Author Topic: How to break up with someone who has abandoned you, and their (Final Update #96)  (Read 23376 times)

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WillyNilly

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Here's what I think she should do.

1. Get a haircut and a manicure
2. Make dinner plans (with real life friends) at somewhere she can wear her favorite outfit
3. Send a snail mail condolence card to his snail mail address over the apparent death of his mother and his broken engagement (but not "our engagement", word it more abstractly).
4. Mail card on way to dinner.  Look fabulous - false eyelashes, amazing shoes, cocktail purse - the works.  Order a bottle of champagne.  Drink and be merry with friends.  Smile at every man who looks at her, perhaps even collect a few phone numbers just for ego purposes.
5. Swear off internet long distance relationships forever.  Swear off any relationship for the rest of the summer.
6. Take advantage of Match.com's Labor Day sales to join for free and go to their singles mingle events and meet an in the flesh person.
7. Live a wonderful life - the best revenge ever.

DavidH

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I'm highly skeptical of having internet dated for more than a month and never met, but depending on the distance, perhaps it makes sense.  I don't know of many places where there is neither cell reception or internet of some kind that have a hospital, but I suppose it's possible. 

The I'll call you when I'm ready kind of thing says one of three things, he's going to be very distracted by circumstances, he wants to break up, or it's getting too serious too fast for him.  I have seen advice given here when someone wants to break up with someone to block all calls and texts, etc, which could be one explanation for what happened.  I was thinking jail might be a reason for discontinuing contact, another could be he died.  In the end, you don't really know. 

If she sent him any snail mail, it may suggest the address is real, but if it were me, I'll be curious enough to look on google earth. That doesn't mean he lives there, but it might be worth the few minutes of effort.

At the end of the day, the relationship such as it was is over.  If she wants to send a note, I suppose she can, but I wouldn't bother since I can't see the point. 

Piratelvr1121

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I think long distance internet friendships are fine if it takes you a while to meet, but as far as romantic relationships go, I don't think anyone should start talking marriage plans until they've met face to face, and Skype doesn't count.

Though I can understand, especially if the couple lives a significant distance from each other, it may take a while before they can meet up.  It took a year and a half of chatting online before my bf and I finally met, but that was because I also had to save up $ for a plane ticket and spending money since she lives in Iowa and I'm in Maryland. 

But then again, that's a friendship, not a romantic thing.
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Giggity

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Another vote for no "closure" contact. It's overrated, and it lets the guy know you're still thinking about him. Silence and pretending like he doesn't exist are far more effective.
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mikeylou

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The only reason I would advocate sending a final email is because I'd hate to think that some jerk was out there, imagining me as Miss Havisham, endlessly waiting for him. I can accept that that's probably just me though :).

A wise friend told me that "You see only what you want to see" when it comes to an online relationship of any sort.

But sending the email, even if it's "so long", lets the guy know that you had been pining for him and you'd given him enough headtime to make one final contact.

In a nutshell, I think your friend got played.  It's sad and unfortunate.  I recommend a carton of ice cream and a marathon of some sort, then move on.  Don't send anything, don't initiate contact.  Alter his contact information so you still have it, but it identifies him as a dork and doesn't interrupt you.

Guys like that tend to rotate through their marks. 

Why do I know this?

Well...

Many moons ago I met a guy online.  We were friendly at first, but after a long time of basically being acquaintances, we started chatting more and became attracted to each other.  We met in person and really hit it off.  Unfortunately after 10 days we had to go back to our respective corners.  We continued with video chats, text chats, etc.  We were making plans for him to come visit me, etc. 

In the end he got kinda dodgy and then initiated a fight between us.  Then he went all "WOE IS ME.  I CAN'T TAKE THIS FIGHTING" and dumped me right then.  I was devastated because we were just kinda bickering and the reaction was so over the top compared to the argument.  He still wanted to talk though and let me know he was having "heart problems" due to the stress of the argument.  He immediately moved on to his next girl.

