General Etiquette > Family and Children
Lots of family, lots of "advice"...kind of long
artk2002:
--- Quote from: Dark Magdalena on June 28, 2012, 01:00:50 PM ---
--- Quote from: artk2002 on June 28, 2012, 12:49:42 PM ---"Thank you for your interest." "I'll consider your ideas." (Doesn't mean you have to actually consider them as more than rubbish.) "I like the way I dress." "Why would I want to do that?"
The only way these people can really get to you is if you believe, slightly, that they are right, or at least have the right to an opinion on the topic that's somehow greater than your right. They don't have those rights and you need to convince yourself of that. Visualize these comments flowing away like water off of a duck's back.
Invest in tons and tons of bean dip. "Isn't Dark Sister beautiful? She's just glowing!" "Her fiance looks happy, doesn't he?" Weddings have lots of built-in bean dip. The bride and groom, the location, the food, the other guests.
--- End quote ---
The bolded: I don't think it's because I think they have those rights; I think it's because I'm defensive about such matters because I like who I am and I'm tired of people challenging that. I'm a tomboy and I'm okay with that. I love that I can fix things around the house and don't need someone else to do it for me (and I love that Dark Boyfriend lets me :D). I love the t-shirts that I wear, I am confident in my skills in training my dogs, I loved the way my mohawk looked...I just got tired of hearing everyone else's opinions on how that just wasn't good enough, tired of people challenging me for not conforming to their idea of the world. It gets really old really fast; I shouldn't have to justify being who I am. I think that's why I'm defensive about it, but your advice still stands.
I'll get told I'm being rude by saying "Why?" in response to everything, but that I can deal with. "Really? You think I was being rude by questioning why someone felt the need to tell me how to live my life and why it is absolutely any of their business what I wear?"
--- End quote ---
The point is that the challenges only have effect because you let them. Feeling defensive tells me that you're allowing them a sliver of being "right." If they weren't right, then there would be no need to defend.
Here's another analogy that I've used before. Outside of my (home) office window there's a tree. A squirrel lives in that tree. Whenever it sees one of my cats it goes into hysterics, chittering angrily at the cat. The cat, on the other hand, couldn't care less. Be the cat. Don't give the challengers any more meaning than a chittering squirrel.
Mental Magpie:
--- Quote from: artk2002 on June 28, 2012, 01:11:06 PM ---
--- Quote from: Dark Magdalena on June 28, 2012, 01:00:50 PM ---
--- Quote from: artk2002 on June 28, 2012, 12:49:42 PM ---"Thank you for your interest." "I'll consider your ideas." (Doesn't mean you have to actually consider them as more than rubbish.) "I like the way I dress." "Why would I want to do that?"
The only way these people can really get to you is if you believe, slightly, that they are right, or at least have the right to an opinion on the topic that's somehow greater than your right. They don't have those rights and you need to convince yourself of that. Visualize these comments flowing away like water off of a duck's back.
Invest in tons and tons of bean dip. "Isn't Dark Sister beautiful? She's just glowing!" "Her fiance looks happy, doesn't he?" Weddings have lots of built-in bean dip. The bride and groom, the location, the food, the other guests.
--- End quote ---
The bolded: I don't think it's because I think they have those rights; I think it's because I'm defensive about such matters because I like who I am and I'm tired of people challenging that. I'm a tomboy and I'm okay with that. I love that I can fix things around the house and don't need someone else to do it for me (and I love that Dark Boyfriend lets me :D). I love the t-shirts that I wear, I am confident in my skills in training my dogs, I loved the way my mohawk looked...I just got tired of hearing everyone else's opinions on how that just wasn't good enough, tired of people challenging me for not conforming to their idea of the world. It gets really old really fast; I shouldn't have to justify being who I am. I think that's why I'm defensive about it, but your advice still stands.
I'll get told I'm being rude by saying "Why?" in response to everything, but that I can deal with. "Really? You think I was being rude by questioning why someone felt the need to tell me how to live my life and why it is absolutely any of their business what I wear?"
