Oh, I ... didn't invite ... him

[shygirl]

This has happened to me a few times.  I invite a friend to do something with me, and she assumes her husband was also invited.  The first time, I asked my friend if I could take her out to dinner for her bday if she didn't already have plans.  She said "Oh, I think Husband has plans on that night".  I think I might have posted about that incident on here when it happened.

More recently, I asked another friend if she would like to come over for dinner.  We have playdates often since we have kids the same age, and all previous activities have just been us and the kids, no husbands.  Well, sometimes when we hang out at my place, my husband is around but that's because, well, he lives there.  But it's not like I included him in our plans, and he generally keeps out of our way.  So anyway, my friend texted a little while before dinner to say her husband was stuck somewhere and wouldn't be able to make it.  I was surprised and glad because my husband had already planned to be out of the house, so it would have been super awkward if her husband did show up.  In retrospect, when I was issuing the invitation I should have been more clear and said "do you and your daughter want to have dinner with me and my son?".

I'm just wondering if I'm weird or something, because I don't always assume my husband is invited to things.  In fact, we like to do our own thing quite a lot, and often go out to see friends without the other.  In the case of my first friend, I only see her when I go back to my home state to visit, so maybe twice a year.  Since the time she started dating her now husband, I don't think I've ever hung out with her without him present.  It's a little disappointing, but I'm thinking she's a lost cause now.  Recently, she organized a "Girl's Weekend", and I heard that her husband was around for most of it.  When I was back home last month, I called her up to see if she wanted to come over for lunch.  She hemmed and hawed a bit, and consulted with her husband, who I guess didn't want to come.  So she said "Oh, husband wants to take it easy today after yesterday's eating fest."  Um, okaaay?  What about her?  I feel like asking if she ever does anything without her husband, but just said "oh, okay, well if you change your mind, we'll be here".  She called back a little later, and said "oh husband said if we have some time after our other previous engagement, we can come over", and they ended up coming over for a little while and her husband just played on his phone the whole time.  I just … don't understand why she can't go anywhere without him.

Anyway, to sum up:  First friend = lost cause.
Other friends, be more clear about who I am inviting.

Any other tips/ related stories?

[ShadesOfGrey]

Well, I think a dinner invitation to your home, where presumably your husband and child are going to be there(and that's key), it would be odd to specifically not include her husband.  I dont really think this is a case of "cant do anything with out him", in her shoes, I'd assume it's a family inviting over a family for dinner.

But I think this can be resolved with better wording - as in  "Hey, why dont you and I get the kids together for dinner. [myHusband] is doing his own thing out of the house next Wednesday, so I'd love for you & daughter to come over around 6, if you're free."

[still in va]

yes, i think you need to be specific, because it's dinner.  unless something is billed as "Girls Night", i think most people assume that dinner invitations include both members of a couple, simply because most (not all, but most) couples have dinner together. 

it would have been strange for me to discover that you had invited me and my child, but not my husband, for an evening meal.  not that there's anything wrong with it, but you need to be clear when issuing the invitation.

[shygirl]

Yes, I do realize I should have been more clear with my second friend.  Maybe I'm just the weird one where if someone invites me to do something, I don't assume my husband is invited because we do a lot of things on our own.

[amylouky]

I agree.. you need to be more specific.
I generally do assume DH and the kids are included in an invitation, depending on what it is. If my sister calls and says "Do you want to come over for dinner?" then yes, they're included. If my best friend calls and says, "Hey, wanna do lunch on Saturday and then go shopping?" then it's just for me.

[shivering]

Unfortunately, some people coexist as couples and rarely do things without the other.

However, when a couple is married, i  think the default assumption when it comes to social invitations is that both are invited unless it's explicitly clear that it's a girls' only or guys' only event. And for some people it may need to be stated clearly whereas others may be on the same page and just know.

[Shoo]

I understand that you are trying to spend time with just your friend, but I have to say that I think it's strange that you invite your friend and her child and NOT her husband to dinner at your home.  To me, it wouldn't look like you want to spend time with ME, it would look like you specifically did not want to spend time with my husband.  I would find that ... odd.  I would also not be inclined to accept an invitation like that because it would be hurtful to my husband.  Once in a while, just you and me?  Sure.  But bring my child and leave my husband on his own?  No, I wouldn't feel good doing that.

