Author Topic: Death and people putting their feet in their mouths....  (Read 13468 times)

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Midnight Kitty

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Re: Death and people putting their feet in their mouths....
« Reply #15 on: June 18, 2012, 06:16:07 PM »
I thought you were overreacting to the first comment, but with the second, I definitely don't. I'll give her the benefit of doubt that she means well, but this really comes across as "this is all about ME!".
I think I missed something; Where was the second comment?  I only saw "My grandpa is dying of cancer, so I know the pain." in Bottlecaps's initial post.

Bottlecaps had another comment #8 of the girl taking BC's letter to put with Pawpaw and made it all about her giving her letter to her grandfather. 
D'oh! <forehead slap> I totally missed that part.  Thanks for cluing me in.

I think she's trying to empathize with BC.  She may be awkward and a bit socially inept, but I think her heart is in the right place.  When someone is grieving, it's hard to see past one's own pain.  In fact, it (our grief) becomes the filter through which one views everything.
"The first rule is to keep an untroubled spirit.  The second is to look things in the face and know them for what they are."

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kareng57

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Re: Death and people putting their feet in their mouths....
« Reply #16 on: June 18, 2012, 11:16:19 PM »
I thought you were overreacting to the first comment, but with the second, I definitely don't. I'll give her the benefit of doubt that she means well, but this really comes across as "this is all about ME!".
I think I missed something; Where was the second comment?  I only saw "My grandpa is dying of cancer, so I know the pain." in Bottlecaps's initial post.

Bottlecaps had another comment #8 of the girl taking BC's letter to put with Pawpaw and made it all about her giving her letter to her grandfather. 
D'oh! <forehead slap> I totally missed that part.  Thanks for cluing me in.

I think she's trying to empathize with BC.  She may be awkward and a bit socially inept, but I think her heart is in the right place.  When someone is grieving, it's hard to see past one's own pain.  In fact, it (our grief) becomes the filter through which one views everything.

I too see this more as empathising rather than a hijack attempt.  People who know that they will be facing a close-relative's death in a few months often feel that they are in a sort of community with others who are recently bereaved - plus, I gather that the OP and her friend are still quite young and don't have a lot of experience with this.

Re my own experience - I lost my husband a few months ago, and while it wasn't sudden (he'd been ill for the better part of a year), we did get the "terminal" diagnosis about two weeks prior.  I have an acquaintance who learned that her husband was terminally ill a few months ago although he does have some time left. She sometimes asks me questions about how I dealt with this-or-that and I'm fine to answer; I don't think that she's trying to horn-in on my grief at all.

Bottlecaps

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Re: Death and people putting their feet in their mouths....
« Reply #17 on: June 18, 2012, 11:36:32 PM »
I thought you were overreacting to the first comment, but with the second, I definitely don't. I'll give her the benefit of doubt that she means well, but this really comes across as "this is all about ME!".
I think I missed something; Where was the second comment?  I only saw "My grandpa is dying of cancer, so I know the pain." in Bottlecaps's initial post.

Bottlecaps had another comment #8 of the girl taking BC's letter to put with Pawpaw and made it all about her giving her letter to her grandfather. 
D'oh! <forehead slap> I totally missed that part.  Thanks for cluing me in.

I think she's trying to empathize with BC.  She may be awkward and a bit socially inept, but I think her heart is in the right place.  When someone is grieving, it's hard to see past one's own pain.  In fact, it (our grief) becomes the filter through which one views everything.

And I think that might be why it hit such a nerve with me, because everything (not just this, but absolutely everything) is currently being viewed through the dull, gray-scale filter of grief.

And kareng57, I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband. :(
"Some of the most wonderful people are the ones who don't fit into boxes." -Tori Amos


Shalamar

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Re: Death and people putting their feet in their mouths....
« Reply #18 on: December 09, 2012, 04:29:12 PM »
Quote
She didn't say something like "I know how you feel, my hamster died six months ago". 

I had a coworker who did this!   When my coworker friend Dan lost his father, Donkey Coworker said "I know how you feel, my dog died".   :o

BeagleMommy

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Re: Death and people putting their feet in their mouths....
« Reply #19 on: December 10, 2012, 11:40:43 AM »
Bottlecaps, I have no advice, but I'm sorry for your loss.

onyonryngs

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Re: Death and people putting their feet in their mouths....
« Reply #20 on: December 10, 2012, 12:02:50 PM »
You both are grieving - she did try to offer comfort so just try to remember that.   

Penguin_ar

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Re: Death and people putting their feet in their mouths....
« Reply #21 on: December 16, 2012, 08:03:12 AM »
It sounds like someone (a moderator of the other site, maybe after a PM by you?) should suggest to this lady that she starts her own support thread.  I don't think she means to, but it looks like she is hijacking your thread.

magician5

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Re: Death and people putting their feet in their mouths....
« Reply #22 on: December 22, 2012, 01:19:42 PM »
A brief, intelligent, sympathetic discussion of this issue by "Ask a Mortician" on Youtube - - it really does help.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=66qk19eUEdw
There is no 'way to peace.' Peace is the way.

Bottlecaps

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Re: Death and people putting their feet in their mouths....
« Reply #23 on: February 05, 2013, 01:48:18 AM »
It sounds like someone (a moderator of the other site, maybe after a PM by you?) should suggest to this lady that she starts her own support thread.  I don't think she means to, but it looks like she is hijacking your thread.

I actually am a moderator on the site. I decided to let it go after reading opinions on here, as it really put it in perspective for me that I probably took it a bit too personally (even if she really was hijacking) because of my own grief. Even though it happened months upon months ago, I'm working on a sticky for the site titled "The Etiquette of Support." Yes, I'm using tips I've learned here. :) The site is based on support and help for various issues, so of course the members go there when something happens because it's a place where they can talk about it. More often than not though, people do put their feet in their mouths and/or hijack threads (sometimes unintentionally, sometimes intentionally). I think a thread like that, using things I've learned from this site, will definitely help there. :)

A brief, intelligent, sympathetic discussion of this issue by "Ask a Mortician" on Youtube - - it really does help.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=66qk19eUEdw

That video is very good. Thank you for posting it! Maybe that's something I should include in the sticky I'm creating for the other site that I'm a member of. :)
"Some of the most wonderful people are the ones who don't fit into boxes." -Tori Amos