When they know your address but...

[Itza]

... they still send post for you to your parents’ house!

B/G I haven’t lived with my parents in 21 years and, despite giving my address to all of my relatives, it seems some of them have decided it’s more convenient to give Christmas cards to my parents to pass on to me, either directly or posting it through their letter box.

I’ve been living in the same town as my parents and these relatives for 17 years and just half a mile from my parents for 14 years. I suppose these relatives do this to save themselves either time, effort, money or all three, under the assumption my parents and I will see each other over Christmas. End B/G
 
Now, here comes the problem. We are moving out of the area and I will, of course, let everyone know our change of address but I suspect that these relatives will continue to give my parents cards for me. Additionally, recently in the UK, the price of postage increased so I see more relatives doing the same as the others! I don’t want my parents to incur the financial burden of posting these cards onto me since I doubt we’ll be seeing each other every Christmas.

I've suggested to my mother that if anyone tries to give her a card for me directly, that she is to refuse to take it saying that we're not seeing each other this year. I said to her that it doesn't matter if it's true or not, to say it anyway lest agreeing once sets up a precedent in the relative’s mind.

As for the ones that are posted through the letterbox, I’ve asked her to open them for me and to let me know who they’re from so I can contact the senders directly and give them my new address (again) but as for the wording, I’m not sure what to say exactly.

Does anyone have any better suggestions of how to deal with this situation when it happens? How would you address this with people? Would you let them know they're imposing a financial burden on your parents?

Many thanks!

[Kaypeep]

I would make a point to contact the repeat offenders and pointedly ask them to please stop sending your mail via your parents.  I'd remind them that the cost of postage has gone up and it's not fair for your parents to have to pay to re-send things, and it's not fair that they've wasted their own time and efforts having to remember to bring you mis-directed mail.  In other words, I'd let them people know they are adding to your parent's burden and it's really unfair. 

[VorFemme]

Military spouse - we moved often.  I started a habit of sending my Christmas cards out EARLY the years we moved, so I could include the new address on the envelope, inside the card, and in the holiday news letter (so three times - envelope, card, and enclosure). 

There were at least a couple of times when other family members also sent their cards early and our change of address crossed in the mail with their card (birth announcement once, a move on someone else's part, and an announcement of some other kind - possibly a change in who was hosting the family get together at Christmas that year - I forget).

[Harriet Jones]

I don't know if this would work in the UK, but can you ask your mother to write "Return to Sender/ Not at this address" and send it back without having to pay return postage?

[Bluenomi]

I don't know if this would work in the UK, but can you ask your mother to write "Return to Sender/ Not at this address" and send it back without having to pay return postage?

That's what I'd be tempted to do. The only problem is the OP's parents might cop some flack from relatives for not passing them on.

[Lorelei_Evil]

I get this from my relatives because I've never married.  Therefore, I still belong to my father despite the fact that I've maintained my own household for 23 years a 2 hour drive away.  I just don't get invited to things and I get yelled at because I didn't show up to something I didn't know about.  They have the right address, they refuse to use it, I give up.

Saves me money!  My dad just does the Return to Sender thing in the rare event I get a separate invitation.  Most of the time I'm tacked onto my parents' invitation as an afterthought.  I got hollered at for not going to my great niece's wedding.  I haven't seen her since she was 7 weeks old, she wouldn't know me if I stepped on her!  I don't even know what she looks like.  I don't think she missed me, do you?   

Kaypeep has a great idea if they're sane, that coud work.  Failed miserably for me. 

[Itza]

I would make a point to contact the repeat offenders and pointedly ask them to please stop sending your mail via your parents.  I'd remind them that the cost of postage has gone up and it's not fair for your parents to have to pay to re-send things, and it's not fair that they've wasted their own time and efforts having to remember to bring you mis-directed mail.  In other words, I'd let them people know they are adding to your parent's burden and it's really unfair.

Yes, I’d like to let them know how their actions would affect my parents. I wasn’t sure if it was rude to do that.

Military spouse - we moved often.  I started a habit of sending my Christmas cards out EARLY the years we moved, so I could include the new address on the envelope, inside the card, and in the holiday news letter (so three times - envelope, card, and enclosure).

That is on my Action Plan. What I also plan to do pre-move is contact people I have ‘instant’ access to, to let them know of our move and our address be it in person, via text message, via email or via Facebook. So, at least those in that wave of notifications will know prior to Christmas. Some of the culprits are actually in that wave.

I don't know if this would work in the UK, but can you ask your mother to write "Return to Sender/ Not at this address" and send it back without having to pay return postage?

Not in this case, I’m afraid. What’s happening is that some people are visiting my parents and giving them two cards: one for my parents and one for me and asking my parents to pass mine on to me. I’ve asked my mother to refuse these cards saying they’re not seeing me this year. The other people are personally delivering the cards with just names on envelopes (no postal address) and plopping them through my parents’ letter box, therefore no face-to-face interaction so my parents cannot refuse to pass them on and also no return address so no change to do the RTS/NATA.

I don't know if this would work in the UK, but can you ask your mother to write "Return to Sender/ Not at this address" and send it back without having to pay return postage?

