Author Topic: We're over it! Is this out of line?  (Read 8647 times)

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SPuck

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Re: We're over it! Is this out of line?
« Reply #30 on: July 05, 2012, 06:13:53 PM »
A little advice:

A friend of mine did something similar several years ago, for the same reasons.  She had 2 sisters , but she was her mother's primary caregiver.  At this point her mother was still independent, but needed my friend for errands and daily phone conversations.  Friend left her sisters contact information, but not her mother.

After friend was about 1/2 through the trip, mother suddenly has to be taken to the hospital.  Her sister refused to contact friend, saying that she and other sister could handle it, which they did.

Weeks later my friend confronted her mother and asked what happened, and mother admitted that she was just feeling sorry for herself and wanted friend to come home.

Moral of the story?  Leave contact information only with someone you trust to contact you only in a true emergency.

Sorry, but I want to thread jack for a moment. Did your friend still act as the primary caregiver or did the nature of the relationship change?

TootsNYC

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Re: We're over it! Is this out of line?
« Reply #31 on: July 05, 2012, 06:44:51 PM »

Yes, BIL is DH's younger brother.  He is, in all ways, the prodigal son.  Doesn't call MIL for a month?  "oh gosh he called today and spent an hour on the phone with me, so thoughtful!" but DH doesn't call her for four days, "I know you're busy but you act like you can't pick up the phone for five minutes."
Doesn't visit for months, but come in for 48hrs as a "surprise" and MIL is tickled.  If we don't invite her out/ over once a week, we are "avoiding" or "excluding".  :o
 

I think you ought to take a lesson from BIL!! He's got this figured out.

Akka

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Re: We're over it! Is this out of line?
« Reply #32 on: July 05, 2012, 07:29:27 PM »
Jimmy Buffett!!!  Love, love, love it.  I also really love all the suggestions and words of encouragement.  I like the idea of an odd/even years trade off with one holiday spent with family and the other spent alone.  To answer a few questions:

Yes, BIL is DH's younger brother.  He is, in all ways, the prodigal son.  Doesn't call MIL for a month?  "oh gosh he called today and spent an hour on the phone with me, so thoughtful!" but DH doesn't call her for four days, "I know you're busy but you act like you can't pick up the phone for five minutes."
Doesn't visit for months, but come in for 48hrs as a "surprise" and MIL is tickled.  If we don't invite her out/ over once a week, we are "avoiding" or "excluding".  :o
 
Obvs, MIL has more than holiday issues! 

For our Christmas vacation, we are still deciding.  We have narrowed our choices to Tulum and Greece (Mykonos).

Oh you will love Mykonos, it is one of the most beautifull islands of Greece... but don't come in Christmas... it is winter here too, and everything will be closed done and it will be cold and windy! Best time for it is the last week of August / first week of September IMHO.

HonorH

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Re: We're over it! Is this out of line?
« Reply #33 on: July 05, 2012, 09:09:48 PM »
When they get snippy with you, explain, "We've tried all kinds of compromises to spend time with both families. All it's gotten us so far is a lot of grief from one side, the other, or both. Since we can't please you, we're going to please ourselves."
William wondered why he always disliked people who said "no offense meant." Maybe it was because they found it easier to say "no offense meant" than actually to refrain from giving offense.

--Terry Pratchett, The Truth

artk2002

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Re: We're over it! Is this out of line?
« Reply #34 on: July 05, 2012, 09:35:20 PM »
When they get snippy with you, explain, "We've tried all kinds of compromises to spend time with both families. All it's gotten us so far is a lot of grief from one side, the other, or both. Since we can't please you, we're going to please ourselves."

Bingo!
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bow lines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. -Mark Twain

JeanFromBNA

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Re: We're over it! Is this out of line?
« Reply #35 on: July 05, 2012, 11:27:35 PM »
Jimmy Buffett!!!  Love, love, love it.  I also really love all the suggestions and words of encouragement.  I like the idea of an odd/even years trade off with one holiday spent with family and the other spent alone.  To answer a few questions:

Yes, BIL is DH's younger brother.  He is, in all ways, the prodigal son.  Doesn't call MIL for a month?  "oh gosh he called today and spent an hour on the phone with me, so thoughtful!" but DH doesn't call her for four days, "I know you're busy but you act like you can't pick up the phone for five minutes."
Doesn't visit for months, but come in for 48hrs as a "surprise" and MIL is tickled.  If we don't invite her out/ over once a week, we are "avoiding" or "excluding".  :o
 
Obvs, MIL has more than holiday issues! 

