How to break up with someone who has abandoned you, and their (Final Update #96)

[TheVapors]

I guess the other thing to consider is (maybe a bit far-fetched) that he's in jail, or psychiatric care?

I couldn't say. And I'm doubtful that Jane will ever know what really happened.

Regardless of the why, it comes down to... what now? Note? No note? Dance naked in the woods around a bonfire? I have no idea.

[TheVapors]

I don't want to seem harsh, but I think Jane may not have been in a relationship but rather had a friend she was communicating with over the course of more than a year.  I don't see how a person can seriously talk marriage and kids when they have never even met the other person.  I am sorry John hurt her.

Jane wasn't the only one talking the serious stuff. Until 3 months ago, communication was on equal footing. This was not just a friendship. This was a real relationship with real relationship emotions. John made that more than clear, as did Jane. Then... this all happened.

I do understand your opinion on it, though.

Jane wouldn't be the first person to be taken in by someone playing a game.  It sounds like "John" got tired of it and decided to quit playing.

Seriously, I think it's crazy to be talking love, marriage, kids, etc. without ever having met the person in real life.  How does Jane know this man is who he said he was?  The internet is crawling with people who pretend to be someone they're not.  They mess with people, string them along, make promises....   then they disappear.

I think it's very possible that Jane's "boyfriend" was one of those people.

These are all possibilities. I certainly never met him. I think it still leaves the question, though.

What does Jane do now in the immediate sense? Again, besides her own rituals for moving on... is there anything, like sending a letter, that should be done?

[TurtleDove]

Regardless of the why, it comes down to... what now? Note? No note? Dance naked in the woods around a bonfire? I have no idea.

I don't think it matters what Jane does.  She doesn't have a boyfriend to break up with.  I would do nothing with respect to John, and move on.

[Steve]

Jane wasn't the only one talking the serious stuff. Until 3 months ago, communication was on equal footing. This was not just a friendship. This was a real relationship with real relationship emotions. John made that more than clear, as did Jane. Then... this all happened.

I do understand your opinion on it, though.

I have to add to Turtledove here: when you have not met in person, there has not been a relationship in my opinion.
Of course you can play one over the phone and internet, but you should not mistake it for the real thing, you will only end up hurt.

[rashea]

I think the answer is, will it help Jane to move on to send a letter? If it does, she should send it. If not, then move on.

[Shoo]

I don't want to seem harsh, but I think Jane may not have been in a relationship but rather had a friend she was communicating with over the course of more than a year.  I don't see how a person can seriously talk marriage and kids when they have never even met the other person.  I am sorry John hurt her.

Jane wasn't the only one talking the serious stuff. Until 3 months ago, communication was on equal footing. This was not just a friendship. This was a real relationship with real relationship emotions. John made that more than clear, as did Jane. Then... this all happened.

I do understand your opinion on it, though.

Jane wouldn't be the first person to be taken in by someone playing a game.  It sounds like "John" got tired of it and decided to quit playing.

Seriously, I think it's crazy to be talking love, marriage, kids, etc. without ever having met the person in real life.  How does Jane know this man is who he said he was?  The internet is crawling with people who pretend to be someone they're not.  They mess with people, string them along, make promises....   then they disappear.

I think it's very possible that Jane's "boyfriend" was one of those people.

These are all possibilities. I certainly never met him. I think it still leaves the question, though.

What does Jane do now in the immediate sense? Again, besides her own rituals for moving on... is there anything, like sending a letter, that should be done?

I don't think sending a letter, or phoning, or texting, or *anything* at this point would serve any purpose other than to make her appear desperate.  At this point, she needs to pull herself up, gather her dignity, and forget about him. 

He has made himself perfectly clear here.  She needs to accept that.  There is no answer, no explanation, nothing he could say or do that will change the facts of what he's done the past few months.  Jane's best course of action is to do absolutely nothing further to perpetuate the myth that was their relationship. 

[Yvaine]

I guess the other thing to consider is (maybe a bit far-fetched) that he's in jail, or psychiatric care?

I couldn't say. And I'm doubtful that Jane will ever know what really happened.

Regardless of the why, it comes down to... what now? Note? No note? Dance naked in the woods around a bonfire? I have no idea.

No note. She should just ignore him and move on. Don't give him the satisfaction. If she wants to write a note, she should write it and then burn it.

[Corvid]

Regardless of the why, it comes down to... what now? Note? No note? Dance naked in the woods around a bonfire? I have no idea.

I don't think it matters what Jane does.  She doesn't have a boyfriend to break up with.  I would do nothing with respect to John, and move on.

I agree.  Whether the whole relationship was someone playing some kind of game or whether he's really a lovely guy with a sick mom or whether it's somewhere in between is all moot.  Nearly three months of not responding to any of Jane's attempts to contact him is a pretty sure indicator that he's done with her.  If it will really make her feel better to send him a "Dear John" message, fine, but that won't likely get any response either.  I doubt he's even bothering to read or listen to any of her messages at this point.  Were I her, I wouldn't bother.

[TheVapors]

Regardless of the why, it comes down to... what now? Note? No note? Dance naked in the woods around a bonfire? I have no idea.

I don't think it matters what Jane does.  She doesn't have a boyfriend to break up with.  I would do nothing with respect to John, and move on.

I agree.  Whether the whole relationship was someone playing some kind of game or whether he's really a lovely guy with a sick mom or whether it's somewhere in between is all moot.  Nearly three months of not responding to any of Jane's attempts to contact him is a pretty sure indicator that he's done with her.  If it will really make her feel better to send him a "Dear John" message, fine, but that won't likely get any response either.  I doubt he's even bothering to read or listen to any of her messages at this point.  Were I her, I wouldn't bother.

This definitely makes the most sense to me! Hopefully all these will make the most sense to her, too.

[alice]

Has Jane looked at her cell phone bill to see the location of the calls to/from John when he was supposedly in his mother's home town?  That might tell Jane if he was not at home, and really in another location.  Of course, he could have been in another location with another woman...not his mother!

[Giggity]

Wait, she never MET him? That wasn't a relationship. That was an online friendship that he decided he didn't want to continue.

[ilrag]

I too get the feeling that John is in no way being honest about what's happening in his life, let's pretend that he is.

Does Jane still want a future with a man who makes no effort to communicate with her for months when things are going poorly? Part of being in a serious relationship or married is having something who you can talk to about what ever is going on in your life, good or bad. I doubt it's ever easy for anyone to talk about when their parents are in failing health, but if you can't talk about it with the person you are planning to Marry, why are you going to marry them?

If I was Jane I would decide that he did break up with me. I wouldn't communicate with him at all. If he at a later date contacted me I'd be confused as to why.

If she sends him a note, what does she expect to happen? He'll suddenly see the light and things will to back to how they were? More likely he'll hit delete with out ever opening it.

[TurtleDove]

Wait, she never MET him? That wasn't a relationship. That was an online friendship that he decided he didn't want to continue.

This.  I am sorry Jane was hurt. I would urge her to not invest into such friendships in the future.  Long distance relationships can work (well, depending on what people want), but this was not a long distance relationship.

[TheVapors]

Wait, she never MET him? That wasn't a relationship. That was an online friendship that he decided he didn't want to continue.

I can truly understand this sentiment.

Her feelings are real, even if some would dismiss the relationship.

[MrsJWine]

If I loved someone enough to be talking marriage, kids, etc, I'd be leaning on him as much as possible while my mom was sick, no matter how far away he was. Regardless of his supposed reasons for not communicating with her, it's very telling to me that he didn't make it happen--not for her sake, but for his.