Author Topic: How to break up with someone who has abandoned you, and their (Final Update #96)  (Read 22833 times)

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bah12

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Being realistic...they are not currently in a relationship.  If Jane wants to acknowledge that in writing, an email that states "John, I'm not sure what's going on, but did feel that I should let you know that I have moved on and no longer consider us in a relationship.  I hope all is well with you."  She can then ignore all (if any) attempts he makes to contract her after that.

As for you, her friend, just be sympathetic.  Like the others, I seriously doubt that John's mother is really ill.  If they were truly in love and planning on getting married, then it's more likely that he would have called Jane and given her some details...other than the vague texts followed by no contact. He would have reached out for some emotional support at some time.  Even if it was  the case that he loved her and his mother is ill, then Jane should see that being married to a guy that shuts down the minute an emergency occurs is just a recipe for a lifetime of frustration.

But, Jane isn't going to want to see/hear all that.  So, just encourage her to get out and hang out with her friends and do things she enjoys.  Distract her from John as much as you can and eventually, she will see the light and get over it.   

EmmaJ.

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My first thought is that he is married, and having fun with Jane.  And as their official meeting time drew near, he had to find some way to break contact.

I bet he has done this a dozen times.  Does Jane have his physical address?  If not - he's definitely married.

Kaypeep

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For Jane to have kept contacting him with no reply for so long tells me she expects to hear something from him, some kind of explanation.  She needs to accept that she likely will never get the closure she wants.   She needs to create her own closure and move on.  I like TeeneyWeeny's Dear John letter.  Short and to the point.  I think she should send nothing at all, but if she feels she must send it, then I'd go with that one.  Treat this whole experience as a life lesson.  It won't be the last time someone does something without explanation, or goes out of your life with unanswered questions.  She should probably stay off the internet and have more RL experiences.  Maybe you and she can go together and volunteer somewhere, or take a class, something that involved more human interactions than solitary moments.  Something to get her off this path of wallowing and introspection and instead on to more independence and healthier relationships.

ladyknight1

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From reading the original post, I had a strong feeling about it and asked DH for his opinion.

John most likely either got caught by his gf/wife or joined a cult/was admitted to a psychiatric institution/is incarcerated.

Jane needs to let herself move past this relationship. She should redirect her thoughts if she is wondering about what John is doing, etc. This was either a hoax on John's part or he was living vicariously in an online relationship with Jane. I doubt it was ever real on his part. I am just grateful Jane had not gotten financially involved.

I have a friend who met her husband online and they have been happily married for 10 years.

Teenyweeny

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I met my wife online, and we've been together for ten years. However, the crucial part of that sentence is that we MET online. We saw each other in person less than two weeks later, we never had an 'online relationship'.

To me, having an exclusively online relationship for more than a few weeks is a recipe for problems down the line. It means that the object of your affections either can't or won't meet meet you in person.

If it's 'won't', then that's an obvious problem.

If it's 'can't', then that's a more subtle problem. Eventually one person is going to have to abandon their current life completely, and throw their lot in with the other partner. I'm not saying that that NEVER works out, but it's very rare.

The person who leaves their old life behind can easily feel resentful, and wonder if their sacrifice was worth it. And there's a heavy burden that comes with being sacrificed for, too. It's a lot of pressure.



LazyDaisy

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If John really is a troll, it's very likely that he didn't give a real address. If Jane sent a letter, and had it returned to her as undeliverable or no person by that name, would that make her feel better or worse? I'm guessing worse, because then she'll not only have the loss of her relationship, but also the total embarrassment that it was probably never real to begin with. I don't think she should send a letter.

