Father's Day: which dad wins?

[SuperMartianRobotGirl]

This is so frustrating. I think I've worked out a solution because people are being pretty accommodating, but I'm annoyed that I was put in the middle and had to negotiate this.

My dad is in town (they don't live nearby) and wants to spend father's day with me and my kids. My husband has been out of town working for a couple of weeks and wants to spend father's day with me and the kids. My dad and husband don't get along, and my husband doesn't like having his family taken over for father's day. He says eating dinner with them will make the holiday have nothing to do with him, and he'll be left out, and this will make him feel bad as he was away and has missed us and was looking forward to spending father's day with us.

So my plan is that I told my dad to plan a mid-day dinner (we often did this on Sundays and holidays growing up), and we will not stay with my parents for the evening meal. Both seem happy with this. But if push came to shove, who should win, your dad or your kids' dad?

[Shoo]

That's an impossible situation.  I think trying to accommodate both is about the only thing you can do.

If, by "push come to shove" you mean your husband declares Father's Day is for him and him alone, then I think your husband would have to be the loser here.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with dividing the day up so you can honor both of the fathers in your life.  For either of them to have a problem with you doing so would mean that they are great big babies who need to get over themselves.

[immadz]

If push came to shove, I would let the kids spend time with their dad and you spend time with yours! It is, after all, fathers day and your DH is not your father.

[Sharnita]

I tend to agree with Shoo.

[snowdragon]

That's an impossible situation.  I think trying to accommodate both is about the only thing you can do.

If, by "push come to shove" you mean your husband declares Father's Day is for him and him alone, then I think your husband would have to be the loser here.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with dividing the day up so you can honor both of the fathers in your life.  For either of them to have a problem with you doing so would mean that they are great big babies who need to get over themselves.

This. Anyone making me choose would be the looser.

[O'Dell]

If practical concerns make splitting the day impossible (distance or availability of a person) then your kids' dad should win. Your husband and kids come first, IMO.

And if it's a matter of one of them wanting all or nothing, then they should be told that splitting is only option. Their option is take it or leave it: spend part of the day with you or none at all.

[jemma]

If push came to shove, I would let the kids spend time with their dad and you spend time with yours! It is, after all, fathers day and your DH is not your father.

Podding this.  It's father's day not grandfather's day.

[Sharnita]

OUt of curiosity, does your husband ever spend time with his mom on Mother's Day? Send her a card or gift?  Recognize her?  Or does he feel that would make it "not your Mother's Day"?

[Outdoor Girl]

Honestly, I'd be pretty ticked with my (hypothetical) husband for his attitude.  I know he's been away but it doesn't sound like you get to spend Father's Day with your Dad very often since they don't live nearby.

I think your proposed compromise is good and if your husband doesn't like it, do as immadz suggests.

[Daffydilly]

Husband first. It's his fathers day and he's the intermediate family member. I'd plan a special time with my dad on another day. Extended family comes second to my intermediate family's needs.

[Piratelvr1121]

I say my DH because he and my kids are my family now.  Well, it's easy for me to say since I don't speak to either of my parents, but even if I was, I'd still put DH first. No he's not my father, but he's the father of my children.  And a better father than mine was.

[Cosmasia]

IMO your dad should win you and your husband should get the kids alone for the day.
He isn't your dad, he's your husband. I don't understand how your husband can make it all about him, he isn't the only male who is (apparently) important to you, I'd be ticked off at that.

Since he isn't your parent I'm sure he can have a lovely father's day with the kids he is the father to, and you can spend the day with your own actual father.

[Sharnita]

I am also wondering if it would be possible to spend Saturday with your father and Sunday with your husband (or vice versa). The specific date is pretty abritrary IMO - doing on the official Father's Day rather than a day before or after or even a week before or after does not show more respect or love.

[SuperMartianRobotGirl]

OUt of curiosity, does your husband ever spend time with his mom on Mother's Day? Send her a card or gift?  Recognize her?  Or does he feel that would make it "not your Mother's Day"?

His parents don't live near us either and I don't remember them ever being here on Mother's Day, so spending time with her hasn't been an issue. He does send her something.

[SuperMartianRobotGirl]

Honestly, I'd be pretty ticked with my (hypothetical) husband for his attitude.  I know he's been away but it doesn't sound like you get to spend Father's Day with your Dad very often since they don't live nearby.

I think your proposed compromise is good and if your husband doesn't like it, do as immadz suggests.

They were both fine with it. I was just wondering how I would handle this if either/both disagreed.