About 8 months later he came nosing back around me.  My other friend in his town and he had become roommates.  I guess things had waned with the other chick or the one after her, because he started sending me messages.  Being of the mind that sometimes its best to keep your enemies closer, I allowed him to chat.  I kept it superficial and I didn't take anything said seriously.  I rebuffed any requests for video or voice chat.  He was quite entertaining whenever he'd chat while drunk - You find out great stuff.  In the end, he picked another fight.  [Although... He told me he was going to do something while we chatted that skeeved me out and I mentioned it to my friend.  Due to a limited resource, Ex wasn't supposed to do that.  Friend confronted him, and next thing I know I'm hearing that I'm untrustworthy and a horrible person.   Like I knew.]  He wasn't getting what he wanted out of our reestablished contact, so he needed a good excuse to cut contact.  I feel as if he expected me to jump right back in with him or he was waiting for the frost to melt.  When it didn't...

After some long discussions with my friend regarding ex and his habits, we came to the conclusion that ex is addicted to the "honeymoon phase" of a relationship as well as being a bit of a commitment-phobe.  He has no problems making plans way into the future, but once the walking on sunshine starts to wan and the relationship needs maintenance, he moves on to the next victim.  In my case, his next just happened to be the one that was before me.  Stupid girl had been pining for him for months and waiting.  I have this feeling that as soon as I had gone to bed after he dumped me he was on the phone calling her since he kept me strung along for almost a week.

Jane's guy will probably try to contact her at some point.  It depends on how long it takes for him to rotate through marks.  Her best plan is to not respond to anything he sends (not even how pathetic it sounds) and to move on.  I'm glad I did.  Ex's plans to improve his life never did materialize, instead staying at a supermarket job, eating chocolate and chips, and interacting with women on a webcam.

AustenFan

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Here's what I think she should do.

1. Get a haircut and a manicure
2. Make dinner plans (with real life friends) at somewhere she can wear her favorite outfit
3. Send a snail mail condolence card to his snail mail address over the apparent death of his mother and his broken engagement (but not "our engagement", word it more abstractly).
4. Mail card on way to dinner.  Look fabulous - false eyelashes, amazing shoes, cocktail purse - the works.  Order a bottle of champagne.  Drink and be merry with friends.  Smile at every man who looks at her, perhaps even collect a few phone numbers just for ego purposes.
5. Swear off internet long distance relationships forever.  Swear off any relationship for the rest of the summer.
6. Take advantage of Match.com's Labor Day sales to join for free and go to their singles mingle events and meet an in the flesh person.
7. Live a wonderful life - the best revenge ever.

Please consider this the loudest POD in the history of PODs. Except the fake eyelashes. I've never seen ones that don't look like hell when they are removed.

I don't think she should contact him at all, because it will start the communication cycle over again for her and prolong her hurt. We write letters, emails and text messages to get responses, so on some subconscious level she will be expecting one. She will get angry or disappointed when there isn't a response, and drag herself back through every one of their interactions to try and figure out what went wrong.

She should also thank her lucky stars that he wasn't a better con man. She could have been deep enough into this to give him money or enough information to compromise her identity.

LadyL

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I have seen far too many online relationships of this sort where the guy actually had a wife (and sometimes kids) or otherwise was not who he said he was, as others have pointed out.

Most well adjusted adults who met a romantic partner online would want to meet in person much sooner than 14 months after initial contact. I met LordL online and we met in person within 3 weeks. His brother also met his girlfriend, who he now lives with, online and I think they met in person within something like 3 months because it required plane tickets and such.

If your friend is reasonably well adjusted that suggests that her boyfriend was not. But honestly, your friend sounds like she could use a reminder that she deserves far better treatment. I would not have waited around more than about 10 days for the "sick mom" excuse nevermind several months from someone I was supposedly talking marriage with. It sounds like she may have some issues with low self esteem. Hopefully you can be there for her while she processes the situation and help her realize she deserves better.

Frostblooded

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Can we stop making unnecessary judgmental commentary on the nature of internet relationship and get back to the situation in the OP? There is a saying. "You don't like it? Don't do it." I met my husband online role-playing. We have been together for six years. There are as many great online relationships as there are bad.

Sharnita

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I even wonder if he did go home because his mother ws sick and then his family "talked sense"  into him when they heard how committed he was to a woman he had never actually met.

DavidH

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I don't think anyone is saying you shouldn't meet someone on line, just that if you do, you should plan to meet live relatively soon, or at least before making long term future plans.

diesel_darlin

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I thoroughly agree with the posters that have said that Jane needs to move on. I know she is hurt, but the best thing that Jane can do for Jane is not initiate any further contact. I realize the need for closure, but I believe this door is closed already, and Jane would only further her hurt if she tried to open it again.