That's what I'd be tempted to do. The only problem is the OP's parents might cop some flack from relatives for not passing them on.

Yeah, that’s why I’ve given my mother permission to open the cards that have been plopped through their letterbox so she can tell me who they’re from and I can re-contact them to remind them again of my new address.

I think I remember reading something about your case Lorelei Evil. It’s horrible that you get yelled at for not turning up to things they can’t be bothered sending you invitations to directly. It’s shocking that it still happens after 23 years. At what point, do you think, we can put it down to their laziness?

[Stormtreader]

Get some perforated sheets of address sticky labels printed up and give them to your parents.

Then when people try to hand them your card, have them hand over one of the sticky labels and say "oh, some people didnt get the change of address for Itza, if you use this label and pop it into the post then itll find its way to the right house".

[sammycat]

Get some perforated sheets of address sticky labels printed up and give them to your parents.

Then when people try to hand them your card, have them hand over one of the sticky labels and say "oh, some people didnt get the change of address for Itza, if you use this label and pop it into the post then itll find its way to the right house".

Excellent idea!

[artk2002]

I don't know if this would work in the UK, but can you ask your mother to write "Return to Sender/ Not at this address" and send it back without having to pay return postage?

That's what I'd be tempted to do. The only problem is the OP's parents might cop some flack from relatives for not passing them on.

Then they give the flak right back: "It would have gotten to her if you had addressed it to her, at her address as she has asked."

[JonGirl]

I still get this sometimes too. How annoying.
I say to my parents, "If nobody can be bothered sending to my proper address, I can't be bothered attending"

[secretrebel]

I don't know if this would work in the UK, but can you ask your mother to write "Return to Sender/ Not at this address" and send it back without having to pay return postage?

Another option is for your parents to write your new address on the envelope (or keep some sticky labels handy). The UK post office will redeliver without additional charge on that basis.

[ggreg7]

My mom has been in the hospital and then moved to a rehab facility (broken hip).  My sister and I have been handling mom's mail and things while she's been away.  We were going through the mail the other day and I couldn't believe how many things still arrive at my mom's house addressed to the two of us...I haven't lived there for 16 years and my sister moved out around ten years ago.  We are lucky that 99% of it is junk and can be discarded but still it was just insane.

[CaffeineKatie]

I like all of the suggestions, but what about having your parents say (esp. to repeat offenders) "We will be glad to give this to her WHEN WE SEE HER, probably in "date-six-months-from-now"...you don't mind if she gets it that late, do you???"  That puts it back on them.

[Itza]

Get some perforated sheets of address sticky labels printed up and give them to your parents.

Then when people try to hand them your card, have them hand over one of the sticky labels and say "oh, some people didnt get the change of address for Itza, if you use this label and pop it into the post then itll find its way to the right house".

That’s a really good idea. I was just going to give my parents some of the ‘We Have Moved’ sheets I made on the computer to hand to them relatives but that’d still mean the person stood there would have an envelope to address so, next week, when the adhesive labels I have become reunited with the printer my husband has, I’ll print some off and send them to my parents as well as the sheets I’ve already given them. That way, they can give the relative the label for the envelope and the sheet for their address book.

Also, I’ve stressed to my parents that when the relative tries to hand the card over, they must not take it off them because the relative might then assume at that point that my parents will take responsibility for paying postage. I know that seems like an interesting assumption but I think in some cases, people don’t realise what they’re really asking until the ‘hot potato’ (the hot potato being responsibility for something) is given back to them.

I like all of the suggestions, but what about having your parents say (esp. to repeat offenders) "We will be glad to give this to her WHEN WE SEE HER, probably in "date-six-months-from-now"...you don't mind if she gets it that late, do you???"  That puts it back on them.

Kind of like:-

Relative: Here’s your card... and, would mind giving this to Itza, please?
Parents: Oh, I’m sorry, we’re not seeing Itza this Christmas but we’re planning on seeing her next year sometime, maybe around June. I’d be more than happy to give her then if you like?
Relative: Huh? What? No, it’s a Christmas card.

It would be interesting if they’d then dare to ask my parents to post it for them with their own card, thereby increasing my parents’ postage costs.

I don't know if this would work in the UK, but can you ask your mother to write "Return to Sender/ Not at this address" and send it back without having to pay return postage?

Another option is for your parents to write your new address on the envelope (or keep some sticky labels handy). The UK post office will redeliver without additional charge on that basis.

I’m afraid none of these suggestions would work in this case. A couple of relatives are giving my parents the cards in person and therefore can be told but some other relatives don’t deliver the cards using the postal system but instead plop the cards through my parents’ letterbox themselves. So, not only do they not have a return address on the card (we don’t know who they’re from till they’re opened), they don’t have postage either. So we can’t use the postal system to return it to them or forward it to me without my parents incurring postage which they really shouldn’t be paying for anyway.

With this in mind, it’s finding a polite way to say:-

1) Hey! I don’t live there anymore; I already gave you my new address, here it is again,

and

2) Stop expecting my parents to pay your postage; they’re retired and can’t afford it!