Father's Day: which dad wins?

[sparksals]

I think your husband is being a bit petty.   If your dad lived in town and you saw him frequently, I would most likely be on his side.  Since your dad doesn't live in town and he happens to be there for FD, I think you should spend some time with him.  I think your husband is raising a stink soley because he and your dad don't get along.  Forcing you to choose is really selfish and manipulative.  Just because he doesn't get along with your dad doesn't mean you have to snub your dad on FD especially when you don't always get to see him on this day. 

I think you found a workable solution, but I would not be pleased with my husband if he put me in this position because if he did, I would choose my dad because of him being so selfish.

[Sharnita]

OUt of curiosity, does your husband ever spend time with his mom on Mother's Day? Send her a card or gift?  Recognize her?  Or does he feel that would make it "not your Mother's Day"?

His parents don't live near us either and I don't remember them ever being here on Mother's Day, so spending time with her hasn't been an issue. He does send her something.

Then I think the idea that you it is only "his" holiday and not your father's as well is pretty weak.  If he really believed that he would only recognize you and not his mom. (Not that you want that but it would show consistancy on his part)

[Zilla]

If push came to shove, I would let the kids spend time with their dad and you spend time with yours! It is, after all, fathers day and your DH is not your father.

I like this solution. I would have breakfast or lunch with your own dad and let the kids be with their dad.  Maybe he can take them to lunch and ice cream etc.


Then you will come back and enjoy the rest of the day.  That way your dh spends it with HIS family and you briefly spend it with your Dad.

[Saki_Fiz]

I guess it depends on why your father and husband don't get along.

But in general, if push came to shove, I would celebrate with husband.   Two reasons for my answer...1) husband is currently an active duty father, versus your dad is pretty much decommissioned in that aspect.  And 2) if the situation were reversed, I would be very unhappy if my husband put his mother before me (especially if she and I did not get along).

[lilihob]

Today, I spent the afternoon with my daddy, and the evening with my children's daddy/my husband.
They were both fine with that.
If they weren't, the complainer would have spent father's day without me.
Yes, I'm a grown woman, but I have an excellent daddy, whom I adore, he hasn't resigned his "daddy" commission, he's adamantly still my father.
My husband is a wonderful man, a fabulous father, but he is not my daddy.
They don't have a lot in common, but they love the same three people.
So, they share.

[Judah]

Today, I spent the afternoon with my daddy, and the evening with my children's daddy/my husband.
They were both fine with that.
If they weren't, the complainer would have spent father's day without me.
Yes, I'm a grown woman, but I have an excellent daddy, whom I adore, he hasn't resigned his "daddy" commission, he's adamantly still my father.
My husband is a wonderful man, a fabulous father, but he is not my daddy.
They don't have a lot in common, but they love the same three people.
So, they share.

That's pretty much the way I feel about it.  My dad didn't turn in his Daddy card the day I turned 18, he was my Daddy until the day he died. DH never had any issues with sharing Father's Day, nor have I had issues sharing Mother's Day. 

[saki]

Husband first. It's his fathers day and he's the intermediate family member. I'd plan a special time with my dad on another day. Extended family comes second to my intermediate family's needs.

For me, my dad is an immediate (I assume that's what you meant, not intermediate?) family member and always will be.  I can't imagine feeling otherwise.  Obviously, you feel otherwise and that's fine but I feel the need to point out that not everyone sees it that way.

I think this might be a transatlantic difference but this just wouldn't be a dilemma for me - I see Father's Day as about your father. (and I think that's the general view in the UK.)  Your husband is not your father, he gets to spend the day with his children.  His children might need a bit of help with that (or they might not - depending on their ages) but, even if they do need a hand, it's about giving them some help to do what they want to do to celebrate him, not about you celebrating him.

[Kaypeep]

I'd have breakfast or lunch with my dad while DH spends time with the kids, then go home for dinner with DH and the kids, IF I had to choose.

[Winterlight]

Today, I spent the afternoon with my daddy, and the evening with my children's daddy/my husband.
They were both fine with that.
If they weren't, the complainer would have spent father's day without me.
Yes, I'm a grown woman, but I have an excellent daddy, whom I adore, he hasn't resigned his "daddy" commission, he's adamantly still my father.
My husband is a wonderful man, a fabulous father, but he is not my daddy.
They don't have a lot in common, but they love the same three people.
So, they share.

