Caller ID vs. personal identification UPDATE, pg. 2

[pinkflamingo]

Earlier this week, I went on a first date with a guy. It went well and he said he would call me for a second date, which he did last night. I thought it was kind of an odd call because he never identified himself--he just expected me to know who it was. Now, this was probably a logical assumption since we had been communicating via cell phone before our date, but I still found it strange. Thus, I have questions:

1. Was it rude of him not to identify himself, considering that he could reasonably expect me to know who was calling before I answered the phone?

2. Am I overreacting to find this very off-putting? This has tempered my initial good impression of him.

3. Assuming that I do go out with him again, how might I politely address this issue with him?

[MrsJWine]

I don't know anyone who doesn't have caller ID in some form nowadays. I don't think I ever identify myself anymore when I call someone I know. If it bugs you, it bugs you, but try not to chalk it up to a personality defect if you otherwise like the guy.

[WillyNilly]

If you have previously spoken with him via cell and he knows it, then he has every reason to believe when calling your cell your screen tells you who is calling.

You are entitled to be put off by anything when it comes to dating.  His arm hair could be weird and you don't want a second date.  He could breathe too loudly.  he could spell his name strangely.  In dating its all fair game.

But the fact is, you did seem to know who it was who was calling... so what exactly was the issue? Did he previously identify himself?  Was this just too familiar after 1 date? 

[TurtleDove]

I agree with the previous posters.  You can not date him again for any reason or for no reason at all, but IMHO this would be a silly reason. 

[jedikaiti]

I concur with all of the above - does he normally ID himself when he calls? Maybe he just had a brain fart. But all's fair in love and war. You can decline a second date for any reason you like, including failing to ID himself when he calls, or you don't like the brand of nose hair trimmer he uses.

[O'Dell]

Many many moons ago, pre-caller ID, yes he would have been rude to not identify himself. But even then people would sometimes slip up and not do it. As long as they didn't cop an attitude when asked who they were, I don't think it was seen as that big a deal. If they had a habit of expecting you to know or they acted offended that you asked, that definitely said something about their manners and disposition.

Now, with caller ID and especially when someone has spoken with you before, I don't see it as a big deal. It's a formality that I continue to observe, but I can't even tell you which of my friends identify themselves.

Is it possible that it's echoing some other behavior of his that you haven't quite pinpointed? If it's just this one thing, it shouldn't be that off-putting.

[Outdoor Girl]

I don't know anyone who doesn't have caller ID in some form nowadays. I don't think I ever identify myself anymore when I call someone I know. If it bugs you, it bugs you, but try not to chalk it up to a personality defect if you otherwise like the guy.

You do now.  I don't have caller ID on my home phone and almost no one has my cell number because it is a work one.

It would bug me, too, but not enough to not go on another date if this was the only thing bugging me.  I think I'd just say, 'Hey, when you call me?  Could you say 'Hi, it's John'?  I'd really appreciate it!'

[Xandraea]

I don't know anyone who doesn't have caller ID in some form nowadays. I don't think I ever identify myself anymore when I call someone I know. If it bugs you, it bugs you, but try not to chalk it up to a personality defect if you otherwise like the guy.

You do now.  I don't have caller ID on my home phone and almost no one has my cell number because it is a work one.

It would bug me, too, but not enough to not go on another date if this was the only thing bugging me.  I think I'd just say, 'Hey, when you call me?  Could you say 'Hi, it's John'?  I'd really appreciate it!'

This right here!  If he agrees this is not an out-of-line request and, going forward, verbally identifies himself, problem solved!

I still say "Hi, it's (Xandraea)", when I call my best friend, even though we see each other on caller i.d.  Ever known someone to borrow a phone, then fail to identify themselves when calling from the unknown number? It makes for a confusing conversation.  Texts are even worse.  I got a text one day asking, "Want to do lunch tomorrow?"  I texted back, "Who is this?", and it turned out my aunt didn't realize I didn't have her cel phone number in my phone yet, so didn't recognize the number on its own. We had a good laugh over that.

[pinkflamingo]

Thanks for all the replies!

Yes, I think it did bug me because it seemed too familiar. The only other people I know who don't identify themselves when calling me are my immediate family members.

It's been a busy week, which I think made me a little short-tempered. Honestly, it's not that big of a deal and everyone is correct that I need to put this in perspective.

[Raintree]

I don't think it would bother me. You said you'd been communicating using cell phones, which seems to me to imply more than just a call or two, but rather a back-and-forth exchange. Especially if you have been texting, I might even assume you've entered his name into your phone already.

If it bothers you though, I'd just ask him casually to identify himself when he calls, as you don't always look at caller ID. I'd say though that if this is the only thing about him in an otherwise great guy, don't let it bother you!!

[MrTango]

I don't think it's necessarily rude for him to assume you know who is calling, but to refuse to identify himself after your first request would be rude.

