Shunned by our Haitian neighbors for no reason

[Otterpop]

That is a VERY good point Sophia.  Neighbors are being obnoxious.  Instead of being friendly and maybe risking the receipt of criticism, they install a barrier of cold hostility.  The OP responds by giving goodies.  That's a good racket. 

[BarensMom]

I'm not sure bringing cupcakes is a good idea - you may end up wearing them.  The shunning and the loud music are hostile, so showing up on their doorstep may trigger an overt act.  I wouldn't try to be friendly and call the police when the music gets too loud.

[eastonp]

Update on the "neighbors":

First, I think a couple of you make good points. Particularly the one who suggests that they are blasting music, and I'm thinking of bringing them baked goods, as well as the one about the possibility of loss in Haiti. And my thanks to the moderator for stifling the needless back and forth. On to the point of this blog: etiquette hell.

The extent to which they shun us is extreme. It's not just simple avoidant behavior. You know that cliché of a ball going over the fence, and the kid asking the neighbor to help by throwing the ball back, and he doesn't? That's happened. I had to ask if I could come over and get it, without any reply. So I came into his yard, via the alley, opening his chain link gate, retrieved the ball, and he never even acknowledged I existed.

I did finally have a break through moment. Friday around seven am, he was dragging a full keg up his sidewalk as I was walking to my car parked in front. Struck by the absurdity, I approached and said, "You know, I have a wheelbarrow in my back yard, if you need help." He looked at me and spoke! He said, "No, I got it."

Later that night, of course, they had a very loud party, seemingly for a child, as there was an inflatable bouncer/castle in their yard, and at one point an absurd children's party clown ala Bobcat Goldthwait's Shakes. The loud music (delivered by four, five-foot tall Marshall amps) started at two p.m., and only stopped for the party clown's karaoke and occasional announcements about photos of our neighbor and Snoop Dog being for sale.

Anyway, I fell asleep at eight after reading to my daughter. My wife told me the next morning that the music stopped suddenly at ten (otherwise she would have called the cops...again. Out town does have a sound nuisance law related to preventing the enjoyment of one's property, or something of the kind). Here's why:

The neighbor on the other side of our house, who always calls his cat in at night, couldn't find his cat, and knew his cat couldn't have heard him calling. So he went to see what the party was all about. As a joke, he said that they would have to turn the music down so his cat could hear him calling. His friends didn't get that he was joking, and turned the music down. About a half hour later, the obnoxious neighbor (who happens to be Haitian) did come over to apologize to him. He explained that he was joking, but there didn't seem to be a whole lot of understanding happening (my friendly neighbor's words...not mine).

Anyhow. From here on out I'm just calling the cops. I'm tired of having to explain to my six year old daughter why our neighbors don't like us. I'll be blunt from here on out.

Thanks everyone for your two cents. I'm chalking it up to their just being ********.

[Zilla]

It's actually a great lesson for your six year old to learn and a perfect age (school starting etc)


The lesson being that not everyone will like you and not everyone will be kind.  Best just to be civil and ignore.

[aloe]

Thanks for the update & best wishes!

[Kali]

My wife and two kids live in Skokie, IL. Though we are in Chicago's northern suburbs, it's actually a pretty diverse community. I'm a teacher, my wife is an out-of-work social worker, daughter is six, son is two, pretty typical white American family, quiet but friendly, not obnoxious in any way that I can tell.

When our new neighbors moved in--a couple in their late 30s / early 40s, we introduced ourselves, learned names, exchanged pleasantries. And then they shunned us. Serious shunning. The kind of shunning where you say, "Hi, how are you?" and wave, and he pretends we don't exist. Like I'm Bruce Willis in the Sixth Sense shunning.

Now I don't mind it so terribly. Obviously something is wrong, he thinks I did something, or who the hell knows what. But he and his wife do it to our kids. And we are left answering questions like, "Daddy, why doesn't our neighbor look at me or hear me talking?"

And two other things: he will set up a 10 foot monitor right next to our back fence and blast music for hours on end on the weekend. Also, his friends who come over will talk to us, say hi, very cordial and polite. But he and his wife...nothing.

What would you do? I've considered everything from writing a note to ask what we've done, to bringing over cupcakes that my daughter and I made, to just calling the cops the next time the music is out of hand.

Advice?

Shunned in Skokie

Is it possible you are doing something to annoy them, such as a barking dog? Or perhaps you have come off as "too friendly" and they simply don't want to take it to that level and are avoiding you. I had new neighbors move in across the street six months ago. I greeted them politely and said welcome to the neighborhood and basically left it at that. For a couple of weeks after that the kids were screaming "hi" from across the street and the parents and kids alike were noticing every time I pulled into my driveway. Completely annoying and I now just look the other way when they are out. After I stopped responding at all to the screams way across the street of "hi" they stopped.

Too friendly is no good either and feels like an invasion of privacy. The noise issue may be in response to a dog or something you are doing, or perhaps they are just inconsiderate.

[VorFemme]

We moved into a new house back in 1992.  The homeowners across the street came over to meet us after our moving van left. 

It seems that the day the preacher & his wife had moved in, one of the the four strippers living in the same house with their live-in boyfriends had had a huge fight, ending with one of the girls going through a glass storm door - ambulance, police, and more drama that most people want next door or across the street.  Especially the preacher who had bought his house only days before moving in, not realizing that the one across the street was rented out....we rented it next, some six or eight months after the dramatic introduction to the neighborhood.

Fortunately, with two cats, a cute nine year old red headed girl, and a spouse in the military - we did not end up causing anyone to put their house up for sale to get away from us!  The girl next door did not like our daughter - but that was for reasons not related to my being a stay at home mom (as far as I knew).  The rest of the neighbors were glad that no one was sunbathing topless in the backyard to avoid tan lines any more........no fights, no loud drunken parties after the strip clubs closed, and we kept the lawn mowed on a more regular basis (hired someone when I got pg a few months later). 

But I got the distinct impression that there had been some very worried homeowners on the block!

They just didn't do a lot of fraternization with people who hadn't bought the house at about the same time they had - say about twenty or thirty years earlier....it was an area heavily populated with retirees or people about ten years from retirement.