General Etiquette > Family and Children

Handling MIL's monologues; graceful interruptions? Other ideas?

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GratefulMaria:
Background:  We're walking the fine line with toxic MIL, who lives about a half-hour away.  DH is an only child, she's alienated almost everyone else in her life, and frankly we'd feel terrible if she lost us.  We've taken care of the mental health aspects of our relationship with her, know we can't change her but have found ways to keep our lives healthy, and are doing all we can to support and protect our adult children.  At this point, we only see her when our sons aren't around, and that's become Thanksgiving and maybe one or two other times a year for a couple / few hours.  End background.

MIL speaks at length, in monologues.  Sometimes from written material, passing out copies to each of us in attendance, but sometimes just in what's usually a casual setting.  DH and I can handle it when it's just her and us, because we know she doesn't have someone else to hear her out, but it gets really tough at a gathering with anyone else.  And that's where eHell comes in, I hope!  Last Thanksgiving, MIL held the floor for the entire meal -- her entire time at our home, actually.  It was just DH and myself, my mother, and MIL.  None of the rest of us had a chance to say a word.  I'm looking for suggestions for civilized interjections I can try next time.  Would it be rude to say something like, "Mom, I want to hear more in a few minutes.  Let me tell you the latest about such-and-such, though?"  Other coping methods that have occurred to us include inviting my mother an hour or two earlier so we get a chance to chat.

This feels terribly disorganized, so please ask for any clarification.  I don't even know if there's a way to salvage the situation (and we have tried compassionate honesty; she feels it's our responsibility to accommodate her.  Making things go smoothly is entirely up to us).  Thank you for any advice and opinions!

SamiHami:
Seriously? She shows up, complete with handouts to give out? Yikes.

Time for your DH to have a serious talk with her before she visits next time. He needs to explain to her that others would like to have a chance to enjoy the holiay meals and relaxed coversation, and therefore her monologues must stop. Perhaps you can designate a time for her to speak about things she thinks are important. If she does start up, I would let her go for a few minutes, but would at some point interrupt and say, "MIL, that's all very interesting and we'd like to hear more about that later. Let's spend the rest of this holiday meal catching up. Mom, what have you been up to lately?"

It's going to take some retraining, but if you are consistent you should be able to get her to curb her behavior somewhat.

Good luck!

Giggity:
Jeez, this one's so far beyond me I will admit I'm only posting to see what other people have to say.

GratefulMaria:

--- Quote from: SamiHami on June 29, 2012, 02:29:58 PM ---Seriously? She shows up, complete with handouts to give out? Yikes.

Time for your DH to have a serious talk with her before she visits next time. He needs to explain to her that others would like to have a chance to enjoy the holiay meals and relaxed coversation, and therefore her monologues must stop. Perhaps you can designate a time for her to speak about things she thinks are important. If she does start up, I would let her go for a few minutes, but would at some point interrupt and say, "MIL, that's all very interesting and we'd like to hear more about that later. Let's spend the rest of this holiday meal catching up. Mom, what have you been up to lately?"

It's going to take some retraining, but if you are consistent you should be able to get her to curb her behavior somewhat.

Good luck!

--- End quote ---

DH has raised this to her in clear and considerate ways -- he rehearsed or had me proofread emails!  Her response is that it's his role in the family to make sure we all have a close involvement with her.  She's not interested in improving the situation for others; she's terribly lonely and interested only in getting airtime.  That's how we got to the point where we need techniques.  I absolutely love your suggestion in quotes!  I'm going to make up index cards for DH!

SuperMartianRobotGirl:
Well it's nice to know that my family doesn't have a monopoly on crazy.

Have you tried being direct? She hands you her lecture notes and you say, "Mom, we aren't going to be able to go through everything on your list with you today. Everyone else would like to contribute to the conversation too." And when she gets going, say, "Mom, we'd all like a chance to contribute to the conversation. Thanks for giving other people a turn." And then just talk about something else. Directness isn't necessarily impolite. The impolite (but tempting) thing to do would be to walk out of the room when she gets going, and when she says something say, "I'm going into the other room so I can listen to someone else talk for a while."

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