General Etiquette > Life...in general
"Wow, you must be really smart"
cicero:
--- Quote from: Onyx_TKD on July 18, 2012, 11:33:53 PM ---
--- Quote from: cicero on July 18, 2012, 02:22:53 AM ---
--- Quote from: janeite on July 17, 2012, 04:30:39 PM ---Hello wonderful Ehellions. I mostly lurk, but I'm hoping you nice folks can help me out with graceful responses to the above remark.
People say this to me pretty often, usually when they hear that that: I went to an Ivy League school, I have a bachelor's and master's degree in chemical engineering, and/or I'm currently pursuing a Ph.D. in chemistry.
I never know how to respond to this, or its cousins "I was always really bad at/hated chemistry/science" and "Oh, I could never do that" (usually in an admiring tone).
I know that people are making conversation and trying to be nice, but I'm not sure what to say in response. I usually end up saying something about how I've always liked/been good at science and math, but I was hoping you guys might have some better thoughts.
--- End quote ---
can you tell me what's bothering you about this?
do you think you're *not* smart? do you think it's arrogant to say "thank you", thus implying you are smart? do you have trouble thanking people for a compliment? or is it bothering you because someone saying you must be smart means that it was some "given" talent, and not that you worked your b*tt off?
because my natural reaction to someone telling me that they have a PhD in chemistry (heck, anything past my chemistry class in HS!) would be awe and i probably would say something like "you must be smart" because i believe you *are* very smart.
--- End quote ---
I can't speak for the OP, but I can explain some situations where this comment bothers me. First, let me emphasize that I think most people making those comments mean them as sincere compliments and I appreciate that intent. I'm just explaining why the comments bother me anyway.
When I was in undergrad, I was often asked what my major was. It's one of the typical getting-to-know-you questions for someone attending a university. When I said I was in mechanical engineering, I would often get some variation on "Wow, you must be really smart!" It bothered me and I was never really sure how to respond. It's not that I think I'm unintelligent or that I didn't think it was a sincerely meant compliment. What bothers me is the reasoning. To me, hearing that someone is in a particular major and concluding that they must be really smart (with no other information--for all these people knew, I could have been bordering on flunking out) is analogous to finding out that an online acquaintance is a brunette and saying "Wow, you must be really pretty!" based on nothing but hair color. It just seems like either a non-sequitur at best or at worst a judgement that other majors/hair colors are somehow inferior. I'm not in engineering because of my dazzling intellect ( >:D); I'm in engineering because engineering happens to mesh with the way my brain works. I assume people majoring in say, history, are in that field because it meshes with the way their brains work. Yet I get the impression that engineering/science majors are more likely to get the "Wow, you must be smart" comments than history majors--why? What makes my type of "smart" any more worthy than theirs?
--- End quote ---
ok thanks fo r this (and other PPs who explained).
I guess it's because I am smart in some ways but was a terrible student, i am in awe of people who understand chemistry or who are pursuing their doctorate. in any subject, mind you. I know the dedication and work and understanding and reading that goes into getting a degree. so yes, there is hard work and yes most people who pursue a higher education will study something they enjoy- but i do think that those people are also smart.
AfleetAlex:
My light-hearted response to a compliment about something I do well is a thank you, and then I usually joke, "But I traded that for having no sense of direction. I could get lost in a paper bag with a map and a flashlight."
janeite:
Hi all, OP here. Thanks for all the responses--I'll have to use some of those!
To answer some questions about why this bothers me: I think previous posters have pretty much nailed it. It does seem distancing, like people are automatically assuming that since I've got fancy degrees I'm going to think I'm better than them or that I can't relate to people. I think some of it does also come from being female in a technical field, especially from older people and in my southern hometown. When that implication is added I almost find it offensive because the whole "girls can't do math/science" thing really bugs me.
I do try to avoid bringing these things up in conversation when I can (i.e. "oh, when I was in school in NJ"), but you can't really avoid answering a direct question when asked without being more awkward.
I think the analogy to "you must be really rich" is a good one. I get that a lot in reference to my undergrad institution as well, but for that one I can usually deflect by talking about how good the financial aid is.
Thanks again for all the thoughts. It sounds like this happens to other people a lot as well, so at least I'm not alone!
Kaymyth:
This may not work for all audiences, but I'm the sort of person who'd break out the mad scientist jokes. "Yes, I've got the intellect down, and the schooling is coming along nicely, but I'm still working on the maniacal cackle. MUAHAHAHAH! What do you think? Not enough muas, too many has?" or "I am well on my way to hatching my first world domination plot! Would you be intersted in applying for a Minion position when the time comes?"
Bonus points if you can design a terrifying Rube Goldberg machine of pointless destruction that would be made of Legos and random ThinkGeek items. Extra bonus points if you can incorporate their Canned Unicorn Meat.
I am, obviously, the sort of person who advocates embracing one's nerdity. ;)
AfleetAlex:
Extra EXTRA points if you can work in a Pinky and the Brain reference. ;D
Navigation
[0] Message Index
[*] Previous page
Go to full version