--- End quote ---
The point is that the challenges only have effect because you let them. Feeling defensive tells me that you're allowing them a sliver of being "right." If they weren't right, then there would be no need to defend.
Here's another analogy that I've used before. Outside of my (home) office window there's a tree. A squirrel lives in that tree. Whenever it sees one of my cats it goes into hysterics, chittering angrily at the cat. The cat, on the other hand, couldn't care less. Be the cat. Don't give the challengers any more meaning than a chittering squirrel.
--- End quote ---
I'm not trying to make excuses, I really just don't understand, so bear with me please for a moment.
In the past, when I didn't have a spine, I'd let them say whatever they wanted to about me; I never really reacted. One aunt liked to call me a skunk when I had a mohawk. My response was only ever, "I like my mohawk." I didn't say it defensively, just plainly and almost cheerfully. In short, she never really got a reaction from me, not the one she was looking for anyway. I let her do that for over two years, never standing up for myself, never telling her how inappropriate that was. Despite never getting the reaction she wanted, she never stopped. I spent over two years constantly annoyed at hearing the same thing over and over, especially when it was a comment on my character/physical appearance. I resent myself for never putting a stop to it and for letting it go on for so long. Over two years and she never stopped. (She still brings it up every now and then).
I want this type of behavior to stop. I don't want to have to hear "eat a hamburger" every time I see my cousin (the 15lbs I've gained back doesn't really change the fact that I'm still thin; it was just when I was 15lbs slimmer that she started the behavior). I tried not letting them get a rise out of me and that really didn't work; they still say these things to me.
What I don't understand is how ignoring them or constantly bean-dipping is going to get them to stop. If this hadn't already been happening for years, I think that may be good advice, but after 4 years of "eat a hamburger", that obviously isn't working.
*It just dawned on me that I didn't explain in my OP just how long this has been happening. I don't know if that will change your minds or not, but I thought I ought to mention it now. I will change my OP, too, to include this.
LeveeWoman:
Why not tell them to stop? Four years of aggravation is enough.
Judah:
--- Quote from: Dark Magdalena on June 28, 2012, 01:24:41 PM ---I'm not trying to make excuses, I really just don't understand, so bear with me please for a moment.
In the past, when I didn't have a spine, I'd let them say whatever they wanted to about me; I never really reacted. One aunt liked to call me a skunk when I had a mohawk. My response was only ever, "I like my mohawk." I didn't say it defensively, just plainly and almost cheerfully. In short, she never really got a reaction from me, not the one she was looking for anyway. I let her do that for over two years, never standing up for myself, never telling her how inappropriate that was. Despite never getting the reaction she wanted, she never stopped. I spent over two years constantly annoyed at hearing the same thing over and over, especially when it was a comment on my character/physical appearance. I resent myself for never putting a stop to it and for letting it go on for so long. Over two years and she never stopped. (She still brings it up every now and then).
I want this type of behavior to stop. I don't want to have to hear "eat a hamburger" every time I see my cousin (the 15lbs I've gained back doesn't really change the fact that I'm still thin; it was just when I was 15lbs slimmer that she started the behavior). I tried not letting them get a rise out of me and that really didn't work; they still say these things to me.
What I don't understand is how ignoring them or constantly bean-dipping is going to get them to stop. If this hadn't already been happening for years, I think that may be good advice, but after 4 years of "eat a hamburger", that obviously isn't working.
*It just dawned on me that I didn't explain in my OP just how long this has been happening. I don't know if that will change your minds or not, but I thought I ought to mention it now. I will change my OP, too, to include this.
--- End quote ---
I think the point is that you can't make them stop anymore than they can make you behave the way they want you to so, stop caring about what they want. You're giving to much weight to other people's opinions. Stop giving it weight and head space.
guihong:
You can't control what anyone else does, but you can control your reaction. And I think "Be the Cat" is going to be up there with "Scritzy's Coke Rule" in Ehell legends.
Get to the place where it doesn't matter if they chitter at you or not, because it really doesn't.
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