For our Christmas vacation, we are still deciding.  We have narrowed our choices to Tulum and Greece (Mykonos).

Tulum is great.  Stayed on Isla Mujeres when I was younger.  Loved that too.  It was laid back then.  Hope it still is. 

Here's the other part (if you want to use it) you are looking for a good place for a family warm weather vacation, where everyone can come along.  So the next time they start pushing and pulling, ask them to come with.  You might get some surprising converts.  You know, "Changes in latitudes, changes in attitudes."

goldilocks

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Re: We're over it! Is this out of line?
« Reply #36 on: July 06, 2012, 11:15:45 AM »
A little advice:

A friend of mine did something similar several years ago, for the same reasons.  She had 2 sisters , but she was her mother's primary caregiver.  At this point her mother was still independent, but needed my friend for errands and daily phone conversations.  Friend left her sisters contact information, but not her mother.

After friend was about 1/2 through the trip, mother suddenly has to be taken to the hospital.  Her sister refused to contact friend, saying that she and other sister could handle it, which they did.

Weeks later my friend confronted her mother and asked what happened, and mother admitted that she was just feeling sorry for herself and wanted friend to come home.

Moral of the story?  Leave contact information only with someone you trust to contact you only in a true emergency.

Sorry, but I want to thread jack for a moment. Did your friend still act as the primary caregiver or did the nature of the relationship change?


No friend was still primary caregiver - her sisters never did really step up to the plate after this.  Friend is not the type to be guilted into anything however, she still went on vacations and made her sisters take over when she did so, and told her mother to just deal with it, it's only a week for goodness sakes. 

lmyrs

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Re: We're over it! Is this out of line?
« Reply #37 on: July 06, 2012, 11:56:24 AM »
DH and I are the childless couple in our families and we spent years running all over this province and the next for Christmas. We did go to visiting one my family one year and his family the next. It worked well until a one spectacularly stressful Christmas spent chasing after unparented nephews and having a fight with SIL over something so stupid it would blow your mind. So, now DH and I do one year with my family, one year with his family, one year in the Carribbean at an Adults Only resort. Sheer bliss. Not everyone was very happy with us but it was the bwst thing we ever did. I'd highly recommend it. And, it makes everyone a little more appreciative of us. If we treat our time like it's valuable, they start to agree.

Eden

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Re: We're over it! Is this out of line?
« Reply #38 on: July 09, 2012, 10:14:40 AM »
I'll join the chorus of good for you for putting your relationship first. Maybe this will be a good lesson for them. Maybe not.

I'm with you on viewing myself and my husband as a family unit regardless of the fact that we don't have kids. That attitude has helped us so much over the years.

We also refuse to run ragged for holidays and, even though all our parents live in the same city as us, we split up holidays so we can relax and enjoy an entire day instead of running from one place to another.

VltGrantham

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Re: We're over it! Is this out of line?
« Reply #39 on: July 09, 2012, 11:59:19 AM »
If it makes you feel better, DH and I have maintained that our marriage comes first, above all else, even our daughter whom we struggled very hard and very long to have.  Most people in our family are aghast at the fact that we take an annual vacation without her because having her was such an uphill battle.  Very few seem to grasp that the very best gift we can give her is a loving and lasting marriage.

Regardless of whether you have children or not, your first priority is your husband and marriage.  Honestly, I'd have a talk with the dissenting parties and let them know, now, that either the complaining will stop or you will spend your holidays at your home, alone.  Once you make and follow through on that ultimatum, you may have one or two holidays you enjoy alone, but usually the complainers/whiners fall into line.

Even though all of our family is in reasonable driving time of each other (less than an hour) we still split the holidays and change them every year.  Christmas with one set of family, Thanksgiving with the other and the next year we flip.  My Dad has recently decided that he does not like my in-laws and will not spend time with them--thus he spends most holidays alone because even though I don't like them either and tensions between us and them are strained, we still have them over.  It's too bad if my Dad can't deal with them once or twice a year.

BeagleMommy

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Re: We're over it! Is this out of line?
« Reply #40 on: July 09, 2012, 12:46:21 PM »
OP, I think you're doing fine.  The relatives have a choice - go along with the plan or die mad.  Just because you and your DH have no children doesn't mean you aren't a family.  You are a family of two.