How to break up with someone who has abandoned you, and their (Final Update #96)

[Iris]

Here's what I think she should do.

1. Get a haircut and a manicure
2. Make dinner plans (with real life friends) at somewhere she can wear her favorite outfit
3. Send a snail mail condolence card to his snail mail address over the apparent death of his mother and his broken engagement (but not "our engagement", word it more abstractly).
4. Mail card on way to dinner.  Look fabulous - false eyelashes, amazing shoes, cocktail purse - the works.  Order a bottle of champagne.  Drink and be merry with friends.  Smile at every man who looks at her, perhaps even collect a few phone numbers just for ego purposes.
5. Swear off internet long distance relationships forever.  Swear off any relationship for the rest of the summer.
6. Take advantage of Match.com's Labor Day sales to join for free and go to their singles mingle events and meet an in the flesh person.
7. Live a wonderful life - the best revenge ever.

This. I would say card is optional, but in all other respects, this.

[squashedfrog]

Dear John,

As I have not heard from you in 3 months, I have taken this as a clear indication that you do not wish to continue our relationship. This email is to let you know that I too consider our relationship to be at an end. Do not contact me again.

Jane

Then I would eat a huge tub of ice cream and move on. And never, ever let any future online relationships last for more than a couple of weeks before you meet in person. If the other party isn't willing or able, the chances of THAT relationship working out are slim to none.

I think we can agree that John is done with the relationship. For me, at this point what happened to him and/or his intentions doesn't really matter. What matters is Jane and her feelings, which from her end were completely honest and real. If it would help her to do something as closure, please encourage her to send a message along these lines. If she doesn't want to or doesn't feel she needs to, then just be supportive and sympathetic. Tissues, ice cream, girls night, whatever.

I POD these responses.  It doesn't really matter about John at this point.  Jane is the one who needs closure and if writing a letter/email/text to him saying we're done is closure then great.  If never contacting him again and creating a dartboard with his face is closure then so be it.

I'm sure she know's that she was crazy/foolish/lovestruck/etc. She doesn't need to hear it ad nauseum.  She needs a friend who will help her move on from this (momentary) hurt and get on with her life.

I'd like to POD this, I dont think I could have said it better myself.

[Petticoats]

I think that if Jane would get closure from sending one last break-off communication, she should do it. Even if it does let John know Jane is still thinking about him, why should Jane care what John thinks at this point? Honestly, I don't think it will do Jane any good to keep dwelling on what he's thinking, whether his ego will be soothed by one last letter, whatever. He probably isn't reading her communications anyway, so I don't think there's any risk that a break-off email/card/text would set off a new round of games.

[Allyson]

If I were Jane, I'd want to send a note. Would there be a part of me that was doing it out of a small shred of hope he would respond, so I'd get some sort of answer? Yes. But I'd have to send the final letter to feel I had done all I could in the situation. I wouldn't worry too much about John thinking she's desperate for sending it--he will think what he wants regardless, and unless she's sending a message every day still, it doesn't look desperate to send one final letter that basically says 'Since you have not contacted me in any way in months, I am going to take that as the end of our relationship. You could simply have ended it when you realised that was what you wanted, rather than dragging it out. I hope your mother is doing well.'

Good luck to your friend.

[courtsmad25]

 I agree that maybe a quick email stating that after this time, she knows he's done, and while she is disappointed, she really thought that they were close enough to be able to say those words to her. Good luck with life~Jane and be done.
  I love the "you can't fire me, because I quit" aspect of it, and although I think John's been long out of this fight, Jane can still have the closure that she needs.

[rigs32]

My fear for Jane?  She sends the email and gets a crazy-pants response from John that just causes her more hurt.

[ladyknight1]

My fear for Jane?  She sends the email and gets a crazy-pants response from John that just causes her more hurt.

That is my fear as well.

OP, is there a way you can take the letter Jane writes and hold onto it (with Jane's permission of course)?

I know it can be cathartic to write a closing letter, but it may not be necessary to actually mail it. If the letter is never sent, Jane would not expect a response, and it may help with closure for her.

[SuperMartianRobotGirl]

This is part of why I don't think she should send another message. She'll just wonder if he got it and how he responded and if he'll get back in touch with her. It'll me something more to obsess over. Better to just let go now.