If someone calls and refuses to tell me who they are the first time I ask, I say something along the lines of "He isn't interested.  Goodbye."

[Daydream]

I would also be put-off by this.  If I liked him enough to go on a second date, the next time he called, I might pause and say "Is this Ted?"   When he says "yes," I'd laughingly say, " Oh, good!  Tell me next time, though, so I don't think you're my cousin Tim or my friend Bob, or something.  That could be embarrassing, haha.  How was your day?"

I''ve never liked for a guy to be overly familiar early on in the dating process.  Plus, some people aren't even good at recognizing the voices of people they've known for years.  He'd have no way of knowing if I was good at that or not. 
 
I am not a "cool" cell phone user -- I don't text and don't add people's phone numbers to my cell address book immediately upon meeting them, etc.  I have the phone for the convenience of making short "I'm on my way.  Want me to pick anything up?" type phone calls when out.   Usually, the only people I give the number to are those I'd want to be able to contact me when I'm out, which is very few people.  And If I've entered your name and number, it's because you're of some importance to me.

If I want to have a longer or getting-to-know-you type of conversation without lots of, "I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you.  Could you repeat that?  There's static.  Are you still there? Hello?" and so on,  I call from my home phone.  And even then, if the person I'm calling only has a cell, I still often have to go through that.   

Lately, I've been trying to convince myself that sometimes it's better for someone you don't know well yet to have your cell phone number rather than the home number.   But, I really don't want someone I barely know calling while I'm in the grocery store or at work, etc.

So, even though I have begun to give the cell number out sometimes, after just a few phone calls and one date with a guy, his name and number would not be programmed into my phone.  It would just come up as "wireless caller xxx- xxx-xxxx"  if he called from a cell phone. 

[SleepyKitty]

It would just come up as "wireless caller xxx- xxx-xxxx"  if he called from a cell phone. 

This is how numbers come up on my cell phone as well, both when I used Verizon and now that I am with Sprint. My caller ID doesn't give me a name, just a number. If I get enough calls from a certain number, I'll take the time to add it to my contacts with the person's name. I don't add number to my contacts list unless I know it's someone I'll be speaking with often/repeatedly, since I hate having to scroll through a ton of contacts that I never use to get to the one for my sister or something. I guess my point is that just because I have caller ID doesn't mean that I get a name for who is calling. I would prefer if people identified themselves when they called, but at the same time it doesn't bother me if they don't. A simple "Who is this?" should solve the problem.

[sarahj21]

If I get enough calls from a certain number, I'll take the time to add it to my contacts with the person's name. I don't add number to my contacts list unless I know it's someone I'll be speaking with often/repeatedly, since I hate having to scroll through a ton of contacts that I never use to get to the one for my sister or something.

But how do you call people if you don't save their number? Do you keep a list of numbers in an address book or diary that you always carry with you? Sorry if I'm coming off a bit sarcastic/weird. I have everyone's number in my cell phone so I can call them easily/quickly if I need to. Also I like to know who's calling so I can decide whether or not to take a call.

To the OP, if he's calling your cell phone, and he's given you his number, I don't think he has to identify himself. It should come up on the screen. If he's calling a landline, he needs to identify himself every time. For my landline, we have 8 phones around the house. Each has its own list of contacts. So my friends' names don't show up on the living room phone, but they do on the phone in my room. I go by this rule as well. If I call a landline, I assume my friend isn't the one answering. I say who I am and who I wish to speak to. For their mobile, I only identify myself on the first call and assume that as we are now friends, they'll save my number.

Full disclosure: I'm 25 and my friends all have smartphones, and they live with parents or housemates who I'm not acquainted with.

[SleepyKitty]

If I get enough calls from a certain number, I'll take the time to add it to my contacts with the person's name. I don't add number to my contacts list unless I know it's someone I'll be speaking with often/repeatedly, since I hate having to scroll through a ton of contacts that I never use to get to the one for my sister or something.

But how do you call people if you don't save their number? Do you keep a list of numbers in an address book or diary that you always carry with you? Sorry if I'm coming off a bit sarcastic/weird. I have everyone's number in my cell phone so I can call them easily/quickly if I need to. Also I like to know who's calling so I can decide whether or not to take a call.

Actually, I laughed a bit because your comment made me go - hmm, how do I do that, and think about the situation a little further. I guess in my situation, I don't really get the numbers of individuals (acquaintances, friends, etc) until I already know them and know that I want their contact info. It's one of those circular things where, if I don't have your number, I probably don't want to talk to you. Or on the other hand, I'm contacted by so few people whose numbers aren't connected with a name in my phone that I would just kind of know who they were - "Hmm, a strange number? Who would be calling me? Must be John."

In the OP's situation, I probably still would not put a man's name into my contact lists until after the second date had gone well, since a first date is still part of the getting-to-know-you phase.