She's entitled to grieve for her loss -- and it is a real loss to her in the sense that her feelings are real and she had been making plans about her future, no matter that it may have been unreasonable to most people. I know that it's cliché, but she sounds to be stuck somewhere in the first or second stages of grief -- denial and guilt. In some ways I think to properly heal and move on, she needs to get a little angry at John (the third stage). "How dare John treat me this way?" kind of thing. As a friend, I'd be encouraging her in that direction. She needs to acknowledge to herself that he's gone from her life, stop feeling guilty about his mother (who may or may not be real/sick and is really irrelevant at this point) and get a bit angry about how she's been treated by John. Then she can start to heal from this. It's going to be a tough road ahead because she'll be very reticent to fall in love again after a betrayal like this.
"A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools." — Douglas Adams

SuperMartianRobotGirl

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I wouldn't send another email. I'd just drop it and move on. I know it isn't easy to do, but dragging things on more won't change or help either.

weeblewobble

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What can Jane do?   Nothing.  John has dumped her without the courtesy of actually telling her.  Is that really a person on which she wants to waste one more moment of her mental or emotional energy?

There is no explanation of his behavior that will make her feel better.  She won't get closure. She won't feel vindicated by screaming at him (like he undoubtedly deserves).
If she chooses to contact him, the only thing she is doing is giving him another opportunity to reject her, to her face.

He has told her exactly how much he values her, her love and their relationship.  Not at all. 

Aeris

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And that, friends, is why you should meet in person ASAP after meeting online.

I know many, many people who met online, and I have to say that as the amount of time without meeting in person increases, the likelihood of the relationship working out decreases. People build castles in the air, and as the time goes on, that castle become more and more elaborate. The only problem is that the more elaborate the castle becomes, the less likely it is that reality could ever live up to it. And whilst one of you might be building the castle, the other may be building a beach house with someone else entirely  ;).

I too am highly sceptical of his 'sick mother'. And even if he does have a sick mother, as MrsJWine says, most people lean on their SOs in times of need. They don't not speak to them for 3 months.
<snip>

Then I would eat a huge tub of ice cream and move on. And never, ever let any future online relationships last for more than a couple of weeks before you meet in person. If the other party isn't willing or able, the chances of THAT relationship working out are slim to none.


This, all of this. It's completely reasonable to meet someone online. It's completely reasonable to develop some feelings for someone you've met online - those feelings are real. They are the building block feelings that are necessary for a successful relationship, but *not sufficient*.

But when you wait 14 months to meet someone in the flesh... That's a lot of time for things to go weird. Maybe he built his persona up and realized (with the impending meet up) that he could never live up to the idea in person. Maybe he panicked that "Jane" would not live up to hers and he'd be obviously disappointed in her in RL. Maybe he's married and got caught. Maybe his mother really was sick, and it was an epiphany of some sort and he had a midlife crisis, or embraced his inner jerk.

Who knows. The reality is, it doesn't matter anymore. Any way you slice it, he's a jerk. No matter what the reasons are for why this happened, this isn't someone "Jane" wants in her life.


However, I have to strongly, STRONGLY disagree with this part:

Unfortunately, OP, your friend needs to take this as a lesson learned, and move on. If I were her, I would send an email, simply saying:

Dear John,

As I have not heard from you in 3 months, I have taken this as a clear indication that you do not wish to continue our relationship. This email is to let you know that I too consider our relationship to be at an end. Do not contact me again.

Jane

Do not send this jerk a darn thing. You can tell yourself all you want 'it's for me, not him', and 'it's for closure', or 'I'm not expecting a response - I don't even want one!!', but it's a lie. The only reason to send a "Final Goodbye" note is because you're hoping he responds. You're hoping on some level he apologizes, and spins a magic tale that makes it all makes sense somehow and makes him 1) still love you and 2) not be a total cad. You're hoping he at least makes some pitiful attempt at an excuse. Hell, you're hoping, with some teeny tiny sliver of you tucked away in a back closet somewhere, you're just hoping he responds at all. That you still matter enough to him that he'll respond to this final "No really, I mean it, you're losing me forever buddy!"