[TealDragon]

In regards to whether or not to send a letter for closure, if she really thinks that sending a letter would be the most helpful, would it be possible for her to write a letter to him, stick it in and addressed and stamped envelope, and then put that in another envelope to mail to the OP, and then the OP can either mail it or toss it or burn it or whatever without Jane knowing the outcome until she's over this? That way she gets the satisfaction of writing and mailing the letter, but if OP destroys it, John never gets the satisfaction of seeing Jane's final hurt over all this.

[greencat]

Personally, I think she should not send John a breakup message.  There's too great a risk that he will see that as a challenge and "throw her a bone" to keep all the attention coming.

[EmmaJ.]

If Jane really wants that last conversation with John, tell her to send him a text saying "John, surprise!  I've come to console you.  I'm here in town and will be knocking on your front door in 5 minutes!"

Since I'm very sure he has a wife/girlfriend, he's going to reply.  Panicked.   

[Iris]

If Jane really wants that last conversation with John, tell her to send him a text saying "John, surprise!  I've come to console you.  I'm here in town and will be knocking on your front door in 5 minutes!"

Since I'm very sure he has a wife/girlfriend, he's going to reply.  Panicked.   

Muhahahahahaha. EmmaJ, you are an evil genius 

[Piratelvr1121]

If Jane really wants that last conversation with John, tell her to send him a text saying "John, surprise!  I've come to console you.  I'm here in town and will be knocking on your front door in 5 minutes!"

Since I'm very sure he has a wife/girlfriend, he's going to reply.  Panicked.   

You are evil.  I love it.

[Amara]

You've gotten so much good advice for your friend, OP. I really hope it helps her.

I will just add that I think it doesn't matter in the slightest why John acted as he did. Married? In jail? Family pressure? Simple jerkhood? It matters not at all. What does matter more is that Jane realize it is over. It was probably over back in early March when he first came up with the reason.

I also believe she should not send anything at all. It seems to me that this is sort of like quitting a job in anger/despair or being fired. You want to tell your boss why she is such a jerk in person or in a company-wide email but you refrain because it is surely not going to help you move on and up. Regardless of how you deny it to yourself you want a response. You want an answer as to why things deteriorated. You want that closure. But if you are smart you realize it isn't going to happen. It is what it is. Channel that hate and/or disappointment elsewhere. Sure, it's hard. You want to take the upper hand, as it were, to be the one in control. But you can't have it. Swallowing all the emotion around it may feel humiliating, and that humiliation may take time to work out. Ice cream or some time with good friends can help, but ultimately it is time that is needed to work the healing. I say again that as satisfying as a last response can be it won't provide what is really needed: time. Tell Jane to hug herself, to cry and curse as much as she needs. But not to contact him again--even if he tries to resume contact at a later point.

Jane deserves better and she knows it. But it's probably going to take a fair amount of time before she accepts it in the spirit in which she offers it to herself.

[Miss Understood]

Do not send this jerk a darn thing. You can tell yourself all you want 'it's for me, not him', and 'it's for closure', or 'I'm not expecting a response - I don't even want one!!', but it's a lie. The only reason to send a "Final Goodbye" note is because you're hoping he responds. You're hoping on some level he apologizes, and spins a magic tale that makes it all makes sense somehow and makes him 1) still love you and 2) not be a total cad. You're hoping he at least makes some pitiful attempt at an excuse. Hell, you're hoping, with some teeny tiny sliver of you tucked away in a back closet somewhere, you're just hoping he responds at all. That you still matter enough to him that he'll respond to this final "No really, I mean it, you're losing me forever buddy!"

And I'm sorry to be so blunt. But you don't matter enough to him. If you did, he'd have contacted you OVER THREE MONTHS AGO. No.matter.what.the.circumstances.are.

You deserve to spend your time working on finding someone who you WILL matter enough to. Don't send a dang thing. All it will do is keep you emotionally hooked on this for longer, waiting against your rational judgment for a response.

And sending this type of note *does not* communicate "I'm over you". It communicates "I'm still thinking a LOT about you." Complete radio silence communicates "I'm over you".

I have to agree wholeheartedly with Aeris here.  Leaving aside the issue of whether there was a real relatationship in the first place, John seems to have decided that whatever relationship existed should cease.  Any attempt at closure on Jane's part will likely be met with the same silence she has already encountered in her last few texts. 

I think the fact that this happened just when their first meeting was upcoming is very telling - he's married or has something else to hide.