I cannot say that I am against online relationships, but I can say there is a need to tread very lightly. I started "dating" a guy I met in a mobile (made for cell phones) chat room. We got along famously. I am into trucks, he was a trucker, you know the rest. Well we were "together" for a few months when he got a run through my town and we met.   He was nothing like his pictures, and he was also very unclean. Ive been around trucking all my life and I understand that it is hard to find time to get spic and span sometimes; because when you have to be somewhere, you gotta go go go. But I would have really appreciated it if he would have taken the time to freshen up a teensy bit.  :o I broke up with him a few days later. I found out that not only was he "dating" me, he was "dating" several other girls as well. This pretty much turned me off of online dating. I tried a few times after that, but nothing ever came of it.

I guess what I'm trying to say here, is with internet relationships, there is so much room for untruths and deceit. BUT. On the other hand, I have some friends that met on PlentyOfFish, and they have been married for almost a year, together for around 3 I think.

I totally agree with WillyNilly. Jane's best revenge will be moving on without John, and living a wonderful life. 

mbbored

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Dear John,

As I have not heard from you in 3 months, I have taken this as a clear indication that you do not wish to continue our relationship. This email is to let you know that I too consider our relationship to be at an end. Do not contact me again.

Jane

Then I would eat a huge tub of ice cream and move on. And never, ever let any future online relationships last for more than a couple of weeks before you meet in person. If the other party isn't willing or able, the chances of THAT relationship working out are slim to none.

I think we can agree that John is done with the relationship. For me, at this point what happened to him and/or his intentions doesn't really matter. What matters is Jane and her feelings, which from her end were completely honest and real. If it would help her to do something as closure, please encourage her to send a message along these lines. If she doesn't want to or doesn't feel she needs to, then just be supportive and sympathetic. Tissues, ice cream, girls night, whatever.

Marguette

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On the one hand, what everyone said about the risk of internet relationships that don't soon turn into a face-to-face meeting.

But on the other hand, the internet thing is somewhat of a red herring. I have known this kind of thing to happen in real life relationships too. In one particular case (the wife is my friend), the couple had been married some 6 or 7 years, and one time he had to go see his family (parents, siblings, etc.) in another state for the weekend to take care of some family stuff. Only then the weekend stretched into a week, then another week, then months and finally he never came back. In all the decreasing contacts during that time, he never said he was leaving her, just that it was taking a little longer than he had thought, some of the documents were missing, it was getting complicated, and so on.

I tell this story to make the point that although in Janeís case an important factor might be that the John she thought she knew may never have existed, that isnít the only circumstance in which people do the silent one-sided breakup.

As to what Jane should do, what Aeris said in #53.

Teenyweeny

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I'm not dissing meeting online, not at all. My wife and I met online. It's the idea of a months-long relationship ENTIRELY conducted online that I find problematic. Far too great a potential for disappointed expectations, concealment and hurt feelings.



PastryGoddess

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Dear John,

As I have not heard from you in 3 months, I have taken this as a clear indication that you do not wish to continue our relationship. This email is to let you know that I too consider our relationship to be at an end. Do not contact me again.

Jane

Then I would eat a huge tub of ice cream and move on. And never, ever let any future online relationships last for more than a couple of weeks before you meet in person. If the other party isn't willing or able, the chances of THAT relationship working out are slim to none.

I think we can agree that John is done with the relationship. For me, at this point what happened to him and/or his intentions doesn't really matter. What matters is Jane and her feelings, which from her end were completely honest and real. If it would help her to do something as closure, please encourage her to send a message along these lines. If she doesn't want to or doesn't feel she needs to, then just be supportive and sympathetic. Tissues, ice cream, girls night, whatever.

I POD these responses.  It doesn't really matter about John at this point.  Jane is the one who needs closure and if writing a letter/email/text to him saying we're done is closure then great.  If never contacting him again and creating a dartboard with his face is closure then so be it.

I'm sure she know's that she was crazy/foolish/lovestruck/etc. She doesn't need to hear it ad nauseum.  She needs a friend who will help her move on from this (momentary) hurt and get on with her life.