Slight update #13 & #20, FB - Everyone's invited but me... awkward...

[GlindaBunny]

(((virtual hugs)))

I don't have any advice, but I hope they don't exclude you again, whether it was deliberate or not.  It hurts. 

[elephantschild]

Hugs from me too. That stinks no matter what caused it.

As far as invitations dwindling due to declines ... well, that happened to DH. He has (had?) this immense pack of very close friends ... most of them since elementary school, or at least high school. (DH is now in his early 40s.) We used to go out with them a lot. However, over the past eight years or so:

DH and I had son No. 1, who has a disability. Cue lots and lots of doctor and therapy appointments.
I went back to work full time when we had to start worrying about DH's job.
DH lost his job; eventually found a new one working all nights for much less money. That means I had to keep my full-time job working days, really curtailing our schedule.
We had DS No. 2.

Obviously, over these years, we really had to cut back on seeing people.   We really wanted to see them, but we didn't have much time, or money, and had to respond in the negative to invitations.

So perhaps I understand why the invitations dried up, but the fact was, it hurt.   We really didn't want to see people. And there were times when we might have been able to make something happen. But we didn't get the chance.

One of the DH's oldest friends was back in town one weekend ... something that rarely happens. DH would have loved to see him, and I would have moved heaven and earth to get him to any function where Friend would be. But we didn't get the chance. DH only found out about it a week after that fact in an offhand mention from another friend that he happened to run into at the grocery store.

He's still heartbroken about that.   

[greencat]

It hurts to be dropped off the invite list, and it sucks, but remember that we also advise people who want to gently end friendships to constantly refuse invites with the excuse that they are too busy.  The implicit expectation is that invites being constantly turned down means that you don't want to receive them anymore.  Besides, events may have a limited body count due to venue, and I'd stop holding a space for people who could never come.

[KenveeB]

I think that when you're in the position of constantly declining invitations, you have to show that you still want to socialize by offering invitations or planning things yourself. I have a weird schedule sometimes and can't make a lot of stuff my friends plan, so I make a point of occasionally hosting a party or asking someone out to lunch or suggesting a movie night. That way, even if my friends can't make everything either, they still know that I am interested in socializing with them and keep inviting me to their stuff. Otherwise, how are they supposed to know the difference between "I'm too busy to go out" and "geez, leave me alone already, I don't want to go out with you"?

[LifeOnPluto]

So today I was forwarded an e-mail from a co-worker, Shelly.  Today is her birthday and apparently there was an e-mail chain going that I was not included in regarding going out to celebrate Shelly's birthday.  Shelly forwarded it to me and said she was sorry I wasn't included in the e-mail and that she wasn't the one that initiated it but that I was invited.  So this seems kind of suspicious since it's just after having not been invited to X this past weekend with the group.  I noticed Shelly was not in the picture or tagged in it from this past weekend, so she may not have been invited either.  Or maybe she was but declined, who knows.  Anyways, I unfortunately had to legitimately decline because I have classes until 9:30pm tonight after work, but I wished her a happy birthday.  I also said that I'd love for us to go to X (the place they are going for her birthday) for happy hour sometime in the future as it's a place I'd really love to try.

That really sucks. The only thing I can think of is perhaps they started discussing Shelly's birthday at the Other Event, and decided to contine the discussion via email at work. And because you weren't at Other Event, they didn't think to include you on the email list (or felt awkward about including you, as you weren't present during the original discussion at Other Event)?

[s]

So today I was forwarded an e-mail from a co-worker, Shelly.  Today is her birthday and apparently there was an e-mail chain going that I was not included in regarding going out to celebrate Shelly's birthday.  Shelly forwarded it to me and said she was sorry I wasn't included in the e-mail and that she wasn't the one that initiated it but that I was invited.  So this seems kind of suspicious since it's just after having not been invited to X this past weekend with the group.  I noticed Shelly was not in the picture or tagged in it from this past weekend, so she may not have been invited either.  Or maybe she was but declined, who knows.  Anyways, I unfortunately had to legitimately decline because I have classes until 9:30pm tonight after work, but I wished her a happy birthday.  I also said that I'd love for us to go to X (the place they are going for her birthday) for happy hour sometime in the future as it's a place I'd really love to try.

That really sucks. The only thing I can think of is perhaps they started discussing Shelly's birthday at the Other Event, and decided to contine the discussion via email at work. And because you weren't at Other Event, they didn't think to include you on the email list (or felt awkward about including you, as you weren't present during the original discussion at Other Event)?

Well the e-mail was initiated by a co-worker that Shelly is BFFs with outside of work.  I see them together all the time and I know she has seen me from when I used to sit near Shelly when we were on the same project.  Shelly's BFF may or may not know my name.  She stopped by my desk a month or so ago to drop off a baby announcement for Shelly, however, I'm guessing Shelly told BFF who she wanted to have those delivered to and gave BFF the names and then she found out where we sat and delivered them. 

Shelly and her BFF were not in this picture that appeared on facebook.  Again, I don't know if they were invited and declined or just not invited.  Anyways, usually when we have e-mail chains sometimes someone gets accidentally left off and someone will notice and respond to the whole group with the person that was left off CCed and say "Whoops we forgot to include so and so."  Most of the people on the e-mail chain were from the picture on facebook and no one spoke up except Shelly.

I did speak with my one co-worker, we'll call her Janie, that I go out to a club with monthly.  I just happened to be walking by looking for another co-worker and asked her if he was in yesterday.  I meant to wait to see if she reached out or approached me but I fell into my habit of socializing with her and commented on how nice her new hair color looked and was talking about the club we go to.  Things seemed normal unless she's totally faking it.  But I think if she didn't want to talk she would've used some social cues to indicate so or simply say she had to get back to work.  (she usually does that when she's not in a good mood)

I know I totally overanalyze    Anyways, it's really confusing but I guess I'll play it by ear and see what happens in the future...

[Winterlight]

I think that when you're in the position of constantly declining invitations, you have to show that you still want to socialize by offering invitations or planning things yourself. I have a weird schedule sometimes and can't make a lot of stuff my friends plan, so I make a point of occasionally hosting a party or asking someone out to lunch or suggesting a movie night. That way, even if my friends can't make everything either, they still know that I am interested in socializing with them and keep inviting me to their stuff. Otherwise, how are they supposed to know the difference between "I'm too busy to go out" and "geez, leave me alone already, I don't want to go out with you"?

Good point. You might try initiating some events and inviting them, so they know you do want to hang out.