I defriended on FB and paid for it in person! How to handle future meetings?

[JacklynHyde]

If this is in the wrong place, please feel free to move.

I've been culling my FB friends list by removing people who are not in regular contact with me.  A couple of months ago, this included a couple (we'll call them Jack and Jill) I see at parties and little else since they gave the Cut Direct to my best friend from college and his wife.  We aren't close and didn't interact much outside of a casual conversation at aforementioned partied.  Besides, I've always made it a point to accept requests to refriend and make sure to never cut them again.

Last month, I was at a party where Jack and Jill were also in attendance.  I went outside to say hello to where they were seated and patted Jack on the shoulder.  He pushed my arm away and asked, "What are you doing?  We aren't good enough to be your friends anymore."  When I explained that I had only cut people who didn't use FB as a means to stay in touch, both Jack and Jill proceeded to yell at me about how bad a friend I was for cutting them.  I retreated into the house and relayed the outdoor drama to the hostess (who isn't on FB at all and rolled her eyes a lot).  I was unnerved by the vitriol of their behavior, especially after telling them that they only needed to send me another friend request to set things right.

Things settled down, but Jack went through a dozen beers and proceeded to badmouth my best friend and his wife loudly while letting me know he only wants to stay friends with me because he thinks he'll eventually get in a few Scrabble moves (my husband begs to differ).  Jill drank until she passed out on the floor of the party.  Neither of them have sent new friend requests.  I'm fine with this.

My problem lies in how to deal with these folks at future gatherings.  I've made it clear that I will be cordial and even conversational for the sake of the other people at a party, but what if it turns into another tirade about the FB cut?

[Nika]

ACK. 

I don't think you have any reason to be conversational with them. I would give them the full cut.

They sound insane!

[Moray]

Stay away from them and do not engage. That reaction was neither normal, nor sane.

[The Ricker]

The full cut is in order here, after your husband takes a lead pipe to Jack.

[gramma dishes]

Jack went through a dozen beers and proceeded to badmouth my best friend and his wife loudly while letting me know he only wants to stay friends with me because he thinks he'll eventually get in a few Scrabble moves (my husband begs to differ).

Good grief Almighty!!!  Why on earth would you give diddly squat what these people want?  Why would you want them as friends on ANY level?  I wouldn't have these people as friends if they were served to me spread on a cracker accompanied by a glass of wine and orchestra music!!  They sound rude, crude, uncouth and incredibly infantile! 

[TheVapors]

Jack went through a dozen beers and proceeded to badmouth my best friend and his wife loudly while letting me know he only wants to stay friends with me because he thinks he'll eventually get in a few Scrabble moves (my husband begs to differ).

Good grief Almighty!!!  Why on earth would you give diddly squat what these people want?  Why would you want them as friends on ANY level?  I wouldn't have these people as friends if they were served to me spread on a cracker accompanied by a glass of wine and orchestra music!!  They sound rude, crude, uncouth and incredibly infantile!

^^^ I had a good laugh, but I absolutely agree. Why would you want to put up with that? I most certainly would not accept a FB friend invite from them, and I definitely wouldn't interact with them any more than absolutely necessary at a social function (that is, I wouldn't go out of my way to greet them, and I wouldn't stand around to talk to them).

[JacklynHyde]

Madame Dishes, you have hit upon my quandary.  How DO I deal with these folks if we're at a mutual friend's house and they start giving me more grief about FB?  As is, they've raised such a stink about my best friend and his wife (who apparently had the unfortunate timing of defriending them the same day) that it's become an "us or them" in many cases when guest lists are drawn.

The even sadder thing is that the cut direct between Jack and my friend was over a posting on another web forum that was taken out of context by Jack.  It makes me sort of hate the internet, but I work online and only keep track of half of my family through FB.

[TheVapors]

Madame Dishes, you have hit upon my quandary.  How DO I deal with these folks if we're at a mutual friend's house and they start giving me more grief about FB?  As is, they've raised such a stink about my best friend and his wife (who apparently had the unfortunate timing of defriending them the same day) that it's become an "us or them" in many cases when guest lists are drawn.

The even sadder thing is that the cut direct between Jack and my friend was over a posting on another web forum that was taken out of context by Jack.  It makes me sort of hate the internet, but I work online and only keep track of half of my family through FB.

I think that most people, or I'd like to think that most people, will be judging Jack & Jill for their behavior. They will know Jack & Jill from their antics to be dramatic and juvenile. It wouldn't surprise me, if Jack & Jill continue to act out at parties about nonsense, that people will become wise to that and stop inviting them based purely on how they behave. Not about taking sides.

If Jack and Jill try to talk directly to you about FB, you can say, "I'd hate for the other guests to be made uncomfortable. Let's stick to pleasant topics." Then, turn away from them and talk to someone else/continue enjoying what you were doing before. Basically, be polite, but do not engage further. Keep most of your attention on the people that are enjoyable.

If they try to talk to others about the online nonsense, I'd ignore it entirely. Again, keeping my attention on the people that are enjoyable.