So, yes, I think your wording definitely needs work, but more than that, maybe plan to spend time with your friend in ways that don't make it seem like you are deliberately excluding her partner.

[shygirl]

I understand that you are trying to spend time with just your friend, but I have to say that I think it's strange that you invite your friend and her child and NOT her husband to dinner at your home.  To me, it wouldn't look like you want to spend time with ME, it would look like you specifically did not want to spend time with my husband.  I would find that ... odd.  I would also not be inclined to accept an invitation like that because it would be hurtful to my husband.  Once in a while, just you and me?  Sure.  But bring my child and leave my husband on his own?  No, I wouldn't feel good doing that.

So, yes, I think your wording definitely needs work, but more than that, maybe plan to spend time with your friend in ways that don't make it seem like you are deliberately excluding her partner.

I think maybe I confused people by posting about 2 different friends.

First friend, I only see her a few times a year, and lately, everything we do includes her husband, even apparently "Girls Only" events.

Second friend, we spend a lot of time together, and never have our husbands been included.  When she issues invitations, she also doesn't include her husband.  So that was why I was surprised when she assumed that her husband was invited to dinner.  Second friend was actually my husband's friend first.  I think I've only seen her husband twice, since most of the time when I go to their place he hides in the bedroom or is out.  I wasn't deliberately excluding her husband, but it's just we've never done things as couples

[still in va]

I understand that you are trying to spend time with just your friend, but I have to say that I think it's strange that you invite your friend and her child and NOT her husband to dinner at your home.  To me, it wouldn't look like you want to spend time with ME, it would look like you specifically did not want to spend time with my husband.  I would find that ... odd.  I would also not be inclined to accept an invitation like that because it would be hurtful to my husband.  Once in a while, just you and me?  Sure.  But bring my child and leave my husband on his own?  No, I wouldn't feel good doing that.

So, yes, I think your wording definitely needs work, but more than that, maybe plan to spend time with your friend in ways that don't make it seem like you are deliberately excluding her partner.

I think maybe I confused people by posting about 2 different friends.

First friend, I only see her a few times a year, and lately, everything we do includes her husband, even apparently "Girls Only" events.

Second friend, we spend a lot of time together, and never have our husbands been included.  When she issues invitations, she also doesn't include her husband.  So that was why I was surprised when she assumed that her husband was invited to dinner.  Second friend was actually my husband's friend first.  I think I've only seen her husband twice, since most of the time when I go to their place he hides in the bedroom or is out.  I wasn't deliberately excluding her husband, but it's just we've never done things as couples

okay, well with the further information, i can see why you were surprised.  that's just....strange.

[Kaypeep]

I've had the opposite problem and it just happened last week, again.  I get an email from a friend saying "Do you want to _____ (go to dinner, come to BBQ, see a movie)" and I assume it's an invite for me only (I'm not married but SO and I have been together about 8 years now.)  I then find out they meant to invite both of us.  I wish they would be more clear in their emails and say "You and SO" instead of just "you".  Last week it was an invite to a birthday dinner for my BFF (who is a guy.)  He said he just wanted a small dinner with a few of his closest friends, no gifts or anything, just dinner.  I thought it was just me since he didn't explicity say SO and also put emphasis on "just a few close friends."  But no, he meant SO as well. 

Sigh...

I only have one friend who automatically assumes her DH is included in everything, but this is also the only couple I know who are 'attached at the hip' and do everything together anyway, so I think it's just their first instinct.  My only suggestion is to always be very explicit in the invite.  Maybe say "Hey, do you want to go to the new pizza place and then see a movie Friday night after work?  I thought it would be a nice night out for us, and I find it more relaxing when it's just us girls."   I hate the term "Girls night" but sometimes it serves a purpose by clearly expressing 'no men."

