Author Topic: Is there any way to fix this? Sigh.  (Read 3424 times)

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Kaymar

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Is there any way to fix this? Sigh.
« on: October 12, 2012, 05:10:55 PM »
Hello all,

I'm a lurker who recently joined, so if this is in the wrong place, please forgive me - I'm still learning.  Thanks in advance for any words of wisdom!

It's been a long week and I've been counting down to a sporting event I'm going to tonight with my boyfriend.  He texted me a bit ago to say "hey, [Annoying Friend, we'll call him A] might be joining us tonight."  My response was, "oh?  did he invite himself?"  (Note, this isn't something I'd normally say, but this friend invites himself to a lot of things.)  Boyfriend confirms that yes, A did invite himself, and then relays their conversation.

Boyfriend and A were talking about sports, and BF mentioned that we were going to the game tonight (mistake - as BF knows, A considers any mention of an event to be akin to an invitation).  A responds, "really?  I might come up for that.  I miss [sport]."  BF then digs (in my mind) deeper and happily tells A about the 10-game pack of tickets that we'd gotten and what a great deal it was and goes in detail about the great benefit of the 10-game pack.  A says, "wow, that is a fantastic deal, I might get one of those myself."

So, I've now gone from looking forward to my partial-season of sports games with my BF to imagining spending many evenings making small-talk with A - who isn't a bad guy, but I don't want to spend this much of my free time and entertainment budget hanging with him.

I let BF know that I wasn't happy with this turn of events, and reminded him that he needs to be careful when mentioning things to A due to the presumed-invitation phenomenon.  He offered to disinvite him from tonight, which of course I said would be rude and he should not do that.

Hope that is not too much detail.  My questions are:

1. Is there any way to fix things re A buying the 10 games' worth of tickets?  I think not, but in case I'm just lacking imagination, I will throw the question out there.

2. What would be the best way for me to forestall this kind of thing happening in the future?  I asked BF why he mentioned the game to A without asking me first - he said that he assumed, at this late hour, A already had Friday plans so it was safe.  But in general, I wouldn't invite (and he would never explicitly invite) a third party on what was going to be a night for the two of us without asking first.  I'm happy to have friends come to sporting events with us - it happens often - but this just seems over the top.


NyaChan

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Re: Is there any way to fix this? Sigh.
« Reply #1 on: October 12, 2012, 05:13:03 PM »
Is there open seating at this sports event? 

Kaymar

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Re: Is there any way to fix this? Sigh.
« Reply #2 on: October 12, 2012, 05:15:09 PM »
We already have our seats for tonight - not sure if A knows that or not.  I imagine he's thinking (not incorrectly) that there's likely to be an empty seat somewhere near us, or that people won't mind moving down.   For the rest of the 10 games, we'll get our seats as we go. 

NyaChan

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Re: Is there any way to fix this? Sigh.
« Reply #3 on: October 12, 2012, 05:17:31 PM »
I would probably not bring up the games in the future.  If he calls you up asking if you are going and wanting to meet up, I would say "Actually A, these games are our date night so SO and I will be going alone as a couple."  Of course he can still go, but it gives you an excuse to not sit near him. 

Kaymar

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Re: Is there any way to fix this? Sigh.
« Reply #4 on: October 12, 2012, 05:19:59 PM »
Agreed - I would not have brought up the games at all!  :)  But that is a good strategy for me to pass along to my BF, if A asks him about future games.  I'm happy to have him (and other people) join us every once in a while - my fear is that him buying a 10 game ticket book bespeaks an assumption that he'll be able to hang out with us at all of those games.

O'Dell

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Re: Is there any way to fix this? Sigh.
« Reply #5 on: October 12, 2012, 05:42:36 PM »
He offered to disinvite him from tonight, which of course I said would be rude and he should not do that.

It's not rude to point out to someone that they were never invited. If you bf did at some point invite him, then he should let him know that this is a "date" for the 2 of you, so friend is on his own and you won't be socializing with him. And I say do it now for this game so that you start setting a precedent for future games...and future events of all sorts that he invites himself to.

