Author Topic: How to break up with someone who has abandoned you, and their (Final Update #96)  (Read 23383 times)

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Raintree

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Is anyone else thinking of the line from the Van Halen song "Jamie's crying..": "She wants to send him a letter....just to try and make herself feel better...."

I am also very sorry she got hurt. Even if the sick mom story was real, you don't want a guy who drops out in times of crisis. But I think the sick mom story was not real at all and he was enjoying a game using a carefully crafted persona. Probably married and bored and enjoying the attention with the convenience of distance to keep it safe for him.

I'd say she should not contact him again. She has already tried. If she sends him one last message to say, "I consider this relationship over" then likely he will think, "Well obviously....it took her this long to figure it out?"

I'd also not be surprised if he contacts her a year from now wanting to take up the game again. It's happened over and over again in my younger years that when a guy drops out and you finally move on, there he is again within 8 months, calling and acting like nothing happened.

BarensMom

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That happened to me many years ago.  I dated a guy a few times, then radio silence.  Six months later, he calls again and we go out a few more times, then nothing.  Six months later, guess who called and wanted to meet at the local bar?  I said sure, okay, see you then, then went out with my then DB (now DH).  It wasn't polite then and isn't now, but, dang, it felt good at the time.

nonesuch4

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This kinda-sorta happened with someone I had actually dated.  We actually were still in casual communication playing Scrabble on Facebook. (The Scrabble with the letter tiles) He spent part of the year elsewhere, was due back in town that week, and I hadn't had a personal email in over two months.  Since I hadn't heard anything,

On Tuesday I deleted all the emails we'd sent one another.

On Thursday, I de-friended him on Facebook and canceled the email account we used to contact one another.

On Saturday I took the gift he'd given me outside, set it on a rock, and pulverized it with a hammer. I came back inside and deleted his number from my cell phone, and threw out his card from the Rolodex.

cicero

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1. she should write the card/letter and then not send it. throw it in the fireplace with some sage and garlic (or whatever wards off witches and the evil eye), dance around it, etc.
2. as someone suggested upthread - put on her best duds, go out with some *real* friends, and get back to life.
3. at some point down the line, today, next month, whenever, talk to her about this. her feelings *are* real, i have no doubt about it, but she needs to accept that they were based on something that *isn't* real. there is a huge difference between "meeting someone online" which is as legitimate as meetings someone at work, school, through friends, at speed dating, "having a long term relationship" with someone once you've actually met IRL, and "developing a relationship with someone online" because she has to understand that she really truly has no idea who this guy is, who his friends are, what his marital/legal/financial/etc status is. she knows only what he chooses to tell her. and that is where the danger lies.

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Emmy

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I think Jane should do what makes her feel good.  If part of that involves sending a letter to end it so she could close that chapter of her life, then she should do it.  I don't think her pride should stand in the way of something that would give her closure.  However, if she wants to write yet another letter pleading for a response from John, then I think it would be best to advise her to not to write a letter.  The best think somebody could do for Jane right now is to build her up and involve her in activities that would help get her mind off of John. 

I've had a similar experience where a coward just evaded me to end the relationship.  We knew each other in person and dated in college for a few months.  Later the charming guy I liked so much started to be a jerk.  He'd show up hours later, he wouldn't return calls, and wasn't available to spend time with me anymore.  After giving him a few too many chances because I liked him so much, I realized I had two choices; put up with being treated like dirt under his feet or move on with my life.  I was never going to get the closure and more attempts to contact him would just drag out the drama and disappointment.  There were some really hard days where I was seriously tempted to try just one more time in hopes that things would be different.  As time went on those hard days were fewer and further apart.  I started to realize I was seeing his true self and he was a selfish cowardly jerk.  I also started to realize that I deserve better.  I had built this guy up in my mind to be somebody wonderful and wanted it to feel the same as when we first started to date.  Some people say to stop spending mental time and energy on somebody like that and I agree, but you just can't turn off your feelings like a faucet (although that would be nice).  Your friend should actively try to move on with her life and know that it is a process that is not east, but will be better for her than trying to breathe life into a dead relationship.

I wish the best for your friend and I really do hope that someday she will talk about what a bullet she dodged.

GreenEyedHawk

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Do not send this jerk a darn thing. You can tell yourself all you want 'it's for me, not him', and 'it's for closure', or 'I'm not expecting a response - I don't even want one!!', but it's a lie. The only reason to send a "Final Goodbye" note is because you're hoping he responds. You're hoping on some level he apologizes, and spins a magic tale that makes it all makes sense somehow and makes him 1) still love you and 2) not be a total cad. You're hoping he at least makes some pitiful attempt at an excuse. Hell, you're hoping, with some teeny tiny sliver of you tucked away in a back closet somewhere, you're just hoping he responds at all. That you still matter enough to him that he'll respond to this final "No really, I mean it, you're losing me forever buddy!"

And I'm sorry to be so blunt. But you don't matter enough to him. If you did, he'd have contacted you OVER THREE MONTHS AGO. No.matter.what.the.circumstances.are.

