Was it rude to say no?

[Kasia_Kiwi]

Oh wise EHellions, I come to you with this quandry. My Sister is on my case about how my Sweetie and I were rude to my Dad and while I disagree, it never hurts to seek a second opinion.

The story:

This past weekend my Sweetie and I were hanging out at my parent's place. Note that we are both in our 20s and have been together for nearly 6 years. So we were sitting at the kitchen table, nibbling on snacks and talking when my dad comes in.

The Eurocup soccer game is starting and he asks that we come watch the opening rituals with him (namely the singing of the national anthems). I say "No, thank you" and turn back to the conversation. He then addresses my Sweetie, asking him to come and watch. Sweetie politely declines. My Dad keeps asking, we keep refusing (I'm getting agitated at this point, it's not my best feature).

Finally, he stomps off and proceeds to turn up the volume for the national anthems. Sweetie talks me down from frustration and I consider the incident over.

Some days later, my Sister informs me that we were wrong to refuse my Dad's request. She tells me he is insulted that I treat my Sweetie better than I treat him (by choosing his company over my Dad's I suppose) and has taken it as a lack of respect for the head of the house.

Sister thinks that Sweetie should defer to my Dad, and do as he asks as a sign of respect. I disagree since I think you should never have to do things based on someone else's hierarchy.

So therein lies my question. Were we rude to my Dad?

[Ceallach]

What an odd situation.  You say it's your "parents place" so does that mean you don't live there?   Based on that, I would say you were a little rude.  It's his house, you're presumably there to see him and your mother, so ignoring him instead and hanging out in another room seems odd.  It wouldn't have killed you to be in the room with him for a few minutes to watch the opening anthems.   If you're not interested in spending time with him, why aren't you hanging out at your own house?   

On the other hand, I think he was also being unreasonable and a little controlling.  I could see my Dad being disappointed if I visited and insisted on staying away instead of joining him in watching *whatever*, but he wouldn't take it as a sign of disrespect, just a sign that I didn't want to watch that sport!   So it sounds to me as though your Dad is feeling a bit sensitive.  Have you spent much time with him lately?  Are you making an effort to maintain the relationship?  It might be worth apologising to him, not because you were rude but because you didn't intend for him to feel bad.  (e.g. you're not saying "I did the wrong thing" you're saying "I'm sorry that I upset you").  Family situations are complex because it's not a traditional "hosting" scenario where they should behave a certain way and you should respond a certain way, there's definite flexibility.  But respecting people's feelings and space is important, and clearly in this case he is upset.  Finding a way to improve that situation could be worthwhile.

[Kasia_Kiwi]

Thanks Ceallach,

To clarify, I still live at home so basically the Sweetie was over. This isn't unusual for us. He spends a lot of time at our house because his parents won't have me over to their house (odd house rules).

I can see how my Dad might think I'm rejecting him in favour of the Sweetie. Being that I live with my Dad I sometimes get insensitive because his presence is the norm and the Sweetie's is outside that space.

I shall consider your words.

[Ceallach]

Thanks Ceallach,

To clarify, I still live at home so basically the Sweetie was over. This isn't unusual for us. He spends a lot of time at our house because his parents won't have me over to their house (odd house rules).

I can see how my Dad might think I'm rejecting him in favour of the Sweetie. Being that I live with my Dad I sometimes get insensitive because his presence is the norm and the Sweetie's is outside that space.

I shall consider your words.

In that case, definitely not rude.  You were entertaining a guest in your own home.  Your Dad was unreasonable to expect you both to go join him and to be offended that you didn't.  It was nice of him to ask you both to join him, but it sounds as though you declined politely, so he should have accepted that.    (But my advice still stands about the relationship in general - although you did absolutely nothing wrong, his over reaction may be a reflection of feeling slighted in some way in general).

[kareng57]

Well, not rude really - but if viewing the singing of the National Anthems was important to him, would it have been that big of a deal for you and Sweetie to watch with him?  It's only a few minutes, really.

While adult children definitely do not have to defer to parents, I think it's sometimes appropriate to participate in some rituals simply because it makes the parents happy - as long as it doesn't inconvenience anyone or cause anyone to compromise their beliefs.

[Mental Magpie]

I do not think you were rude, and while it would have been the nice thing to do to watch it with your dad, it was neither rude nor mean not to.  I am with Ceallach, though, in that your dad feels slighted for whatever the reason.  Don't apologize for being rude, because you weren't; apologize for hurting his feelings.

"Dad, I'm sorry we didn't watch the anthems with you the other day.  We didn't realize it was that important to you."

[TootsNYC]

I think the second time or third time your dad asked, you should have taken the hint and gotten up to go watch the anthems with him. That was a hint that he really wanted your presence and wanted to share that with you.

I think he's right to feel pushed aside, and I think the true apology is, as Dark Magdalena says, to apologize for hurting his feelings.