I don't think the answer to his habit of inviting himself is to avoid all mention of any activities that are going on. It would be better in the long run to be firm with him when he does it and say things like the above if it's public and for private functions "I'm afraid that won't be possible. It's private and I'm not in a position to invite others along." Something like that. If he's clueless, then start cluing him in! And if he does know what he's doing is rude, then start letting him know that you won't be putting up with it. And it might help if you are inviting him to be explicit about it so the difference between you mentioning an event and inviting him is highlighted and clear.

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Bijou

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Re: Is there any way to fix this? Sigh.
« Reply #6 on: October 12, 2012, 05:43:02 PM »
I must be missing something.  From your posted conversation, I don't see where A invited himself to go with you.  He just said he might come up for that.  Not, "What time are you going?  where shall we meet up?" 
I also didn't see where your BF invited A along.  He just told him about what a good deal you got on a packet of tickets.  So it seems like there is nothing to dis-invite anyone from. 
That aside, though, I would consider this a date night and would let bf know that just in case he is tempted to ask A or anyone else along without consulting you that the person would be a in the unpleasant position of the third wheel.
As for how to get the guy to not get the packet of tickets, that's entirely up to him, isn't it?  Or do you have some kind of association with the ticket sellers, like belong to an organization and he would have to go through you to get them.  Even at that, it seems like not the thing to do.  I think the best thing to do would be to declare this a standing two of you date night so no one is invited along.
« Last Edit: October 12, 2012, 05:49:06 PM by Bijou »
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Kaymar

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Re: Is there any way to fix this? Sigh.
« Reply #7 on: October 13, 2012, 11:51:57 AM »
I must be missing something.  From your posted conversation, I don't see where A invited himself to go with you.  He just said he might come up for that.  Not, "What time are you going?  where shall we meet up?" 
I also didn't see where your BF invited A along.  He just told him about what a good deal you got on a packet of tickets.  So it seems like there is nothing to dis-invite anyone from. 

I hear you, and if this were a "plan" with me and my friends, this conversation wouldn't have finalized anything.  However, with BF and A, that's generally all it takes - what then happens (and did happen last night), is that A shows up and texts us when he gets there and finds out where we are sitting.  It's a weird way to socialize, but it generally doesn't affect me so I've stopped commenting about it.

In any case, A did sit with us and did buy the 10 pack of tickets.  The game was fun, but A, as is his wont, chatted with BF most of the time so it wasn't much of a date.  When we left, I had a chat with BF about the situation and how to prevent it in the future - and I used some of the suggestions here, so thank you!  I'm not the one who talks to A directly, so I gave BF some ideas - i.e. checking with me when A mentions coming up for a game, and saying to A "actually, that's a date night for me and Kaymar, so you should see if someone else wants to come with you" or something along those lines.

I appreciate the help!

SoCalVal

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Re: Is there any way to fix this? Sigh.
« Reply #8 on: October 13, 2012, 01:20:56 PM »
saying to A "actually, that's a date night for me and Kaymar, so you should see if someone else wants to come with you" or something along those lines.

I find it's never a problem going with this (or, at least, I don't make it my or DF's problem).  A is free to attend whatever games he wants but if you don't want to miss out on the date part of the event, BF can just tell him the truth and it's not rude, "It's a date night for us so we won't be hanging out/sitting with you."



TootsNYC

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Re: Is there any way to fix this? Sigh.
« Reply #9 on: October 13, 2012, 02:55:59 PM »
. . . and saying to A "actually, that's a date night for me and Kaymar, so you should see if someone else wants to come with you you aren't invited along" or something along those lines.

You don't want to him bringing someone else and having BOTH of them interfere with your time.

RooRoo

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Re: Is there any way to fix this? Sigh.
« Reply #10 on: October 14, 2012, 09:29:34 AM »
Quote
what then happens (and did happen last night), is that A shows up and texts us when he gets there and finds out where we are sitting.

simple. don't answer text. leave phone in car.

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