General Etiquette > Family and Children
Grandma takes over the kitchen then complains about having to do the work
AylaM:
First off, please let me know if any clarification is needed. I tried to make it concise, but had 3 questions that each needed background info, so I did some editing.
My paternal grandparents live with my parents, as do I. My grandmother is a bit of a terror when to comes to the kitchen. I am looking for a way to deal with 2-3 main issues:
1. She rushes to take over the kitchen, then complains about having to do the cooking.
2. When she does ask for help, she gets very controlling
3. She complains about having no help doing the dishes, but doesn't give anyone a chance
Question 1:
When we have family over (my mothers side, mostly) my grandmother complains about having to cook. This also comes up for dinner every once in a while, but occurs most often around holidays. My mother and I can take care of the food, so this isn't a big deal. But come time to do the work, she takes charge and starts cooking everything. For example, we are having family over for the Fourth of July. We decided to make the salads (potato, broccoli, etc) the day before specifically because my grandmother got upset about cooking almost everything last year. So we wake up and go downstairs. 'Lo and behold, there is grandma cooking the salads. She hasn't complained yet, but she did last year and the last 2 Thanksgivings.
How can I respond when she complains? I figure "Stop complaining, we didn't ask you to do anything!" isn't very polite. We do try to help some once she gets going, but too many people in the kitchen can make doing anything difficult. It is a big-ish kitchen but really only has a little bit of counter space. In my case I also run into the second problem.
Question 2:
This past Thanksgiving we had mom's family over. I was excited to try a new recipe or two. For sweet potatoes and a dessert. Or anything really, I wanted to do something. But when the time came to set the menu she takes over and picks how both turkeys will be dressed and cooked, chose how to make the sweet potatoes (2 separate recipes!), and made three types of cranberry sauce. She also made or purchased the pies. I was disappointed that my recipes were vetoed ("I bought a pumpkin pie, why do we need a pumpkin cheesecake?" and "I want to use this recipe for sweet potatoes") , but I was excited that I was put in charge of the appetizers. Until she handed me a list of everything I had to make. And told me exactly which recipes I had to use. I like to cook, but I hate being used as manual labor.
How can I make it clear that while I don't mind making something, I do not like being told exactly what to do? Or am I being unreasonable? Should I just lend a hand and
Question 3:
Big surprise, no one loves to do the dishes. While grandma does about 80% of the cooking (not because I'm unwilling but because of topic 1 + differing opinions on what is yummy) she does 99% of the dishes. Why? Because the second she is done eating she starts doing them. Most of the time I am not even done with my meal yet. I hate dishes, but I am willing to do them. But I'm am not going to jump to do them the instant I've finished eating. This means she often get to them before me. This doesn't bother me, but she makes snide remarks sometimes and that DOES bother me. Once when talking about dishes she said "Kay? Do the dishes!? Not likely." and she gave a sort of derisive laugh. I was really insulted.
I want to make it clear that while I am willing to do the dishes, I'm not going to race her to do them. So if she wants me to do them she is just going to have to wait. To me, it seems she can have her preference of "get dishes done NOW" or "not have to be the person doing the dishes". However she can't demand both. My father tends to lean towards ordering me to "hurry up and do the dishes before grandma does" but really that just annoys me. We didn't do dishes this way before they moved in, and I don't think I need to change because she moved in, you know? It'd be one thing if the house rule was "Dishes must be done immediately after supper". Then that would merely be an annoying condition of living with my parents. But that isn't the case.
I don't intend to bring the topic up again unless she does, but I am not sure how I can politely phrase my feelings on this.
girlysprite:
For point 1 and 3, maybe you can come to agreements about it a few days beforehand? And when making an agreement, don't let her decide everything. Also, what is your parent's attitude in this? They don't mind letting grandma make all the decisions? Are they jumping up to help with the dishes? Right now, it sounds like grandma took over almost complete control over food preparation and after dinner duties. If that is the way that your parents want it as well, it is hard to go up against it. But you can discuss it beforehand with grandmother, to indicate that you want to help, but on which (reasonable) terms.
Bethalize:
Grandma sounds like my father. If that is the case then the point isn't that she wants help. The point is that she wants appreciation and validation. Spend some time telling her how hard she works and how much you appreciate her, how wonderful she is, how no one makes salad the way she does. This might be one of the few ways she knows how to earn the appreciation she wants, so please think carefully before taking it away from her.
RandomAngel:
--- Quote from: Bethalize on July 04, 2012, 03:59:30 AM ---Grandma sounds like my father. If that is the case then the point isn't that she wants help. The point is that she wants appreciation and validation. Spend some time telling her how hard she works and how much you appreciate her, how wonderful she is, how no one makes salad the way she does. This might be one of the few ways she knows how to earn the appreciation she wants, so please think carefully before taking it away from her.
--- End quote ---
I was thinking this! If it really bothered her so terribly much to do these things, wouldn't she occasionally drag her feet a little? It sounds more like she wants to be told how incredibly helpful she is, and how lucky you are to have her there. No one could blame you for mingling messages at this point, though: "Grandma, this is delicious--you really spoil us! I'm sure it must be tiring to do so much of the cooking/dishes, though, so any time you don't feel like doing it please sit back and let me jump in."
For Question 2...I'd just refuse. "Oh, no, I'm offering to make MyDish, not OtherDish. I'm really excited to try it out." "What? You don't want MyDish at all? That's too bad--I guess I'll just have to bring it in to work/school/a friend's house, because I've been looking forward to making it for a while now." "I'm afraid I won't be able to make OtherDish AND MyDish. I'd be happy to add MyDish to our meal, but if you don't want it, I'm afraid that's still all I'll have time to make."
cicero:
--- Quote from: Bethalize on July 04, 2012, 03:59:30 AM ---Grandma sounds like my father. If that is the case then the point isn't that she wants help. The point is that she wants appreciation and validation. Spend some time telling her how hard she works and how much you appreciate her, how wonderful she is, how no one makes salad the way she does. This might be one of the few ways she knows how to earn the appreciation she wants, so please think carefully before taking it away from her.
--- End quote ---
that's what i was thinking. especially if she is of the "older" generation (didn't work outside the house, took pride in being a "housewife") - for many women the *only* source of validation and appreciation was a clean house and well cooked meal.
and in addition to showing appreciation, maybe take the time to sit down with her and ask her to show you how to do these recipes (being very careful of her feelings. not "i want to learn before you die" but more a curiosity).. my cousins did this with my grandma - thankfully before she had passed away. they took photos of grandma making her world-famous chocolate babka and put together a little photo albmu plus recipe for all the grandchildren.
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