You deserve to spend your time working on finding someone who you WILL matter enough to. Don't send a dang thing. All it will do is keep you emotionally hooked on this for longer, waiting against your rational judgment for a response.

And sending this type of note *does not* communicate "I'm over you". It communicates "I'm still thinking a LOT about you." Complete radio silence communicates "I'm over you".

I have to agree wholeheartedly with Aeris here.  Leaving aside the issue of whether there was a real relatationship in the first place, John seems to have decided that whatever relationship existed should cease.  Any attempt at closure on Jane's part will likely be met with the same silence she has already encountered in her last few texts. 

I think the fact that this happened just when their first meeting was upcoming is very telling - he's married or has something else to hide.

Yeah, I have to agree as well, I think Aeris nailed it.  It sucks for your friend, it hurts to be made a fool of.  I'm sure she feels hurt and embarrassed, but the best revenge would be a life well lived without him.
"After all this time?"
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TheVapors

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Before I get into the update, I want to say thank you from me to everyone for your replies. I appreciate the thoughts and advice.

Down to business. I spoke with Jane. We had a good talk about the whole situation in much detail from beginning to end, and went over her options. She had a good laugh about the many suggestions of ice cream comfort ;) And enjoyed hearing WillyNilly's list of "to do's".

After our chat, she took a couple of days to roll things around in her mind. She came to a few conclusions, and made a couple of decisions over the weekend.

Firstly, moving on and far, far away from John after this stunt was an inevitability. She woke up that morning after her birthday a couple weeks ago, and it just kinda clicked. She knew it was over. She agrees with absolutely everyone here! No more John. Good bye and good riddance. She especially acknowledges and agrees that if John did care, he would have found a way to contact her. No questions. No excuses. Someone who supposedly loves you that much would've resorted to skywriting or carrier pigeon. Added to that, she knows she is so much better than needing to put up with someone who wouldn't find comfort in her during an emotionally trying time.

Here's what she did over the weekend. (Parts of which I was a witness to, the others were relayed to me through her.) She and I hung out for a bit of time, had some junk food, watched our favorite episodes of Buffy The Vampire Slayer (that is... anything Oz or Spike heavy, and twice for "Once More With Feeling").

When she had some time to herself she sat down and wrote out a letter to John. She wrote out every single detail of everything she thought, and felt. She wrote what she wished for him (some of it was very pleasant, a lot of it was graphically not...). After writing it all out, she realized she didn't want him to see it. She imagined herself a year from now, and knew that she'd look back on this moment and regret sending him anything more of herself. Then, she folded the letter up took it outside and got angry all over it. She stomped on it. She screamed at it. She tore it into little bits. Then, she lit it on fire and stomped on the ashes.

She says she's still melancholy for now, and there might still be more tears (and plenty more anger), but she actually feels somewhat relieved. Just making the decision, and figuring out to start letting go. She was waiting and worrying for so long, that once she decided to move away from the situation she suddenly realized how much she was carrying it around with her. In time, the little things will stop reminding her of John. She's eager to have that time come; she can't wait to forget about him. So, there's a light at the end of the tunnel (and she says it doesn't sound like a train ;)).

TL;DR - Jane will be OK. Not just OK. She'll be awesome given a little time.

She sent me to deeply thank everyone on her behalf. She feels that much more supported in her decision to get off her bum and get on with the better things in life.

diesel_darlin

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Excellent update!  :)I wish Jane the best of luck with the rest of her life without John.  ;)

Shoo

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Jane sounds like a great girl.  Best of luck to her!

Raintree

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Great update!! I am sorry for what she is going through but I'm glad she has made the decision to move on.

I was also dumped in a cowardly fashion....this was a guy I was dating for quite a while in real life but it feels just as crummy either way. This guy suddenly stopped returning my calls. I can't remember how long I was leaving messages on his voice mail, but I eventually figured out that my calls were not going to be returned and felt like a fool. Weird thing was, I saw him go past my apartment a few times. And I knew he was doing it on purpose because I knew where he worked and where he lived and nothing in his life would give him reason to go by my place unless he was wanting to see me.

A year later he did call, apologetic that he'd been going through a rough time. The idiot (me) fell for it. We dated a bit more after that but in the end I decided I wanted to date other people as I felt the relationship was going nowhere.

mbbored

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Bravo Jane! I'm particularly proud of her for having the insight to not actually send the letter.

lovepickles

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Great to hear! Also Buffy is my number 1 pick me up! Excellent taste! :)

O'Dell

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Good for Jane! :)
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Piratelvr1121

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Good for her!! :):):) I love what she did with the letter!  A Wiccan friend of mine from college once told me that at Yule/Winter Solstice, she liked to write down things on pieces of paper that she would like gone from her life.  Bad habits, that kind of thing, then she'd burn them in a fire. 

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars.  You have a right to be here. Be cheerful, strive to be happy. -Desiderata

Iris

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Firstly, great update!

Secondly, given your particular choices of Buffy episodes I humbly request an invite to the next marathon. I'll bring the wine  :D
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