I can say that if a Jack & Jill type person came up to me at a party and started to complain about being defriended or making a scene over something that happened online, right away I'd keep my distance. Don't care what happened, it's just rude to bring it up at a social gathering.

Depending on how big a scene was made, I'd talk to the host/hostess. My last resort would be "I don't want to be, directly or indirectly, the cause of drama at your gathering. I'm afraid that my presence has made another party noticeably agitated. I've had so much fun, and I can't wait to hang out, again. See you at XYZ!" And then I'd leave.

[MrTango]

Hopefully, enough people saw their horrid behavior at that party that they won't be invited to future events.

[LB]

Madame Dishes, you have hit upon my quandary.  How DO I deal with these folks if we're at a mutual friend's house and they start giving me more grief about FB?   As is, they've raised such a stink about my best friend and his wife (who apparently had the unfortunate timing of defriending them the same day) that it's become an "us or them" in many cases when guest lists are drawn.

The even sadder thing is that the cut direct between Jack and my friend was over a posting on another web forum that was taken out of context by Jack.  It makes me sort of hate the internet, but I work online and only keep track of half of my family through FB.

After their behavior and things they said, I'd just walk away. Let them rant, let them raise a stink. They're causing drama, not you. People that unpleasant will eventually be cut from invite lists.

[bah12]

Don't deal with them at all.  Cooly polite is really all that is necessary if you ever bump into them again.

For a lot of us, FB status are not direct indicators of relationships in real life.  Everyone uses FB differently, and I have a hard time with people who put so much weight on a virtual status when I'm interacting with them in person.

Also, if I ever notice that I'm defriended, I won't send another friend request to that person.  I don't take it personally, but I also assume that the person cut me for a reason and that when/if that reason changes, they would send me another request.  I don't necessarily think you should expect that anyone that you do cut from your friends list would send you another request to make it right again.

[cicero]

Madame Dishes, you have hit upon my quandary.  How DO I deal with these folks if we're at a mutual friend's house and they start giving me more grief about FB?  As is, they've raised such a stink about my best friend and his wife (who apparently had the unfortunate timing of defriending them the same day) that it's become an "us or them" in many cases when guest lists are drawn.

well, sometimes it will have to be that. sometimes you have to take a stand and stick with it. if being at parties with these idiots are going to cause you grief, then you either don't show up or you leave at the first sign of idiocy.

*you* treat them with 'chilly indifference'. you don't engage, you ignore, you walk away if they walk up to your group, etc. if they get drunk and things get out of hand - your hosts have a choice...

The even sadder thing is that the cut direct between Jack and my friend was over a posting on another web forum that was taken out of context by Jack.  It makes me sort of hate the internet, but I work online and only keep track of half of my family through FB.

see a bit of a pattern here? why hate the internet? it's jack who is being an idiot, not 'the internet'.

[Winterlight]

Be coolly polite if you must speak to them, otherwise, avoid them.

[TootsNYC]

Jack went through a dozen beers and proceeded to badmouth my best friend and his wife loudly while letting me know he only wants to stay friends with me because he thinks he'll eventually get in a few Scrabble moves (my husband begs to differ).

Good grief Almighty!!!  Why on earth would you give diddly squat what these people want?  Why would you want them as friends on ANY level?  I wouldn't have these people as friends if they were served to me spread on a cracker accompanied by a glass of wine and orchestra music!!  They sound rude, crude, uncouth and incredibly infantile!

And believe me, everyone around them knows exactly what they're like. So you don't need to worry about your reputation.

Now just focus on not initiating any contact with them, simply because life is more pleasant for everybody.

And if it becomes "us or them," realize that anybody who insists you make that choice is not someone you want to know.

And then realize that now is the time for YOU to be the "social mover," for YOU to be the one who determines the guest list, and issues the invitations. If you start doing that, then you don't have to worry about being left out or having your social life dissolve.

Look at it this way: If you throw a few parties that don't involve these boors, everyone else may realize that the parties are much more fun and much less fraught without them!

[Twik]

Madame Dishes, you have hit upon my quandary.  How DO I deal with these folks if we're at a mutual friend's house and they start giving me more grief about FB?  As is, they've raised such a stink about my best friend and his wife (who apparently had the unfortunate timing of defriending them the same day) that it's become an "us or them" in many cases when guest lists are drawn.

The even sadder thing is that the cut direct between Jack and my friend was over a posting on another web forum that was taken out of context by Jack.  It makes me sort of hate the internet, but I work online and only keep track of half of my family through FB.

Well, your friends have to decide who they want as guests - people who behave relatively sanely, or those who behave like orangutans with social issues (my apology to orangutans, most of whom would be better guests).

Why should these people keep getting invited, when they cannot behave like civilized beings? Oh, I know the answer - the hosts are afraid of confrontation, and therefore try to force the sane people to accept horrific treatment and grovel to the boors for forgiveness, because goodness knows, the hosts can't control the boors. Then they wonder why their parties are no fun any more.