And I'm sorry to be so blunt. But you don't matter enough to him. If you did, he'd have contacted you OVER THREE MONTHS AGO. No.matter.what.the.circumstances.are.

You deserve to spend your time working on finding someone who you WILL matter enough to. Don't send a dang thing. All it will do is keep you emotionally hooked on this for longer, waiting against your rational judgment for a response.

And sending this type of note *does not* communicate "I'm over you". It communicates "I'm still thinking a LOT about you." Complete radio silence communicates "I'm over you".

Teenyweeny

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The only reason I would advocate sending a final email is because I'd hate to think that some jerk was out there, imagining me as Miss Havisham, endlessly waiting for him. I can accept that that's probably just me though :).



Minmom3

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He hasn't contacted her in 2 months. Whatever he said before is moot. Unless he's been abducted by aliens, he could have managed a five-minute phone call.

I think the best thing Jane can do is delete his contact information, block his emails and get rid of anything John-related. Then have some ice cream.

I've heard that you should NOT do this - but alter the notification so you either don't hear it, or alert yourself to not answer it.  If it's deleted entirely, then you might get a call some day from him, and accidentally answer it.  Change his name to JohnThePig or some such thing.
Mother to children and fuzz butts....

dawbs

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He hasn't contacted her in 2 months. Whatever he said before is moot. Unless he's been abducted by aliens, he could have managed a five-minute phone call.

I think the best thing Jane can do is delete his contact information, block his emails and get rid of anything John-related. Then have some ice cream.

I've heard that you should NOT do this - but alter the notification so you either don't hear it, or alert yourself to not answer it.  If it's deleted entirely, then you might get a call some day from him, and accidentally answer it.  Change his name to JohnThePig or some such thing.
and while you're doing that, you can change the ring-tone for that contact person as 'silent'.  Works well :)

Sheila Take a Bow

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The only reason I would advocate sending a final email is because I'd hate to think that some jerk was out there, imagining me as Miss Havisham, endlessly waiting for him. I can accept that that's probably just me though :).

But if you stop contacting the jerk, then he won't think you're pining for him.  (Unless he's delusional, in which case sending him a "final" message would also make him think you're still secretly pining for him.)

I've heard that you should NOT do this - but alter the notification so you either don't hear it, or alert yourself to not answer it.  If it's deleted entirely, then you might get a call some day from him, and accidentally answer it.  Change his name to JohnThePig or some such thing.

Yes!  Years ago I got a text message on Christmas from a number I didn't recognize, followed by a phone call from the same number.  I picked up, thinking I was going to let someone know it was a wrong number, and it turned out to be the Bad Idea I had dated a while back and had deleted from my phone.  Now, had I changed the name to "Bad Idea" or "Respect Yourself Don't Answer" or something, I wouldn't have wasted another month or two of my life.

PennyandPleased

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I've heard that you should NOT do this - but alter the notification so you either don't hear it, or alert yourself to not answer it.  If it's deleted entirely, then you might get a call some day from him, and accidentally answer it.  Change his name to JohnThePig or some such thing.

POD x 1000

I made that mistake once and ended up listening to the ex whine and cry about how he wanted to get back together. Tee hee hee.  >:D

I think Jane should send a FINAL email telling John that she is 100% done with him, that she wishes him and his family well, and DON'T contact her any more for any reason. Personally I think Jane needs that kind of closure for herself. Then work on meeting someone new who will treat her the way she deserves.

ETA: I think she should send the final email because she appears like she needs some kind of closure - which is not a bad thing - it just seems like this is how she is personally.
« Last Edit: June 21, 2012, 02:59:44 PM by PennyandPleased »

Style_and_Grace

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Like the others I don't think that she has anyone to break up with.  He ended what they had months ago.  Weather his mother was ill, his wife found out, or something else occurred it doesn't really matter. Yes, it sucks for your friend but it might be time for her to let go and find a way to grow as a person from this event.