General Etiquette > Family and Children
Lots of family, lots of "advice"...kind of long
heartmug:
--- Quote from: Dark Magdalena on June 28, 2012, 12:43:38 PM ---I have a very large family on Dark Mother's side. Nearly all of them will be here for Dark Sister's wedding and the family things we're doing in the days following. Unfortunately, the majority of my family thinks they know everything about anything like to tell people as much. Thanks to another thread, I have my spine prepared for the "not up to my standards" comments; there are other comments I just don't know how to handle simply because I used to be a doormat about them and don't want to be one anymore.
For example, the majority of my family has dogs. There is only one cousin, John, that knows a lot about dogs, so when he offers advice, I listen. He has successfully trained both of his dogs to be hunting dogs; you can tell one of the dogs to go to the left by just saying, "Left," and he will. The way John offers advice is never holier than thou and is never unwarranted. When John offers advice, it is only during a conversation about whatever the problem is. If I said, "I can't get Skeletor to stop pulling on his leash. I've tried A, B, and C, but they just aren't working," John would chime up with, "Well, try D, and when he tugs, do it firmly. He's pulling because of X and this is why D works for that."
The rest of my family, however, gives "advice" whenever they want. Colossus and Banshee are trained enough for me and Dark Boyfriend. The only thing we wish we would have taught them was to come no matter what when they're called. 90% of the time they do, but if something has caught their fancy, off they go and flip us the paw.
--- End quote ---
lol! "flip us the paw" - I like that. My dog does that if there is a squirrel. Chasing squirrels is way more important than whatever we are saying, in his world.
I agree with those who said 4 years is enough. "Please stop" followed by, if they do not respect your wishes, either walking away from them or a more firmer "I asked you to stop!"
Good luck.
Harriet:
"So you've said, many times... and so I've ignored many times."
In the "bless your heart" vein:
"Oh aunt! [or whoever] You never change! Do you realize you've been giving me that exact same advice for over 4 years and it hasn't changed a thing? Maybe it's time to pick a different battle!"
Your cousin: "Eat a hamburger!"
You: "Get a new line!"
BeagleMommy:
Why don't you and Dark Boyfriend make a game of it?
Cousin: Eat a hamburger.
You: Hey, Dark Boyfriend, mark one in the "hamburger" column. Two more and we get concert tickets!
Aunt: Blah, blah, mohawk.
You: Yay, that gives me five mohawk comments. Hey, Dark Boyfriend, I've gotten another mohawk comment. Let's get ice cream!
Editeer:
Another option is to give responses that force them to acknowledge what they are really doing, or to back off.
Aunt: You look like a skunk, ha ha . . .
You: Aunt, are you realling calling me a skunk/are you really comparing me to a smelly animal?
Cousin: Eat a hamburger.
You: Are you really saying there is something wrong with my body?
In both cases, a likely response is something like "Uh, no, of course I didn't mean that". Then you say, "Well, that's what it sounds like when you call my haircut a skunk/tell me to eat. Please don't say that again." (Optional: Add "It hurts my feelings when you . . .")
Cousin: You should wear different shirts.
You: Are you really criticizing my choices in clothing?
Cousin: Yes, I am! You should wear bright colors!
You: I'm happy with the way I dress. Please don't criticize my taste any more.
With the dogs, this kind of response wouldn't be a good idea, because it could generate the following dialogue:
Relative: You need to teach your dogs to stay.
You: Are you really criticizing my dogs/dog training?
Realtive: YES! They should do x, y, z.
Instead:
Relative: You need to teach your dogs to stay.
You: Dark Boyfriend and I are satisfied with their training and behavior.
Relative: Well, you should teach them x,y,z!
You: We're satisfied with our dogs.
Relative: But they don't stay!
You: They live here, and we are happy with them. Please don't criticize my animals' upbringing again.
LadyL:
I have been both the black sheep of my family (when I dressed visibly goth on a daily basis and was a borderline juvenile delinquent) and a bit of a golden child (now that I make somewhat more conventionally well regarded choices and look slightly more normal). The best advice I can give is to project an air of total nonchalance and confidence. When you go in expecting confrontation and conflict, the defensiveness really shows and you get what you expect (self fulfilling prophecy). When I was in college I still dressed goth and had facial piercings but I was also happily with my life, getting good grades, successful at my on campus job, etc. and my family responded totally differently to me. It was like they could sense that I was not vulnerable or someone who they could pick on. They heard I was doing well and they seemed to revise their opinion of me accordingly.
Now years later I am still a weirdo - I showed up to the last family party with a full "tattoo sleeve" (it was henna, so temporary, but they didn't know that till I told them) and almost everyone was grabbing it and saying how awesome it was, complimenting my vintage dress, that sort of thing. I stopped caring years ago what anyone thinks of me except me (and maybe the people who sign my paycheck, but only a little bit).
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