General Etiquette > Family and Children
Lots of family, lots of "advice"...kind of long
Mental Magpie:
I have a very large family on Dark Mother's side. Nearly all of them will be here for Dark Sister's wedding and the family things we're doing in the days following. Unfortunately, the majority of my family thinks they know everything about anything like to tell people as much. Thanks to another thread, I have my spine prepared for the "not up to my standards" comments; there are other comments I just don't know how to handle simply because I used to be a doormat about them and don't want to be one anymore.
For example, the majority of my family has dogs. There is only one cousin, John, that knows a lot about dogs, so when he offers advice, I listen. He has successfully trained both of his dogs to be hunting dogs; you can tell one of the dogs to go to the left by just saying, "Left," and he will. The way John offers advice is never holier than thou and is never unwarranted. When John offers advice, it is only during a conversation about whatever the problem is. If I said, "I can't get Skeletor to stop pulling on his leash. I've tried A, B, and C, but they just aren't working," John would chime up with, "Well, try D, and when he tugs, do it firmly. He's pulling because of X and this is why D works for that."
The rest of my family, however, gives "advice" whenever they want. Colossus and Banshee are trained enough for me and Dark Boyfriend. The only thing we wish we would have taught them was to come no matter what when they're called. 90% of the time they do, but if something has caught their fancy, off they go and flip us the paw. They were never taught to "stay" because that is not something they need to do for us ("back-up!" is pretty much the same thing as stay for them when we're leaving the house, but otherwise, they don't need it). Well, this just isn't good enough for some family members and they'll let me know that I'm not doing a good enough job out of the blue. "You need to teach your dogs to stay," said in a very you-are-so-stupid-to-have-not-done-that-yet tone. They might as well be telling me I need a hair cut (I'm 24; would you really say that to an other adult? Imagine the tone if an adult said that to you and how you would feel about that; that's what these comments are like to me).
This is only one example of such things said. What I want to know is how I politely respond to these things? I no longer want to just let them slide. I'm making progress with my polite spine and I don't want it to get weak just because family is around, despite what Dark Mother says.
Another example: I have a lot of band t-shirts; they make-up quite a bit of my wardrobe. Most of these bands will be bands the rest of my family has never heard simply because I am the only metalhead/punk rocker (it depends which day it is whether I like metal or punk better, and even somedays I can't decide :D) in the family. Due to the nature of the music to which I listen, plenty of the shirts feature skulls and skeletons of one sort or another. Last time I saw a few of my cousins, one of them felt the need to say to me, "You should wear different shirts. Why not get some like Dark Sister has?" (Dark Sister has a lot of bright colored shirts that fit in with current fashion, as do the rest of my cousins. Dark Sister doesn't necessarily always wear them in current fashion style, but she does muuuuuuch more often than I do.) We were at a dive bar in my hometown in PA. The next night when we went out to a fancy restaurant, I dressed for the occasion. Same cousin said, "There, that's better." I didn't have even a semblance of a spine towards my family then.
When I was about 15 lbs skinnier than I am now, one overweight cousin used to tell me to eat a hamburger. I always replied, "I did, yesterday, had one for lunch. It was delicious." That didn't stop her from repeating it over the course of the next 4 years (present day). Are you getting the pattern yet?
I forgot to mention that this has been going on for years. Two years of my aunt harassing me about my mohawk, and she still brings it up sometimes; four years of my cousin telling me to eat a hamburger; and nearly a lifetime about the way I dress.
Don't even get me started on me having a mohawk...
artk2002:
"Thank you for your interest." "I'll consider your ideas." (Doesn't mean you have to actually consider them as more than rubbish.) "I like the way I dress." "Why would I want to do that?"
The only way these people can really get to you is if you believe, slightly, that they are right, or at least have the right to an opinion on the topic that's somehow greater than your right. They don't have those rights and you need to convince yourself of that. Visualize these comments flowing away like water off of a duck's back.
Invest in tons and tons of bean dip. "Isn't Dark Sister beautiful? She's just glowing!" "Her fiance looks happy, doesn't he?" Weddings have lots of built-in bean dip. The bride and groom, the location, the food, the other guests.
Hmmmmm:
In all of the instances, the word "why?" is your friend.
them: you need to teach your dog to stay.
you: Why?
them: because all dogs need to know how to stay.
you: Why?
them: well otherwise, they'll follow you every where you go.
you: But that is my expectation and what I want.
them: you need to quit wearing band tshirts.
you: why?
them: because they look inappropriate on someone your age.
you: why do you believe that?
them: because they do
you: very compelling argument. I'll take that under advisement.
Always challenge unsolicited advice. Usually the giver is saying it out of habit and really has no idea why they have that belief.
BarensMom:
"I like it this way. Bean dip?"
Mental Magpie:
--- Quote from: artk2002 on June 28, 2012, 12:49:42 PM ---"Thank you for your interest." "I'll consider your ideas." (Doesn't mean you have to actually consider them as more than rubbish.) "I like the way I dress." "Why would I want to do that?"
The only way these people can really get to you is if you believe, slightly, that they are right, or at least have the right to an opinion on the topic that's somehow greater than your right. They don't have those rights and you need to convince yourself of that. Visualize these comments flowing away like water off of a duck's back.
Invest in tons and tons of bean dip. "Isn't Dark Sister beautiful? She's just glowing!" "Her fiance looks happy, doesn't he?" Weddings have lots of built-in bean dip. The bride and groom, the location, the food, the other guests.
--- End quote ---
The bolded: I don't think it's because I think they have those rights; I think it's because I'm defensive about such matters because I like who I am and I'm tired of people challenging that. I'm a tomboy and I'm okay with that. I love that I can fix things around the house and don't need someone else to do it for me (and I love that Dark Boyfriend lets me :D). I love the t-shirts that I wear, I am confident in my skills in training my dogs, I loved the way my mohawk looked...I just got tired of hearing everyone else's opinions on how that just wasn't good enough, tired of people challenging me for not conforming to their idea of the world. It gets really old really fast; I shouldn't have to justify being who I am. I think that's why I'm defensive about it, but your advice still stands.
I'll get told I'm being rude by saying "Why?" in response to everything, but that I can deal with. "Really? You think I was being rude by questioning why someone felt the need to tell me how to live my life and why it is absolutely any of their business what I wear?"
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