P/A Inlaws

[Tabris]

I feel like she would have to put on a facade to give your type of response because she is actually aggravated inside.  In my opinion, making her respond in any way other than directly addressing the behavior and dismissing it, means they HAVE gotten some sort of rise out of her.

I'd be putting on a facade with that type of response too. I don't actually have a suit of asbestos welded to my body--I only appear to.

The OP is going to have to decide what technique will work best for her, obviously. Either way is going to change the dynamics of the established relationship (ie, in-laws try to hurt her for no apparent reason) and the in-laws are going ot immediately move to re-establish the old pattern. In fact, I would be surprised if the OP's husband didn't also move to re-establish the old pattern as well, because it keeps him in the comfortable position of being the dutiful son who is loyal to his parents.

Once the OP stands up for herself, her husband is going to tell her not to. The in-laws are going to tell her not to. She's going to feel mean and like she should back down--and she emphatically should not! But everyone is going to want things to go back to their natural resting phase, and the idea is to establish a new resting phase where the OP is not being attacked all the time.

Because that's the case, she's going to have to choose a tactic she can live with long-term. All of us are just tossing out ideas. I tend to go for the stone-faced non-response with value-added mockery, but that's ME. You would tend to confront them with their behavior and explain the results of that behavior directly, and that's you.   The OP will have to decide what's her style and go with it--and all the best of luck to her, because it sounds like she'll need it with these people.

BTW, once she stands up for herself and her husband fails to put her back in her role, *he* will invariably feel some pressure to stand up for himself too. This might get interesting in a hurry.

[supernova]

For the OP:  What might help is to practice conversations in your head or on paper or something, to get used to having a response.

Seriously...  write down a list of ten or 20 things they might say/have said repeatedly.

"Goodness.  *My* children never had to have special tutoring."
"Are you sure you really *need* a second helping, dear?"
"Your home certainly looks...  lived in."
"Oh.  That was a very...  interesting meal.  No, FIL and I just weren't hungry." 

And so on, and so on.

Now, think of at least 2 possible responses to each one.

Patiently:  "MIL, remember they 'held back' learning-disabled students then, instead of helping them.  Haven't you been reading the papers?" or
Archly:  "I'm so glad you were fortunate that way.  In *my* family we were all *above* average." (Raised eyebrow)

and so forth.

This will help you get in the habit of thinking of something to say in response.  It helps, too, if you have a specific conversational gambit in mind.  "Oh, MIL, have you forgotten *already* that ..... "  "Oh, FIL, don't you remember?  We told you that .... "

Practice, practice, practice. 

Good luck!  Please feel free to come back here to vent; many of us have had experience dealing with passive-aggressive relatives, and it's even harder for you to deal with without hubby's support.

Hugs,

     - saphie

[CreteGirl]

I used to have a SIL who would make snarky comments on a regular basis.  My husband, stepdaughter and I would play a game among ourselves whenever SIL would come to visit.  We would make a list of all of the snarky comments that we thought she would make, and when she invariably made one, we would keep count, and tally them up at the end of the night to see how many we had guessed correctly that she would say.

Not a great way to deal with snarky comments, but it was entertaining, and she is no longer my SIL, so we don't have to deal with her anymore.

[ZipTheWonder]

"Snark Bingo"  ==>  What a healthy way to deal with it.  Very clever.

If they ever patent Snark Bingo, remember you heard it here first.

[ShadesOfGrey]

Tabris and Starsaphire, I couldnt agree with you more!

Zip,

I think you mean copyright 

[Tagy]

Thank you so much, everyone!

You know, I was starting to think that maybe I was the one with the problem (too thin-skinned, reading into things, etc.), but you've all confirmed that, yep, they're being jerks and, nope, it's okay for me to call them on it.

Regarding the secretary comment; maybe I could ask one of the physicians who work for me to prescribe her some Razadyne to help with her spotty memory! 

[Slartibartfast]

There is a lot of truth to the idea that people who are ridiculously and intentionally mean need to get some genuine feedback about their behavior.  You're supposed to feel rotten when you hurt people, but if they never let you know they're hurt, you never get the joy of learning from stewing in your own rottenness.

This is equally true if the OP really is hurt by their comments as it is if she thinks they are so much hot air.  Even if you choose not to take offense at hurtful behavior it doesn't change the fact that someone is being hurtful towards you. 

So, I totally agree that she can do more than have a technique to manage each individual scenario.  But, I just don't think the time to do that is in the heat of the moment.  You do it when you feel confident, when it's not possible for it to be reactionary, when you have fully thought through the expectations you have about their treatment of you (and you can fully describe the consequences you'll issue if they continue) and when YOU control the conversation. 

This is great - if you actually expect them to improve themselves.  Unfortunately, I don't think these in-laws deserve ANY free self-help support.

[VorFemme]

Regarding the secretary comment; maybe I could ask one of the physicians who work for me to prescribe her some Razadyne to help with her spotty memory! 

Snarky VorFemme looked up from her knitting (think Madame Defarge in The Tale of Two Cities) and suggested that this might be a very good comeback.

"Gee, PA MIL, I'm not a secretary.  But I could mention to one of the doctors that you are having trouble with retaining new information.  Would you want an appointment to be screened for Alzheimer's?  I'm sure that I can get you much sooner than usual - since you're a relative!"

Evil VorFemme had an even nastier suggestion - but one does not usually tell your husband's mother to do THAT - at least not in front of witnesses............