We're over it! Is this out of line?

[SamiHami]

Instead of appreciating you making a 4 hour drive to see her, your mother chooses to complain because you *dare* to spend breakfast with your MIL?

Instead of appreciating that you are delaying your 4 hour drive to spend breakfast with your MIL she chooses to complain that you don't spend the entire day with her?

Sounds like the moms are both being selfish and thoughtless-ugly sentments at any time of year, but especially at Christmas. I don't blame you a bit for refusing to cater to them any more. If they were truly loving they would be understanding and appreciative that you make the effort to see them at all.

Take a vacation. Have a wonderful time. They will live through it.

[siamesecat2965]

As someone who's single, and only has my mom, I say do what makes you and your DH happy.  If taking a trip for the holidays is it, got for it.  You've tried to make everyone else happy, but they aren't, so now they're going to miss out.

I did kind of the same thing with Thanksgiving last year, my mom and I had been away in Oct, and I just didn't have enough vacation time left for Tday and Christmas, so I told her I wasn't coming down.  Acutally, it was her idea!  But it helped we were both on teh same page.  Tday isn't as big a deal to us as Christmas; the yer before we went out, and last year we each stayed home.  I work retail, so it w as nice to be off, and make my own dinner.  I'm doing the same this year.  I can only go for a couple of days, and its an 8 hour drive, so I'd rather save them and go longer at Christams.

[Roe]

Being childless is besides the matter.  I think they would act the same way if you had 10 kids. 

DH and I have children and we used to run from one place to another trying to appease everyone.  One Thanksgiving, we looked at each other as we were in the car rushing from one house to another and we realized that we just didn't want to do it anymore.  So we changed our traditions.

We told everyone that our holidays would be spent in our home.  They were more than welcomed to come visit for awhile, enjoy a meal or two with us or see us another day.  It worked out so much better 'cause from that moment on, we were no longer trying to rush from place to place.  Of course, we did end up having many people over for the holidays but that's another story!

[artk2002]

You're doing fine. Remember this, when they start whining: You aren't responsible for your mother's or your MIL's happiness. Only they are responsible for that.

[SPuck]

I say go with your own holiday plans and not deal with the stress. They can either stew in their anger or get over it.

[TootsNYC]

You need to learn to ignore them.

Be Teflon.

They are not REQUIRED to look what you do, or to approve of it, etc. And while politeness might dictate that they not complain at you, why wouldn't they? You keep trying to please them, so as long as they make their DISpleasure known, they might get what they want.

So stop trying to get them to agree. They probably never will, and they have no motivation to, and they aren't REQUIRED to.

BUT: just because they don't like what you do, you don't have to CHANGE. You are not REQUIRED to please them, either.

So just don't indicate that you give a hoot about whether they're happy. Be blithely pleasant about your plans, and NEVER NEVER justify or explain. Just shrug and say, "Oh, well, we've made our plans."

And I'd also recomment you NOT try to jolly them along by saying, "I'm sure you'll have a nice day anyway." Don't discuss that. OR, say in an interested way, "What are YOU going to do for Christmas this year?" As if there IS an interesting answer, she's the one who is responsible for coming up with that answer, and you are eager to hear about her positive plans. If she says something about not having them, or you not being there, then say, disappointedly, "Oh, you should come up with something fun to do. I'd love to hear about your plans."

And, also, I might suggest  that you just not discuss this with them. You've told them. Don't *you* bring up Christmas. If they do, just say in a slightly surprised tone of voice, "I know we mentioned it--we're going on a vacation."

And try not to think abot it between now and then? You'll be annoyed when it happens--why be annoyed so many months ahead of time?

[bah12]

I'm with Roe...even with kids families (at least mine and my close friends') tend to make unreasonable holiday demands or have unreasonable expectations. 

I know that both my mother and my MIL like to have the "whole family" together for holidays in their home.  And obviously, that just can't happen.

Anyway, you're not being unreasonable.  You've tried to accommodate everyone and it backfired.  Do what is best for your family.  The rest of them will just need to live with it.

Would your MIL be willing to spend all of Christmas day with your family?   If you were all willing to make the drive....

[bopper]

How about this:

Make a schedule for your holidays.

On even years, do Tgiving with your side, xmas with MIL, and see your family later in the xmas week. (add other holidays as appropriate).
On odd years, do the opposite.

Tell both families that you have made an equitable schedule and that that when you visit if you hear any complaining about how much time you are or are not spending with them, you will assume that nothing will ever be good enough so you will assume that there is no pleasing them so why bother and you will cross them off the holiday lists and start going to Bermuda instead.

[MindsEye]

DH and I gave up the marathon holiday road trips long ago. 

