P/A Inlaws

[Tabris]

Passive-Aggressives hate being laughed at. They hate it, hate it, hate it.

When she takes a subtle dig at you, either laugh and cheerfully thank her for the compliment (and come up with a way in which it's a compliment) or else laugh and say, "How could you forget my job title? It's like the easiest thing in the world, and I've been doing it for a year. Should I write it down for you so it will be easier to remember?"

She might escalate, but laughing and taking a PA-insult as a compliment will drive her bonkers and will force her to be outright rude to you. This will mean your husband will have to recognize what's going on, and then he can develop a spine and defend you to them.

MIL: Your jeans are tight. You must be eating well lately!
DIL: you know, I have been! Thank God I live in a country where food is freely available and people don't have to worry about starvation. I saw a horrible documentary on PBS about parents who watch their children starve to death, and it made me cry. So, how about those Red Sox?

Thus, s he escalates:

MIL: But that's no excuse to eat like a pig!
DIL: Oh, were you trying to insult me? I'm terribly sorry for not getting it sooner. Sweetheart, it's time to leave.

And then go. Take the car alone if you have to and return later on to get your husband. Let him enjoy some quality time alone with his parents.

[JudiAU]

For the secretary comment, how about "No no, Mum dear.  I'm an administrator, not a secretary.  You're getting confused again (kind smile).  Poor thing, it's difficult to keep track of things, isn't it?  Have some tea."

Said sweetly, with a straight face.  You want to ruin her fun, not rise to the bait.   

Ho. Ho. I *love* that response. However, if you don't usually respond in kind know that it could up the anty.

In my experience PA people only react/ change behavior when they can't make their comment stick (i.e. the receiver laughs it off) or they get a humourous but PA response (i.e. can't take it themselves). Start with humor first and see how it works.

[ZipTheWonder]

My theory is that p/a responses work because they're so hard to counter. 

Ah!  I think they can actually be easy to counter if you don't buy into them.  The overall idea with negative behavior is that you never give people what they want out of it.  Her MIL wants to give offense and get a rise out of her, so.....  OP either thinks her MIL is being absolutely hilarious and responds to it as though it's, of course, a joke -- the biggest hardy-har-har she's had all day....... or she responds as blandly as possible with the facts "I'm the administrator of a medical practice."

If you want a beautiful dissertation on how to respond to passive agreesion step-by-step (with 8x10 color photographs with circles and arrows on the back....), Tabris posted one a couple of weeks ago. 

[Tabris]

I did?

[ZipTheWonder]

What?  You didn't get your diploma in the mail?   

Yes, a week or two ago, you gave someone what amounted to an Instruction Manual for some specific situations similar to the OP's. 

I don't know how to search for it.  You got the Ph.D., so you'll have to do it.    Ah, here it is, in the fudged up holiday thread, post #23:
http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=913.msg12865#msg12865

[Tabris]

Thanks--I'd totally forgotten about that!

And no, my diploma was being shipped by UPS, so they made five attempts (if you count sitting in the warehouse shouting "TABRIS?!? COMEANDGETIT!!!!!" as an attempt) and it went back to the sender.

[ZipTheWonder]

I have a UPS second-day enveloped labeled "Tabris" sitting on my porch -- could that be yours??  I'm leaving it there to teach the UPS guy that I don't complete his deliveries when he doesn't make mistakes.....

[Slartibartfast]

Passive-Aggressives hate being laughed at. They hate it, hate it, hate it.

When she takes a subtle dig at you, either laugh and cheerfully thank her for the compliment (and come up with a way in which it's a compliment) or else laugh and say, "How could you forget my job title? It's like the easiest thing in the world, and I've been doing it for a year. Should I write it down for you so it will be easier to remember?"

She might escalate, but laughing and taking a PA-insult as a compliment will drive her bonkers and will force her to be outright rude to you. This will mean your husband will have to recognize what's going on, and then he can develop a spine and defend you to them.

MIL: Your jeans are tight. You must be eating well lately!
DIL: you know, I have been! Thank God I live in a country where food is freely available and people don't have to worry about starvation. I saw a horrible documentary on PBS about parents who watch their children starve to death, and it made me cry. So, how about those Red Sox?