[O'Dell]

I don't usually assume if my husband is included or not. If the invitation doesn't make it clear or the inviter doesn't explicitly say, then I tend to ask questions about the event or if my husband is included or not. Usually it's clear from the invitation.

[Sweettooth]

With your first friend, perhaps you just need to be more clear: "I'd really love to get together while I'm in town and do something, just two of us--would you be free for coffee or lunch or [insert activity here]?" Then if she says she doesn't want to come without her husband, you can either make it a couples thing or say, "Well, my husband's not available; maybe next time I'm in town" and then write her off as a lost cause.

With the second friend, I agree with the other posters that if a friend invited me for dinner at her house I would assume it was an invitation for my husband and myself unless she specifically said it was a girls' only thing. I wouldn't say we're attached at the hip, but in my circle an evening meal invitation is ALWAYS either a couples or family thing unless it's clearly stated as a girls' or guys' night out.

[still in va]

I've had the opposite problem and it just happened last week, again.  I get an email from a friend saying "Do you want to _____ (go to dinner, come to BBQ, see a movie)" and I assume it's an invite for me only (I'm not married but SO and I have been together about 8 years now.)  I then find out they meant to invite both of us.  I wish they would be more clear in their emails and say "You and SO" instead of just "you".  Last week it was an invite to a birthday dinner for my BFF (who is a guy.)  He said he just wanted a small dinner with a few of his closest friends, no gifts or anything, just dinner.  I thought it was just me since he didn't explicity say SO and also put emphasis on "just a few close friends."  But no, he meant SO as well. 

Sigh...

I only have one friend who automatically assumes her DH is included in everything, but this is also the only couple I know who are 'attached at the hip' and do everything together anyway, so I think it's just their first instinct.  My only suggestion is to always be very explicit in the invite.  Maybe say "Hey, do you want to go to the new pizza place and then see a movie Friday night after work?  I thought it would be a nice night out for us, and I find it more relaxing when it's just us girls."   I hate the term "Girls night" but sometimes it serves a purpose by clearly expressing 'no men."

i had a friend many years ago who didn't like the term either, so she'd host "Estrogen Extravaganzas". it very effectively got the point across that the gathering was female only! 

[siamesecat2965]

I don't usually assume if my husband is included or not. If the invitation doesn't make it clear or the inviter doesn't explicitly say, then I tend to ask questions about the event or if my husband is included or not. Usually it's clear from the invitation.

I'm not married, but my friends that are also don't assume their husbands are included either. I will either say, hey can you and hubster come for dinner, but they generally know if I just ask them, its only them.  And they're fine with that, but none of them are joined at the hip, and actually enjoy doing things without their DH once in a while.

[Cami]

Dh and I are not joined at the hip, but I have met a few couples who absolutely positively do not do anything social in the evening without each other.  So I've learned in the past to be very explicit about invitations.

In re the OP's situations:

#1 -- Generally, I think it's presumptuous for her to assume her dh was included in an invitation to go out... However, in this case, I think I would have assumed my dh was included because it's not a random dinner out, it's a birthday dinner on her actual birthdate.  I think inviting her without her dh is a little weird and could be seen as insulting to him -- almost like you assume he doesn't care enough to take her out to dinner/do something for her himself. Personally, even if I didn't have "big" plans on my birthday, it seems rather odd to go out on that night and leave him home. I know my dh would be hurt if he were excluded from my actual birthday dinner.  Similarly, I think I'd be hurt if my dh went out with a friend of his on his birthday and excluded me from it. So if someone asked me out for dinner on my birthdate, I would want to include my dh (wouldn't expect my friend to pay for us, of course) and I'd bring it up to make sure that's what she meant. To be honest, I'd find it really odd that she expected me to leave him home on that occasion.

#2. For a dinner invitation at your home, I'd probably assume dh was invited unless you explicitly told me it was a girls' night. In thinking about it, I honestly don't think I've ever been invited to someone's home for dinner without my dh, even when the hostess doesn't have a SO herself. The only exception to that is an old friend of mine who knew I loathed her dh and when she invited me over, he was "banished" for the night and the assumption on both of our parts was that it was a girls' night.