Our families live 4 and 6 hour drives from our home, in exact opposite directions.

We can't do all holidays with everyone, so we don't even try.  And we also want time to ourselves, so that we can enjoy relaxing, driving-free, holidays.

This is our schedule:
Even years: We will do either Christmas or Thanksgiving with DH's family.  They choose the holiday, and we can either drive to see them or host them at our place.  DH and I celebrate the other holiday on our own.
Odd years: We will do either Christmas or Thanksgiving with my family.  They choose the holiday, and we can either drive to see them or host them at our place.  DH and I celebrate the other holiday on our own.

We have never heard any complaints.  Of course, when we set up that schedule in the first place, we let both of our families know that any complainers would be rewarded with no visit at all.

Bottom line: the only person you can really please is yourself.  So do what you and your DH want to do.  Your relatives don't have to like whatever decisions that you make, but they do have to accept them.

[mimi_cat]

I think you are fine.  You inviting them for one of the holidays, and giving them plenty of notice.   You're telling them you won't be around for the other holiday, and again, giving them plenty of notice so they can find something else to do.

DH and I are also childless, but luckily we have not had to deal with this.  My parents are just not big on holidays.  They did them up when we were kids, but now they enjoy getting a few hours visit from their grandkids, keeping it casual, and then doing their own thing.   They also live in a cold climate, and after a few years of getting delayed by flights, we agreed to visit at other times of the year.    His mom is a widow so we spend Christmas with her & then visit my parents in the summer.

DH and I started spending Thanksgiving on our own, usually in a warmer climate, a few years ago. 

[Piratelvr1121]

When I was married, we spent Thanksgiving with one family, and Christmas Day with the other family, Christmas Eve was ours. The next year we would swap. The Christmas Day we didn't spend with my family, my mom would always make Christmas Day a different day of the week.

IMHO, go back to Thanksgiving one family, Christmas Day the other family, but warn them ahead of time, that if they chose to complain about the time spent with them, you will leave, and spend the holidays a less stressful way, and follow through. If something is said to you, after you leave, remind them that you told them ahead of time, you were not going to listen to the complaining about time spent with them.

Pod. When I was growing up, we'd have Christmas at our house and then the day after go down to my grandparent's house.  My grandma always waited till "the children" (meaning her 3 girls and grandkids) were there.   While we were still speaking to my folks we used to do it that way too.  Though since my parents lived 5 minutes from us and IL's about 15 minutes, my folks expected us to visit them too on that day.  So if we were having dinner with the IL's, we'd do the present opening at our house, then go to my parents for more presents and brunch, then go over to the IL's.  I was always so worn out, especially when the boys were real young.   

Now we always have Christmas morning at home and things are a little more relaxed cause we just have to be ready by 11 or noon and since with kids we end up getting up at 7 at the latest, there's plenty of time.

[JeanFromBNA]

For your enjoyment:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Os6wu85r-I4

You're gonna love it! 

[Lynnv]

DH and I have been together for 20 some odd years and have figured out what works for us.  You notice that I don't say that it works for his parents or mine.  That is what you and your spouse are doing as well-and it is all you can do.  You clearly can't please everyone, so you might as well make sure that you and DH, at least, end up happy with the solution. 

[goldilocks]

A little advice:

A friend of mine did something similar several years ago, for the same reasons.  She had 2 sisters , but she was her mother's primary caregiver.  At this point her mother was still independent, but needed my friend for errands and daily phone conversations.  Friend left her sisters contact information, but not her mother.

After friend was about 1/2 through the trip, mother suddenly has to be taken to the hospital.  Her sister refused to contact friend, saying that she and other sister could handle it, which they did.

Weeks later my friend confronted her mother and asked what happened, and mother admitted that she was just feeling sorry for herself and wanted friend to come home.

Moral of the story?  Leave contact information only with someone you trust to contact you only in a true emergency.

[GSNW]

Jimmy Buffett!!!  Love, love, love it.  I also really love all the suggestions and words of encouragement.  I like the idea of an odd/even years trade off with one holiday spent with family and the other spent alone.  To answer a few questions:

Yes, BIL is DH's younger brother.  He is, in all ways, the prodigal son.  Doesn't call MIL for a month?  "oh gosh he called today and spent an hour on the phone with me, so thoughtful!" but DH doesn't call her for four days, "I know you're busy but you act like you can't pick up the phone for five minutes."
Doesn't visit for months, but come in for 48hrs as a "surprise" and MIL is tickled.  If we don't invite her out/ over once a week, we are "avoiding" or "excluding". 
 
Obvs, MIL has more than holiday issues! 

For our Christmas vacation, we are still deciding.  We have narrowed our choices to Tulum and Greece (Mykonos).