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Author Topic: Please don't kiss me here.  (Read 6347 times)

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Please don't kiss me here.
« on: June 17, 2012, 02:37:15 PM »
BG: My BF and I have been together 6 months. My moral beliefs are no scrabble and no living together until marriage and he is aware and accepting of this. I am also not a big PDA person. The extent is a kiss at the door or holding hands. End BG.

The first situation happened in a weekly church service where PDA and we were sitting toward the front with BF on my left. A guy friend (GF) came over and said hi and sat down on the other side of me. This is normal and there is no arranged seating. During the gathering people are urged to say hello to those around them before taking a seat again. BF and I mingled for a minute and said his and went back to our seats, but instead of sitting back down in his seat, BF sits between me and GF. Now, I can't tell if he just didn't want to scooch by me or walk all the way around to the other side of the row or if he was being PA about me and GF. GF just sat next to BF and asked BF to hand him his stuff.

The second situation happened at the same place during another Sunday gathering where BF and I were entering just as it started and ended up in the same spot we normally sit in with GF the row of seats behind us with other friends. Same situation where everyone is urged to say hi to those around you. BF turns to me and kisses me. I was too surprised to do anything and just turned to say hi to friends in the row behind.

Now, BF is somewhat socially awkward and not as good at picking up the subtle clues. I think I am too close to the situation to tell if this is just BF being awkward or if he is insecure about GF and being PA instead of just talking to me. I am hoping you all will be able to give me your perspective and help me to find a way to get it across to BF that I don't want him to kiss me like that again. I tend to be blunt and don't want to make it a hug confrontation. To me PA behavior is rude and kissing in church could also be construed as rude depending on how conservative you are.

Note: There is and never has been anything between GF and I. Even if I wasn't with BF, I can't tell you absolutely that GF and I would never get together.

Please, no religious conversations as I don't want this thread to be locked. The only reason I mentioned church is because the location of the second situation is key to why I believe it was rude on BF part.


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Re: Please don't kiss me here.
« Reply #1 on: June 17, 2012, 02:44:20 PM »
I don't think it is rude to chastely kiss your girlfriend in church unless it is absolutely not the culture in that community, the girlfriend has made it clear that she does not want to kiss in public, or it is somehow interrupting the conversation/right in people's faces.  Chastely - as in not super long, not with tongue, and not with wandering hands. 

In this case, if it was really out of character, then it might be that he is worried that even if you aren't interested in your friend, your friend might be interested in you.  I think that you handled it well in the moment to not call attention to it.  You  might want to have a quick conversation about what you are or are not comfortable with as far as showing affection in public.  As far as GF is concerned, I wouldn't accuse your boyfriend of being jealous or insecure, but you could probably say "I wondered at the time if it had something to do with GF being there - but you know I am committed to you and have no interest in him right?"


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Re: Please don't kiss me here.
« Reply #2 on: June 17, 2012, 02:49:20 PM »
Maybe even "you've never done that before, what was different about today?"  If it wasn't GF maybe he saw another couple kiss or there was something else that was a cue.


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Re: Please don't kiss me here.
« Reply #3 on: June 17, 2012, 03:25:24 PM »
Based solely on what you've written, I don't see a connection between the fact that your boyfriend kissed you and the fact that your friend was sitting behind you at the time.  But, of course, I wasn't there.  It could be that your boyfriend said or did other things in that moment that gave you that impression (like turning around and looking pointedly at your friend after the kiss with a "see, she's MINE" smirk on his face).   

I would just tell your boyfriend that you are uncomfortable with him kissing you at church. ( I would be, too)

If you see a pattern of Boyfriend acting possessive whenever your friend is around, I would discuss that with him. That would be a separate issue from the "kissing in church" conversation to me, and I would make it about all men in general, in addition to Friend. 

I don't know if Friend is actually interested in you or not, but I would tell Boyfriend that yes, other men may be attracted to you and might ask you out while you are dating him, but that doesn't matter because you are dating him exclusively (if that's the case).  Explain that it doesn't matter what any other would-be suitors may want, what matters is what You (RiverSong) want. 

For some reason, I think some boyfriends/husbands truly have trouble understanding that. 


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Re: Please don't kiss me here.
« Reply #4 on: June 17, 2012, 03:38:28 PM »
Thanks for the responses. I was having trouble with whether is was just cluelessness or PA behavior but I am just going to go with the suggestion that it is not PA behavior. I think I'll have to sit down with him and let him know that I am not comfortable with PDA and especially not in church.


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Re: Please don't kiss me here.
« Reply #5 on: June 18, 2012, 01:46:44 AM »
I think in his case it may be a sign of insecurity, but not necessarily *bad* insecurity.  e.g. he's not some jealous freak, he's just demonstrating a fairly normal level of possessiveness.  That sounds like a bad word, but I use it for lack of something better - I certainly don't think anybody's partner is their property, but there's a natural sense of belonging and togetherness that is both usual and important in a relationship, IYKWIM.   

Your feelings on the subject are completely valid, and I think your suggestion to talk to him is a good idea.  Ensure you make it about his specific behaviours re PDA, not about the guy friend, as that could turn into a red herring and distract from the problem.   
"Nobody can do everything, but everybody can do something"