Being asked if you are a virgin

[snugglegirl05]

I have been asked in the past by guys if I was a virgin. Personally I felt that was a bit intrusive.

Now a female friend of my  boyfriend has decided that she only wants to date guys who are virgins. She does not want to date a guy unless he is a virgin.

How do you politely find out if a guy is a virgin?

Is this even appropriate?

[SamiHami]

I think your friend is going to be very lonely. Not because there are no virgins out there, but quizzing a potential date about their sexual history (or lack of) before even going out with them is rude, intrusive and comes across as kinda flakey. I suspect she is going to scare off any potential dates.

I don't think she understands the concept of dating. The purpose is to slowly get to know someone, and if it turns out you are compatible, you then start sharing more personal information. So maybe it's okay to ask this of a guy you've gone out with a few times and think you might have a future with, but it's not okay to ask a virtual stranger that simply asks for a date because he thinks your kind of cute.

[Sharnita]

Is this part of a larger belief system?  I think that if it comes out of a shared religious belief, for example, you'd start of discussing general religious beliefs and then get more specific.  I can understand this to a certain degree.  Another personmight want to date a fellow vegan or something similar.

If there is no ohter belief system of anything else to link this to I don't know how you'd work your way up to it.

[SuperMartianRobotGirl]

I can not think of any appropriate or polite way to ask that. It is very intrusive. Her best bet would probably be to join an organization (like a conservative church or something like that) where the culture and expectation is that people abstain until marriage. Even then, she should wait a bit until she broaches that subject IMO. Her desire to not date people with sexual experience is not more important than their right to not have nosy personal questions asked by virtual strangers.

[Aeris]

Does she never want to go on a single date with a non-virgin again? Because if so, I agree with PPs, that's going to be difficult to do outside of 1) shared religious affiliation or 2) online dating where she can list that requirement in her profile.

However, if she merely wants to avoid getting serious with someone unless they are a virgin - well that's more reasonable. Asking about sexual history is not inappropriate at *some stage* of increasing dating seriousness.

What's probably going to be a lot more effective though, is perhaps discussing a broader belief concept. Does your friend strongly believe that one should not have premarital sex, for instance? I think that's a conversation one can and should have in the first handful of dates with a person, to see if you're on the same page about it. It may not directly and unquestionably answer the 'are you a virgin' question, but she'd get decent indicator of the likelihood. Additionally, it's much less intrusive, because it ostensibly speaks to her beliefs and plans for any current/future relationship. (If he's looking for sex before marriage in dating her, that could be a deal breaker before you even approach the 'are you a virgin' question.)

[Reason]

I think this is pretty funny. If a girl says "I only date virgins. Are you a virgin?" most guys will readily profess that they are in fact a virgin, even if they are Casanova.

No, there is no polite way to ask this and the chances of getting an honest answer are miniscule.

[Sharnita]

I don't know, a real Casanova might not want to invest a lot of time in a woman who is pro-virginity.

[purplemuse]

She might interrogate herself as to why she only wants to date virgins too (if she hasn't already). It might not help any, but if she finds that it's not actually the virginity itself that's important, but what she feels it represents, then she might be able to come up with a less-intrusive question/alternate strategy for dealing with the issue.

For example, if she believes a virgin is more likely to be willing to wait until marriage for s3x, she can discuss sexual mores/expectations earlier in a relationship than flat out asking "Are you a virgin?"

If she's concerned about STD's, she can ask that he be tested before they become intimate and/or (if she's young enough) get vaccinated for HPV.

If she's like me (yes, I was the same way when I was younger/single) and it's about her own insecurity and/or a respect thing* she can decide what she needs to feel secure/respected or work on any unreasonable insecurity issues.

If she does all this, and decides they still have to be virgins, I think Aeris' first two paragraphs sum it up.

*You see, I was raised with the stereotype that boys go out and date and have s3x with the "bad girls" until they're ready to get married, and then they start paying attention to the "good girls." I wasn't having any of that, and decided that if guys (in general) expected me to wait for them, then they'd darn well better respect me enough to wait for me too.

[Allyson]

I don't think most guys would lie about being virgins to continue to date a girl. Even if you assume most guys are likely to lie in that circumstance... If he were only dating her in order to sleep with her, her 'yay virginity' stance would make this unlikely. And if he were planning on dating her more long-term, the truth would eventually out.

I think most people (male or female) would be really creeped out by this question. I sure would be. The same results could probably be achieved by saying something like, 'I don't believe in sex before marriage'. And it does also depend on the community. Where I live, it would be quite unusual for someone to be a virgin by my age (mid-late twenties). Not unheard of, but surprising.

If this is a religious or cultural thing, I suggest she join a church or group where it's likely to be the assumption that someone unmarried is going to be a virgin--otherwise she is indeed going to be disappointed, either by the lack of virgins or people's unhappiness at being asked right away.

As for those guys who aren't virgins, but want to only date/marry virgins, they can just stay single...

[Aeris]

I don't know, a real Casanova might not want to invest a lot of time in a woman who is pro-virginity.

I think you may underestimate the appeal to some men of 'obtaining' a pro-virginity girl (i.e., convincing her to get into bed despite her pro virginity stance). Particularly if she herself is a virgin. This is substantially less likely if it comes up over the course of a deepening relationship, but if a guy is asked outright when he first asks a girl out - well, who knows. There are creepers out there who would want nothing more than to get the badge for that particular achievement.

[Cami]

I don't know, a real Casanova might not want to invest a lot of time in a woman who is pro-virginity.

I think you may underestimate the appeal to some men of 'obtaining' a pro-virginity girl (i.e., convincing her to get into bed despite her pro virginity stance). Particularly if she herself is a virgin. This is substantially less likely if it comes up over the course of a deepening relationship, but if a guy is asked outright when he first asks a girl out - well, who knows. There are creepers out there who would want nothing more than to get the badge for that particular achievement.

There was a boy in my dd's high school class who fit that description.  He was the football hero, leader of the church youth group, Mr. Relay for Life, etc... and his hobby was "snagging" virgins. He would pick out a girl who'd never had a boyfriend and preferably one who had made a public statement about her virginity, date her, convince her that he had turned over a new leaf for her, bring her (and often her parents) to church as part of his M.O., have sex with the girl and then break up with her the next day via text. It would take him weeks and sometimes months to get what he wanted, but he was patient (and convincing).

What was remarkable was his ability to con and/or the ready supply of virgins ready to relinquish their, shall we say, status to him -- all ready to believe that she was different and his own true love and that sex with her was something special.

[wonderfullyanonymous]

I can see this going very badly for her. IMHO, it would be wholly inappropriate to outright ask someone if they are virginal or not, but asking can be an opening for a not so honest guy to say, "yes, yes I am, and I'm waiting for the perfect (next conquest) to come along."

She should start a relationship with any guy the same way no matter what his preference is.

"I'm a virgin, (if she is) and I plan on staying that way, until I either get married, or meet a guy who I feel deserves that much affection from me."

[cicero]

Is this part of a larger belief system?  I think that if it comes out of a shared religious belief, for example, you'd start of discussing general religious beliefs and then get more specific.  I can understand this to a certain degree.  Another personmight want to date a fellow vegan or something similar.

If there is no ohter belief system of anything else to link this to I don't know how you'd work your way up to it.

i was going to ask the same thing.

if there is a religious or cultural reasoning here.