General Etiquette > Family and Children
Is this child being rude, or standing up for herself?
SuperMartianRobotGirl:
BG: Child (C) is 10. Adult (a) is in her 40s. A had a favorite book when she was a child, and would like C to read it.
So first A asks C if she's read the book. C says she started to read it but didn't like it, so she returned it to the library. A says it was her favorite book. Did C see the movie? C says she saw the movie but it wasn't really her thing. She likes X series of books better. A says she thinks C should give this book another chance and try reading it again. A says she really really loved it. C says she's in the middle of other books and has a lot of books she's been wanting to read, and didn't really like that book, but she thinks it's cool that A liked it so much. A says again that she wants C to read the book so that she and C can discuss it. C finally starts to look agitated, so, as C's mom, I step in and tell A that I have some favorite books I'd like C to enjoy too, but she has her own tastes and doesn't always like what I liked, and I respect that she has her own interests and likes/dislikes. A AGAIN says that this book is different and C HAS to read it. I say no, C doesn't have to read anything she doesn't want to read, and please stop bringing it up.
Then the next day A shows up with - you've got it - a copy of THAT book. She hands the book to C, and C looks at the book, and looks at me, and says, "Uhm, thanks . . ." A starts talking about the book again and how much C will love it and how excited she is to discuss it with C, and then maybe A will rent the movie and she and C can watch it together. C sets the book down and moves onto something else. A says, "Why don't you start reading the book? Why did you just set it down?" C says she started reading that book but didn't like it and doesn't really want to start it again. A says she's being ungrateful, and that when someone gives you a gift you should graciously accept it. C loses it and says if she wanted to read the book, she would have read it in the first place, and to stop trying to force this book on her.
OK so I think I should have gotten involved earlier in that second round, but I was in the kitchen getting some iced tea together for A and was having a bit of trouble keeping up with everything. But A told me C was being rude and wanted me to reprimand her for being rude, and I told her that C wasn't rude, she was just standing up for herself, and A needs to stop trying to foce C to do what she wants all the time. And to drop it about the book or leave, and to take the book with her when she leaves. She said something about her being an adult and C being a child, and I said, "Then behave like an adult and stop picking fights with a 10-year-old."
A is now upset with me.
This is a pattern that has maybe always mildly been there but that has become very pronounced lately. A tries to force C to do something, C is resistant, A tries to force more, C doesn't like that and digs her heels in, A sets up a situation where either C has to give in or appears rude (or A can spin it as C being rude anyway), and then there's a confrontation of some sort. I can't just cut A out of our lives, but I can't let her keep doing this to C. We aren't seeing her much lately anyway and we'll see her even less if this continues. I don't get what A is thinking.
So does anyone here think C was rude? Was my last line to A rude? A seems of the opinion that children should always do as they are told no matter what, and that C having any opinion at all is rude.
How can I better support C in situations like this? Again, I can't just cut A out of our lives. I need a solution where C is not bullied and A has at least some casual contact with us, though I could step down the level of contact yet again. A is getting worse since my latest break with her (we no longer eat meals with her due to her behavior at meals. Some of you might remember that thread, where she was stealing my kids' food off their plates.) It's like A is upset about that and is trying to establish some other control or something. I have considered only seeing A when C is doing something else. That might be my next step.
Shoo:
I think the best way to support your daughter is to keep A away from her, frankly.
lowspark:
--- Quote from: Shoo on June 28, 2012, 10:18:29 AM ---I think the best way to support your daughter is to keep A away from her, frankly.
--- End quote ---
POD.
No, your daughter was not rude. In fact, for a ten year old, she seems to have shown some real maturity and patience with A.
And I don't call what your daughter did "digging her heels in". To me that means when someone deliberately refuses to do something solely because they've been asked to, whereas in this case, your daughter HAD done the thing already, or at least had attempted to, and simply did not want to do it again.
I can't see that your daughter did anything wrong at all.
Judah:
--- Quote from: Shoo on June 28, 2012, 10:18:29 AM ---I think the best way to support your daughter is to keep A away from her, frankly.
--- End quote ---
I agree. Sheesh, how many times does A need to be told that C doesn't want to read the book? C was very patient and not rude at all, even when pushed. I actually think C did quite well against an adult that was trying so hard to control her.
HermioneGranger:
Yep. If she must visit, never let her be alone with your daughter. Have her help you get refreshments, etc., if necessary, or excuse her to go elsewhere in the house while you visit with her.
Evil me would have tucked the book in her purse when she wasn't looking, so that she could take it back with her.
Although, I'm dying to know, what book is it? I love to read, and always have, but would rather eat dirt than read some of the "classics".
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