General Etiquette > Family and Children

We're over it! Is this out of line?

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GSNW:
My husband and I have been married almost a decade.  I'm 31, he's 32 (yes, we married immediately after college graduation).  We are childless by choice.  The issue has been, for years and years, who we spend holidays with.  We have spent many years trying very hard to make things "equitable" and achieved what feels like 100% failure.  My mother wants us to come spend holidays four hours from where we live with her, my dad, and our extended local family group (nine total including parents).  My MIL is divorced, lives in our city, wants us to spend all holidays with her.  We have tried variations of the following:

1 - Splitting time - one group gets Thanksgiving, the other gets Christmas (MIL cries if she is "left all alone" for Tday, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day).
2 - Having my family here so MIL can participate as part of our group (MIL complains that my mom is "too nice," my family is loud, etc).
3 - Eating Christmas breakfast with MIL, driving four hours Christmas day to have dinner with  my family (MIL feels abandoned, my mom is mad that we didn't come for the "entire day").

It is worth noting that FIL and BIL, both bachelors, live in another state and make zero holiday demands/efforts to visit (which is fine either way, since we trade well wishes via telephone and they don't complain).

Now, since we are both teachers, all parties involved assume we have "nothing" to do over the holidays and are free to do as we please.  This is true, but over the years, we have developed a tradition of saving our money to take insanely awesome vacations over our school holidays instead of giving each other "stuff."  THIS YEAR, we advised all parties involved that everyone is invited to our house for Thanksgiving (we can accommodate all quite easily).  We have also advised the moms, who are the main complainers, that we will be taking vacation to a warmer climate leaving Christmas Day and coming home after New Year's.  If they can't stop complaining when we try to spend time with everyone, well, we will go enjoy the holiday with just ourselves!

My mom was miffed, I don't think MIL believes we will follow through with it.  I just don't know what else to do, and further, I resent the implication that we don't have a "family" because we don't have kids.  My husband is my family, and I feel like our first duty is to each other.  Is this an overly petulant/bratty reaction?  I don't feel good about making anyone unhappy, but ... I'm over it!  All thoughts, perspectives, or other possible solutions are appreciated.

pinklightbulb:
No, you are definitely not out of line. You get to decide what you do on any other day of the year-- what makes Tday, Christmas etc any different? Follow through with what you have decided, and enjoy your day!

Amava:
You say you are childfree by choice but it sounds to me like you have a whole bunch o' kids on your hands there, in the shape of people who should be old enough to know/act better!  ;D

I think you two are making a wise choice by "reclaiming" your holiday and vacation to yourself!

NO you are not out of line.

sammycat:
You're not out of line at all. Enjoy your holiday without any guilt at all!  :)

We had a situation a few years ago where no one would get their act together in regards to Christmas, so DH, the kids and I simply decided in mid December to spend Christmas overseas instead.  It was so relaxing we did it again the following year.   

After that, we decided that we liked spending Christmas Day as just the 4 of us that that is our new tradition (at home).  We now alternate hosting duties with my sister's family on Boxing Day

BC12:

--- Quote from: GSNW on July 05, 2012, 01:13:56 AM ---Is this an overly petulant/bratty reaction?
--- End quote ---

In your case, no. Your reaction is very sensible. You've made attempts to make everyone happy, and if certain family members can't appreciate those efforts, what more can you do?

I mean, "Eating Christmas breakfast with MIL, driving four hours Christmas day to have dinner with my family" is going above and beyond in trying to be fair to both, and they both still find it in them to complain? Bah, they can't be pleased. Do your own thing.

Holiday traditions are never set in stone, as much as we might like them to be. People get married, divorced, move, pass away, and we all need to adapt to new traditions. Hosting Thanksgiving at your house and taking a hike for Christmas seem like perfectly fine new traditions. The moms can either be on board, or complain while spending holidays alone. It's up to them which they choose.

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