Sensitive or "Used for My Social Skills"

[quietgirl]

Hi all!  I’m a “lurker”, and I enjoy reading the posts and sage wisdom of you all.  I finally have a situation I would like opinions on. Gotta warn you – it’s a long one!

Just for background, in my group of friends the use of evite or email invitations is very common for the parties we have.  The usual notice for a party is about a week, usually early in the same week of a Fri or Sat party.  For those that aren’t familiar, evite is an electronic invitation website that also takes the RSVPs, so that you can easily say “yes/no/maybe” and see who else is coming.

About a week before New Year’s Eve, I decided to have a NYE party at my place since several of my friends wanted to get together but didn’t have a place to congregate.  My place is small.  I can fit a max of 10 people, so we are talking about my nearest & dearest here.  The Tuesday before NYE, I send out the evite.  Now, I never put the word out for a party unless I know that 2 other people are coming.  It’s my “3 makes a party” rule.  In other words, as long as you have 2 other people coming to your party it doesn’t matter if no one else comes – you’ll have a great time regardless.  In my crazy mind it takes the pressure off worrying that the party will be dud.  My friend S is very well aware of my “3 makes a party” rule – we have joked about it on several occasions.

So I send out the evite on Tuesday. As the host you can tell when someone has looked at the invitation.  Several friends called to tell me that they could or couldn’t come, so they didn’t have to go to the evite and RSVP.  By Friday, the evite only showed the “no” responses two people.  All the “yeses” (4) to that point were verbal.

This is the part where I’m not sure if I’m getting too sensitive or if it really is kind of rude.  I consider S a very good friend.  I noticed that S looked at the evite everyday – Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday.  She didn’t respond until Saturday afternoon.  On Sunday, she left a message for me saying that she noticed that no one RSVP’d “yes” so she didn’t think there would be a party.

This upsets me because it seemed that she checked the evite to make sure other people were coming.  Like she wanted to make sure the “fun” people would be there.  It makes me feel like she doesn’t value MY friendship, more that she values the social networking I’ve provided for her.  And I’m hurt.  More background:  I am S’s primary connection to this particular group of friends.  Most of us pursue community work are our career or at least a part-time passion. S doesn’t do any type of community work, either as volunteer or as part of her daily job.  That’s not a bad thing, I’ve never held it against her, just to say that she wouldn’t have met this group of friends any other way.  She has always been very welcomed by the group and has lots in common with everyone anyway.  It’s definitely not a question of S not feeling comfortable or welcome within the group.

What do you think of this?  Was S rude to check on who is coming to the party before she finally made up her mind?  Or am I overly sensitive?

[TZ]

It was rude of S not to RSVP, regardless of who else planned to attend.  If, as you say, you have a strict "3 guest minimum," then I don't see why you feel personally insulted by S holding out.  In this case, she isn't necessarily rejecting you; she could just be waiting to see if there will actually be a party before committing.  This is both rude and misguided on her part, but I don't think you should take it personally.  I guess this is just another problem with evites.  In the future, you should consider using email or the phone, especially since it sounds like most of your friends responded on the phone anyway.

Also, I'm confused about what would have happened if only one person had RSVP'd yes.  Would you have cancelled the party?  If so, it's possible that S was worried about being the only person to say yes, only to have you cancel and leave her without NYE plans.  This doesn't excuse her rudeness, but it's a possible explanation of her behavior.

[quietgirl]

Sorry, guess I wasn't clear.  I only plan a party (ie, send email/evite) if I know at least 2 of my friends can be there.  Which means, when I sent out the evite I already knew that 2 or more other people would be there.  This is specifically to prevent the embarassment of having to cancel a party because no one wants to come, since I'd already know that some guests want to come. 

Anyway, the whole "3's a party" rule came about because our mutual friend A, was afraid that no one exept the three of us would come to one of her parties (A, S & me), and I just said that as long as three of us are there it is a party.  It doesn't matter if no one else shows up!

See?  So it's not that every party has to have 3 people or it's cancelled, it's just that as long as you have 3 people, it's a good party. 

Thanks though that confirming that S was rude- but you're right, this is the problem with evite.  If it had been any other way, the whole thing would be a non-issue.  Sigh.

[TZ]

Ah, now it's clear.  Yep, she's definitely rude.

[MadMadge43]

Ah, the perils of Evite. Had it happen to me, and can't say I haven't done it myself. This is why election results aren't broadcast till the last vote is in.

[ZipTheWonder]

Sort of off-topic:  Could you manually change the guest's responses, so that the people who verbally responded have a "yes" response on your evite?

Being able to see the other RSVP's is a big downside to using Evite -- what you describe is inevitable.

[Mikayla]

Howdy.  I'd just like chime in on the side of the "blame evite" crowd.  I used it one time, ran into a very similar situation, and I've never gone back.  It isn't just the issue of seeing who is coming -- it's also the fact that you can track who has looked at the invite and when they did so!  TMI!

A bit OT, but I read a quote the other day about how we keep developing new technology to facilitate communication, but the unexpected result is we're losing the ability to communicate.

Sage words, indeed!

PS - I do agree that your friend handled it a bit weirdly, but maybe there was another compelling issue (like someone she dislikes being one of 2 guests and wanting to avoid that situation).  If this is the case, though, old fashioned conversation can usually clear that up.

[snowball's chance]

The other problem w/ evite, IMO, is when it's clear the guest invited they're entire address book.  I also had a guy constantly email me after we were on the same evite.  Granted, unwanted emails are better than phone calls, but still I was annoyed.

[Evil Duckie]

Yes, she was rude to see who she thought was coming before she RSVP.

One should RSVP "yes" or "no" based on whether or you want to (or can) attend the party given by the host not on who is planning to attend.

[SPRG_CHIC]

As the Evite sender - you can modify a guest's response... why didn't you update the guest(s) who called you to Yes, No or Maybe?

As for her looking at it - depends - if she could have been deciding if she wanting a smaller celebration or a large crazy one ... I have done that myself it has nothing to do with the friendship rather than do I want to be in a large or small group surrounding.  On the other side - she should have marked herself as a "Maybe" with a general statement of thanking you for the invitation and she is wanting to come but will have to work on her schedule, blah, blah, blah - some type of thanks and recognition is really needed - so bad on her part there.

[quietgirl]

As the Evite sender - you can modify a guest's response... why didn't you update the guest(s) who called you to Yes, No or Maybe?

I guess I really could have done that.  In the future I will, or I might decide to just forgo the whole evite thing and avoid the issue all together!

Thank you all for your response.  I feels good to be validated.  My conclusion is, sure perhaps she was a little rude, but I am being waaay too sensitive.