Thus, s he escalates:

MIL: But that's no excuse to eat like a pig!
DIL: Oh, were you trying to insult me? I'm terribly sorry for not getting it sooner. Sweetheart, it's time to leave.

And then go. Take the car alone if you have to and return later on to get your husband. Let him enjoy some quality time alone with his parents.

Agreed!  These people are TRYING to hurt your feelings - so saying "It hurts my feelings when you insult my cooking and intentionally call me a secretary" just tells them it's working.  They *want* your feelings to be hurt, so showing it (or telling them directly) is the best way to make this behavior continue.

Instead, if *each and every time* your FIL and MIL say something snarky and PA about you, you say something snarky back, they will learn to cut back on their comments.  When they "forget" about your accomplishments, make some comment about how hard it must be to be getting old.  When they "don't hear" something you say, make a comment about how their hearing must be going.  Find something they don't want to be teased about, and use it.  (Getting old is definitely one of these things, especially since they are a generation older than you are - I'm sure you can think of more!)  The point is to not *say* how much it hurts you when they make these comments, but to show them how it feels to be on the receiving end.

This is definitely *not* a polite response - but etiquette is for when you want to make everyone feel at home and welcome.  In this case, your FIL and MIL have shown they want just the opposite for you - they want you to feel uncomfortable and insecure.  There is no reason you should be obligated to be polite to them.  Ultimately, you'll end up exchanging barbs less, and hopefully call a permanent cease-fire.

Oh, and if your DH notices some of your comments and tries to bring it up, that would be an excellent time to point out all the nasty things his parents are saying to you.  Make him try to argue that it's okay for *them* to say mean things to you, but not for you to "tease" them back.

[Tabris]

These people are TRYING to hurt your feelings - so saying "It hurts my feelings when you insult my cooking and intentionally call me a secretary" just tells them it's working. 

Point! That's why I like a smiling reply of, "Oh! Were you trying to hurt my feelings?" the same way you might say, "Oh! Is this home-made apple pie?" or "Oh! Is that a new haircut?" It expresses surprise that they might be trying to hurt you, tosses the observation out into the open, but also implies that no feelings have been hurt and the PA's are utterly incompetent even at insulting you.

Then leaving afterward is a nice touch.

[ShadesOfGrey]

These people are TRYING to hurt your feelings - so saying "It hurts my feelings when you insult my cooking and intentionally call me a secretary" just tells them it's working. 

Point! That's why I like a smiling reply of, "Oh! Were you trying to hurt my feelings?" the same way you might say, "Oh! Is this home-made apple pie?" or "Oh! Is that a new haircut?" It expresses surprise that they might be trying to hurt you, tosses the observation out into the open, but also implies that no feelings have been hurt and the PA's are utterly incompetent even at insulting you.

But what if her feelings ARE hurt? I definitely dont think she should make herself more vulnerable to them ("I was so hurt and frustrated by...."), but I also think simple, mature honesty is helpful ("I dont appreciate your insuation, please keep them to yourself in the future").  It's the in-laws that are being immature and hurtful.  I think this is one of those situations where she, as an adult woman, needs to express exactly what behavior she finds acceptable and how she will allow herself to be treated.  Call it on the carpet, end it right there. No exception, no caving-in. 

Don't get me wrong, I think sarcastic and even PA responses are hilarious and definitely derive a twisted sense of enjoyment when I hear/see/give a particularly good one, but I think in this case, since it is a behavioral issue and not an overtly b*tchy issue, I think a more constructive approach is called for.  JMHO

[Slartibartfast]

You just have to train them like you'd train a puppy.  What behavior are they doing, and what would motivate them to change it?  If knowing they hurt you would motivate them to change their ways, go for it - but if it would just make them be PA more, do whatever needs to be done.  A puppy doesn't need to know whether you're disciplining it because you're mad (it just peed on your carpet) or you think its antics are funny but know they would be troublesome down the road (jumping around when someone walks in the door).  Your response is the same either way.  (At least in a general sense.)  Similarly, FIL and MIL don't need to know whether your behavior is becuase you're hurt, angry, exasperated, or just want to teach them to stop (figuratively) jumping on people when they walk in the door.

