friend - friend acting this way is making things harder for her!  So friend is once again horribly thrown off guard, but she's dealing with it.  Her mom is boycotting her sister's big anniversary event with all the family due to an imagine slight, but has said "you go if you want to" which she doesn't actually mean, but my friend has decided to take her at her word. 

[Iris]

I totally understand why she would be upset with her mother (all that stuff I don't want to put out here), but at the same time - I kind of agree with her mother in that, the state of her marriage is not something my friend necessarily has a right to know.

Mom's trying to have it both ways: unloading the crap on your friend but refusing to answer any legitimate questions.  I think the very least you can do is be sympathetic.  Don't tell her to mind her own business, unless you want to completely torpedo your friendship.  Her mom made it your friend's business, so she's lost any right to go back and say, "Nope, you don't need to know whether or not we're going to get a divorce.  Enjoy living in a constant state of uncertainty!"

I didn't have any real intention of saying mind your own business, that was just for the title.  I mean that as she was sharing the situation with me, I was thinking that some of the things she was bringing up is could be quite private even if the general situation absolutely does affect her but wasn't sure if I there was a way I could verbalize anything to that effect as I didn't want her think I didn't support her or understand why she is upset.  Overall, I just want to make sure she is ok and has someone to vent to when she needs it.  This is a really good friend of mine and I care about her a lot - we are usually quite candid with each other but this is just an incredibly sensitive situation with a lot of emotional pitfalls.

As it happens, I spoke with her again this morning.  Her mother basically got very angry with her over the situation, at one point getting hurtful enough that my friend ended the call.  When her mom called back within minutes, ending the last call had just added fuel to the fire.  Apparently her mother went from indicating that things were absolutely done, over with, they aren't speaking, he can do whatever he wants to "oh Stepfather was doing this the other day.  He said this about work," as if he is once again in the picture for her.  When friend inquired into what was going on (she was understandably confused by this suddenly normal attitude) her mother got upset saying that she didn't get why my friend couldn't just deal with this already as it doesn't have anything to do with my friend - friend acting this way is making things harder for her!  So friend is once again horribly thrown off guard, but she's dealing with it.  Her mom is boycotting her sister's big anniversary event with all the family due to an imagine slight, but has said "you go if you want to" which she doesn't actually mean, but my friend has decided to take her at her word.

Ouch. Friend's mother is sounding like a real piece of work, frankly. In fact, so is step-dad if I've got this all straight.

My understanding is this; Mother and Step-dad have been living separately for years but lying to Friend about it. I assume Friend has some kind of relationship with Step-dad beyond a "mother's husband" since you were talking about visits to Friend. Then suddenly (who knows why) Step-dad has announced that Friend, who didn't even know about the situation, has to make a decision about whether she wants him in her life or not. Mother, having her hand forced by Step-dad, tells Friend about the situation and has a good vent but is simultaneously angry that Friend isn't continuing to play Mother's "Everything's FINE, lalalalalalala I'm not listening" game. Now, on top of this, Mother is creating more PA drama with Sister. Quite separate from all of this must be hurt feelings because Step-dad has issued this unnecessary ultimatum about being part of her life (or not), the subtext presumably being that he is cool with either choice.

If I have that straight all I can say is; Dude. That's seriously messed up. Your poor friend. This is her business because they MADE it her business. Is Sister aware of all of this? What's her take (if they are close)?

My advice to you is to support your friend as much as you can because I think this will take quite a while to recover from, and encourage her to back off from her mother AND Step-dad as far as possible for a while.

[Mikayla]

Her mom is playing it both ways - one moment it is "MYOB" and another it is "let me tell you what he did to me - for the past ten years". I think if her mom tries to unload again she needs to say, "remeber when you told me it was none of my business?"

Yep.  It's also manipulative, self absorbed and cruel. 

I think friend has every right to call her mom out on this.  What mom needs to remember is that friend has had no choice in any of this, and mom's actions have not only impacted friend's childhood, they will impact other facets of her adult life. 

Friend gets to choose what option is better.  Either tell mom to find another shoulder to cry on, or else mom treats her like an adult and answers questions honestly.

[JeanFromBNA]

Her mom is playing it both ways - one moment it is "MYOB" and another it is "let me tell you what he did to me - for the past ten years". I think if her mom tries to unload again she needs to say, "remeber when you told me it was none of my business?"

Yes, this.  Friend should suggest that Mom see a counselor to sort through this, and draw some good boundaries.  However, for Friend's own good, she should refrain from digging for details.  Relevant facts are okay (We are getting a divorce.  He is moving back in).  Details are not (He said he was working late when he was really with Other Woman). 

You might want to suggest that Friend also see a counselor.  It can take a long, long time to work through this.  I think that the best thing that you can do to be supportive is encourage her not to obsess over something which she has no control, and remind her that she still has her own life to lead with her own set of principles.