This seems like a good compromise.

[auntmeegs]

Husband first. It's his fathers day and he's the intermediate family member. I'd plan a special time with my dad on another day. Extended family comes second to my intermediate family's needs.

For me, my dad is an immediate (I assume that's what you meant, not intermediate?) family member and always will be.  I can't imagine feeling otherwise.  Obviously, you feel otherwise and that's fine but I feel the need to point out that not everyone sees it that way.

I think this might be a transatlantic difference but this just wouldn't be a dilemma for me - I see Father's Day as about your father. (and I think that's the general view in the UK.)  Your husband is not your father, he gets to spend the day with his children.  His children might need a bit of help with that (or they might not - depending on their ages) but, even if they do need a hand, it's about giving them some help to do what they want to do to celebrate him, not about you celebrating him.

Yeah, I don't get that either.  My beloved Dad is gone now, but I still have my Mom and she is most certainly not my extended family.  She's my mother, without her I would not be here.  I don't know if it gets more immediate then that. 

[artk2002]

No advice, but I have to say that the title of the thread made me very, very sad. It implies that this is a competition -- that love is a zero-sum game and if one person gains, the other person loses. If and when my sons have families of their own, I certainly hope that they don't feel that they have to make a Solomon-like decision over how to spend Father's Day.

What puzzles me is the idea that something must be celebrated on the exact day. I've celebrated birthdays and holidays a few days on either side of the official day and haven't turned into a pumpkin yet.

[Minmom3]

No advice, but I have to say that the title of the thread made me very, very sad. It implies that this is a competition -- that love is a zero-sum game and if one person gains, the other person loses. If and when my sons have families of their own, I certainly hope that they don't feel that they have to make a Solomon-like decision over how to spend Father's Day.

What puzzles me is the idea that something must be celebrated on the exact day. I've celebrated birthdays and holidays a few days on either side of the official day and haven't turned into a pumpkin yet.

I've tried to be flexible with my kids, because I remember how much I resented it when my mother refused to be flexible.  It tainted my whole relationship with her, and made me want to spend less time with her - and I didn't want that with my kids.  I want to see them with a certain frequency, and I want my birthday acknowledged, but I don't actually care what day we do things on.

[learningtofly]

You have my sympathy because DH gets caught in the middle on Father's Day.  His Dad traditionally plans a golf day for the men.  This worked until we had DD.  Now it means that DH doesn't see DD for most of the day.  Obviously he wants to see his dad, but he also wants to see his kid.  Then when we all finally get together as a big family grandpa wants to focus on DD and is annoyed that DD wants to focus on the father she hasn't seen all day. 

Once I managed to get them to drop golf, but I don't think FIL sees Father's Day as DH's holiday too.  I'm planning a trip away next year, with DH's permission, so they can have quality Daddy daughter time on Father's Day. 

[Sharnita]

You have my sympathy because DH gets caught in the middle on Father's Day.  His Dad traditionally plans a golf day for the men.  This worked until we had DD.  Now it means that DH doesn't see DD for most of the day.  Obviously he wants to see his dad, but he also wants to see his kid.  Then when we all finally get together as a big family grandpa wants to focus on DD and is annoyed that DD wants to focus on the father she hasn't seen all day. 

Once I managed to get them to drop golf, but I don't think FIL sees Father's Day as DH's holiday too.  I'm planning a trip away next year, with DH's permission, so they can have quality Daddy daughter time on Father's Day.

could you get them to include DD in golfing as soon as she is old enough?

[Visiting Crazy Town]

 I'm surprised by these answers because  I have a feeling that it would be a completely different response if she was posting about Mother's Day and  stated that SHE didn't get along with her MIL and she told her DH that he had to choose between her and his MOM I have a feeling that  a lot of you would be telling her that her DH should be putting her first not his Mother and I think that the same holds true with this situation,  but since its Father's Day then it would be ok for her to ell her DH that she can;t choose and if he doesn't get along with her father then he should just celebrate with his kid because she going to spend time with her dad because that more important that her husband.