[Tabris]

But what if her feelings ARE hurt?

I'm probably wrong, but when my feelings are hurt is ESPECIALLY the time I don't let the other person see it. If I'm under direct attack, my first defense is going to be to lock up my heart tight, know this person is trying to hurt my feelings, and go utterly blank-faced. I would never willingly give an attacker the satisfaction of seeing he'd managed to get through my defenses.

These aren't people who accidentally hurt the OP's feelings. This is an established pattern of behavior, enough that her husband expects nothing better from them and has given up on them changing their ways. If it was accidental--sure, absolutely tell them they hurt your feelings.

But knowing they are looking for a hurt feeling reaction? Nah-uh. I'd be more inclined to say, "How interesting that you thought you were insulting me, but instead you've just given me another reason to laugh about you behind your backs." Or make them look dumb. Or not react at all and wonder whether they got through to me. (Mostly the last.)

That's just my sense of things. It would be different if the inlaws meant well.

[ShadesOfGrey]

But what if her feelings ARE hurt?

I'm probably wrong, but when my feelings are hurt is ESPECIALLY the time I don't let the other person see it. If I'm under direct attack, my first defense is going to be to lock up my heart tight, know this person is trying to hurt my feelings, and go utterly blank-faced. I would never willingly give an attacker the satisfaction of seeing he'd managed to get through my defenses.

These aren't people who accidentally hurt the OP's feelings. This is an established pattern of behavior, enough that her husband expects nothing better from them and has given up on them changing their ways. If it was accidental--sure, absolutely tell them they hurt your feelings.

But knowing they are looking for a hurt feeling reaction? Nah-uh. I'd be more inclined to say, "How interesting that you thought you were insulting me, but instead you've just given me another reason to laugh about you behind your backs." Or make them look dumb. Or not react at all and wonder whether they got through to me. (Mostly the last.)

That's just my sense of things. It would be different if the inlaws meant well.

Tabris, I wish I could have a mini-you on my shoulder everytime something or someone aggravates me. I love your wit!

I totally understand not wanting to appear vulnerable or share your feelings with someone who actually wants to hurt you.  I just think that building a wall around your feelings isnt always the best way to go either.  Sometimes, yes, it is the best way to go.  I dont think so in this case because it is a pattern of behavior and it sounds like the OP might encounter them often throughout her life.  I feel like she would have to put on a facade to give your type of response because she is actually aggravated inside.  In my opinion, making her respond in any way other than directly addressing the behavior and dismissing it, means they HAVE gotten some sort of rise out of her.  But then again, I could be putting emotions and words into the OP's mouth, for all I know.  I do agree that she should address the PA behavior as such, instead of responding to the comment itself.   

We just have different opinions on how to address it, is all.  I am not trying to be argumentative here, just to present a different point of view to pursue the discussion a little further.  I hope my post makes sense.

[ZipTheWonder]

There is a lot of truth to the idea that people who are ridiculously and intentionally mean need to get some genuine feedback about their behavior.  You're supposed to feel rotten when you hurt people, but if they never let you know they're hurt, you never get the joy of learning from stewing in your own rottenness.

This is equally true if the OP really is hurt by their comments as it is if she thinks they are so much hot air.  Even if you choose not to take offense at hurtful behavior it doesn't change the fact that someone is being hurtful towards you. 

So, I totally agree that she can do more than have a technique to manage each individual scenario.  But, I just don't think the time to do that is in the heat of the moment.  You do it when you feel confident, when it's not possible for it to be reactionary, when you have fully thought through the expectations you have about their treatment of you (and you can fully describe the consequences you'll issue if they continue) and when YOU control the conversation. 

[ShadesOfGrey]

So, I totally agree that she can do more than have a technique to manage each individual scenario.  But, I just don't think the time to do that is in the heat of the moment.  You do it when you feel confident, when it's not possible for it to be reactionary, when you have fully thought through the expectations you have about their treatment of you (and you can fully describe the consequences you'll issue if they continue) and when YOU control the conversation. 

Zip, ITA.

OP - You have some food for thought with all of these responses, I really hope you find the best answer for you.  Let us know how it works out, if you can.