I thought this was grossly insensitive

[O'Dell]

Did J seem uncomfortable? I ask because I desperately needed glasses in middle school and couldn't convince my mother to do anything to help me. I would have welcomed anyone taking it upon themselves to pressure her.

To be honest, I think the people that are assuming J's reaction are being just as insensitive to the feelings that J might be having. If J was showing or voiced discomfort and Pippen mentioned it, then I'd see Grandmother as rude, but without that verification, I suspend judgment.

The rudeness I see is bringing it up in a group discussion...mostly in front of you Pippen. I disagree that your mother should have only spoken to his dad along. At 9yo, I think J's grandmother can talk to him directly or to him and his parents directly. I agree that everyone should be aware and sensitive to J's feelings on the subject and that to me means consulting him as well. At least when it comes to close family members. But that means including J in that conversation and not talking about him if he were not there. If that was going on, then it was rude.

[Bijou]

It's the setting.  I think if it was one on one with grandma, it might not be too bad. Perhaps still embarrassing, but not too bad. That it was brought up in front of his grandparents and aunt, with him put on the spot, would make it more uncomfortable.  Maybe not detrimental to the self esteem, but still very embarrassing and could have been handled better.

Better yet, give the info to the parent on the QT and then back away and let them discuss it with the child, if they wish, but don't let the child know that everyone knows about his poor performance in school. 

[Sharnita]

But keeping it on the QT can make it seem shameful. If dad thought it shouldn't have been mentioned in front of J he could have redirected the conversation.

[Bijou]

But keeping it on the QT can make it seem shameful. If dad thought it shouldn't have been mentioned in front of J he could have redirected the conversation.

I disagree.  It may well be something the child would prefer it be kept between him, his parents and the school, not shared with others.  Leave it up to the people who are responsible for the child to steer him or her in a direction.  Give them the information and let them decide about whether or not it fits.   It is not necessary that the child know that anyone has been discussing this with other people. 

[Sharnita]

But keeping it on the QT can make it seem shameful. If dad thought it shouldn't have been mentioned in front of J he could have redirected the conversation.

I disagree.  It may well be something the child would prefer it be kept between him, his parents and the school, not shared with others.  Leave it up to the people who are responsible for the child to steer him or her in a direction.  Give them the information and let them decide about whether or not it fits.   It is not necessary that the child know that anyone has been discussing this with other people.

How is that more OP's call than his father's?

[Bijou]

But keeping it on the QT can make it seem shameful. If dad thought it shouldn't have been mentioned in front of J he could have redirected the conversation.

I disagree.  It may well be something the child would prefer it be kept between him, his parents and the school, not shared with others.  Leave it up to the people who are responsible for the child to steer him or her in a direction.  Give them the information and let them decide about whether or not it fits.   It is not necessary that the child know that anyone has been discussing this with other people.

How is that more OP's call than his father's?

I don't understand your question.  I am talking about how parent's deal with information pertaining to their children and the fallout. 

I think the OP was right to say something to her mother because sometimes people need to have things pointed out to them and since the child cannot do it, someone should.

You are one of my favorite posters and I can see we each have strong differing opinions about this.  I guess both of our horses are dead and we should quit kicking them. 

[ShanghaiJill]

When I took my son to enroll him in high school, we had to take the city bus.  Hence I found myself sitting at a desk in the corridor, minding my own business, while he did high school stuff.

Another mother was going into the nurse's office to fill out medication forms.  I knew this because I heard her practically shout "HE TAKES RITALIN!"

A decade and a half later, when we discuss parents embarrassing their children, she's sure to be mentioned.

[Judah]

Do we know J was embarrassed? I don't think it's a given that he was.  If he was visibly uncomfortable then going on and on about his problems would have been bad but, if he wasn't then I there is no issue.

[Sharnita]

1) The parents who were actually responsible for J chose to share the information about his struggles with his grandmother.

2) One of these parents apparently chose not to stop Grandma or redirect her when she brought it up.

3) There doesn't seem to be anything beyond conjecture to indicate J was embarrassed.

[Piratelvr1121]

Has it been determined that J does have learning disabilities?  I went back and reread the OP and I guess that's what is striking me as a possibly embarrassing issue, if he hasn't been assessed for it yet, or they hadn't thought of testing him yet.   Not that there's anything wrong with it (I have ADD and middle son has ADHD) but some kids might get embarrassed if everyone knows that learning is more difficult for them than anyone else.

[BabyMama]

Right, it's all in the tone. And, knowing my FIL, he'd already made this statement in front of his grandson. And the neighbors. And the folks at church. And his workmates. This kind of thing should be between the person with the opinion and the parents. It's not everyone's business--not even the subjects', in this case.

[Pippen]

Has it been determined that J does have learning disabilities?  I went back and reread the OP and I guess that's what is striking me as a possibly embarrassing issue, if he hasn't been assessed for it yet, or they hadn't thought of testing him yet.   Not that there's anything wrong with it (I have ADD and middle son has ADHD) but some kids might get embarrassed if everyone knows that learning is more difficult for them than anyone else.

J has had all the tests and assessments. His eyes and ears are fine. He doesn't have any LD's as such he is just struggling with literacy an numeracy for his age. Not totally uncommon in boys. He just needs a lot of support t get him up to a functional level. I won't mention the reasons for this as they are complex and last time my views on the matter did not go down well at all.

He is quiet and sensitive kid. Very socially aware and is popular at school with his peers, just not academically inclined. That is fine. Not everyone can be and it is not the be all and end all. He didn't look happy when the subject was mentioned and he wandered out of view so I don't know if he was still in the room but it seemed clear (to me anyway) he was trying to disengage from the conversation.

One of the reasons I refused to read out the information was it was not well worded. It was not from the child users point of view as in making learning fun, more along the lines of saying if your child is failing in some way they need one of these gadgets. The tone and the message were just off.

I am pretty sure my brother's discussions with mum on the matter were intended to be private and not a matter for open discussion, which is why it really threw me she would bring it up in front of J. She may well have thought 'Oh young boys like gadgets and here is a gadget that I have found for him that will help' That is fine, but there seemed to be no thought to his feelings and now my brother is stuck having to explain he has been talking about his problems at school with other people. Even if the are his grandparents.

[BeagleMommy]

Pippen, J sounds a lot like my DS.  Now I can only go by my experience, but if DH and I talked to DS about his poor performance it was okay.  If the grandparents talked to him it was okay.  However, if we talked about it with anyone else he would get quiet and stare at his feet the whole time.

We made a concerted effort not to discuss his difficulties with many people.  He had been tested for all LD's, he got glasses and his hearing was checked.  He just didn't like school and would day dream.  We got him tutors who helped, but he did end up having to go to summer school.  A counselor actually told me and DH that we were "setting him up for failure" by continually trying to boost his confidence and looking for ways to assist him.

I'd love to show that counselor the letter he got congratulating him on making the dean's list.  Some kids just "bloom" later than others.

[gmatoy]

I just want to say that those people who think that "if the parent's are okay with talking about it, then it is okay" were never humilated by their parents. I'm glad for you; however, not everyone has those parents.