[SuperMartianRobotGirl]

He sounds jealous. I don't think you're rude. If it's your home too, and you aren't interested in the game, I don't think someone should make you feel obligated to watch with them. Is this something you and he used to do together growing up? It might that he's missing having time with you doing the things you used to do, and you might try giving him some time, just the two of you, a bit so he still gets that closeness with you.

[Sharnita]

was is specifically the anthem he wanted you to watch?  was this about that  more than him?

[Kasia_Kiwi]

was is specifically the anthem he wanted you to watch?  was this about that  more than him?

Yes, he wanted us to "come see the faces of the players and see the ceremony" because it's a historical event or something. I don't like watching sports on TV, never really have, so it's not something we did together (to answer a previous poster).

[Nemesis]

I think the second time or third time your dad asked, you should have taken the hint and gotten up to go watch the anthems with him. That was a hint that he really wanted your presence and wanted to share that with you.

I think he's right to feel pushed aside, and I think the true apology is, as Dark Magdalena says, to apologize for hurting his feelings.

I agree with Toots here. Is there some sort of back-story that we don't know about? I ask because in such a situation, there is no "right" or "wrong". It is more like a "what keeps the relationship healthy" situation. You don't HAVE to do it, but typically if a parent makes a small request like this one, the child normally obliges. This sounds like a typical communication between parent and child, and even if we don't actually want to do it, we normally acquiesce out of love for each other. However, we might not be so obliging if the parent has a history of being a manipulating and controlling individual.

[NyaChan]

You didn't have to go watch it with him, but if your dad came over and asked you to see something that was important to him and had historic significance and your answer was literally "no thanks" I think you were a bit short with him.  Is "no thanks" a perfectly polite response in general? Yes.  But in this situation, it sounds dismissive when there was no need to be.  Strictly speaking you weren't rude, but you would have been far more in the right if you had responded along the lines of "Gee dad, thanks for letting me know that it is on, but to be honest I don't have any interest in it so I am going to pass on it." 

[Kasia_Kiwi]

I think the second time or third time your dad asked, you should have taken the hint and gotten up to go watch the anthems with him. That was a hint that he really wanted your presence and wanted to share that with you.

I think he's right to feel pushed aside, and I think the true apology is, as Dark Magdalena says, to apologize for hurting his feelings.

I agree with Toots here. Is there some sort of back-story that we don't know about? I ask because in such a situation, there is no "right" or "wrong". It is more like a "what keeps the relationship healthy" situation. You don't HAVE to do it, but typically if a parent makes a small request like this one, the child normally obliges. This sounds like a typical communication between parent and child, and even if we don't actually want to do it, we normally acquiesce out of love for each other. However, we might not be so obliging if the parent has a history of being a manipulating and controlling individual.

I didn't think it was relevant to the post but here it is. Dad has a history of demanding obedience and attention. When he is speaking, all must listen. When he wants you, you must come at his call. If I came every time he wanted me to see something on TV I would be circling between my room and the living room all day.

He also pesters. He will bother you with something until your answer matches the one he has already come up with.

There is more to it than this, but that's the very brief overview. I know I'm tetchy whenever he asks something (I've lived with him long enough... 2 more months to my own place).

[Nemesis]

I think the second time or third time your dad asked, you should have taken the hint and gotten up to go watch the anthems with him. That was a hint that he really wanted your presence and wanted to share that with you.

I think he's right to feel pushed aside, and I think the true apology is, as Dark Magdalena says, to apologize for hurting his feelings.

I agree with Toots here. Is there some sort of back-story that we don't know about? I ask because in such a situation, there is no "right" or "wrong". It is more like a "what keeps the relationship healthy" situation. You don't HAVE to do it, but typically if a parent makes a small request like this one, the child normally obliges. This sounds like a typical communication between parent and child, and even if we don't actually want to do it, we normally acquiesce out of love for each other. However, we might not be so obliging if the parent has a history of being a manipulating and controlling individual.

I didn't think it was relevant to the post but here it is. Dad has a history of demanding obedience and attention. When he is speaking, all must listen. When he wants you, you must come at his call. If I came every time he wanted me to see something on TV I would be circling between my room and the living room all day.

He also pesters. He will bother you with something until your answer matches the one he has already come up with.

There is more to it than this, but that's the very brief overview. I know I'm tetchy whenever he asks something (I've lived with him long enough... 2 more months to my own place).

Ah, that changes a lot of things.

You see, you refused because you felt uncomfortable with what he is really asking. If my parent is a control freak, and if he makes such a request - I would probably feel that his request was made to assert control over me. In such a situation, I would give him a polite, but firm "no". Does this describe your situation?

Again, I don't believe that this is a "right" or "wrong" situation. You were polite, but you probably feel bad about saying no (which may explain why you're here). With your explanation, I think it's perfectly fine to say no to his request.

[Bluenomi]

You were fine. You were at home, entertaining a guest so there was no reason for you to go and watch something you didn't want to watch just because your Dad asked you.

Your Dad should have stopped asking after your and your sweetie's polite 'no, thank you'