Author Topic: It hasn't even been 5 months!  (Read 4973 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Carotte

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1195
It hasn't even been 5 months!
« on: October 01, 2012, 01:29:51 PM »
I wasn't really sure where to put this, sorry and please tell me if I have to move it!


It also could have gone to the "complete silence" thread since that has been my answer until now.

BG: I've been with my current boyfriend since a bit less than 5 months, and we had known eachother for a couple weeks previously.
I'm 24 and he is my first serious relationship, I only have good things to say about him/us (well ok, he could take some work on his housekeeping habits :) ), so my mother is quite happy for me.
Due to a few things ( he lives alone I'm still with my parents, we're 1h appart..) I'm usually at his place a few days a week.
I've meet his parents during the hollydays because we shared the summer house for a few days but he hasn't meet my parents, yet my mother already loves him (it's clear that he likes me and take good care of me and has made me try a bunch of things that my parents never got me to eat).
We never discussed were we  were "going" and what was our future, it all went pretty fast with us at the beginning and I think we're both trying not to go too fast now to not freak the other one.

The thing is that lately my mother has been running faster than the song and has made comments that go along the line of seeing us already married and with kids. She even called his parents my in laws when I mentioned something about them.
I don't know how to respond, I'm usually too flabbergasted to say anything. They're mostly off-hand comments and there's only been a few so it's not like I'm being cornered to get married and get her a grandkid assap.
I think I mostly freak out because truth be told yeah I might have imagined a future with him (and if they take after him our kids would be gorgeous  ;D, and brilliants), but it's too early/soon for me to think about it. It's only been 5 months and I'm only 24, too young to think about that! (I am, me, I'm not saying anything about other 24 yold or younger people getting married if they were ready, I'm not) - .
So I'm looking for a nice phrase to kind of explain to my mom that this topic is not open yet. I'm a bit afraid that she would say something like that when he'll finally get to meet my parents (which would be pretty soon for a dinner).
And that I'll die of embarrassment and that he'll flee.

Or am I crazy to freak out that someone is seeing us so far ahead when we haven't talked about that?
(Actualy if he was to broach the subject so soon I would be the one freaking out. )
A friend of his already said something like "if you two ever have kids .." in front of us and we both acted like that had never been said (and I felt like I was burning up from being red in the face). It's wasn't pushy it was more like "we all know this is likely to happen even if you two don't know it yet".

QueenofAllThings

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2921
Re: It hasn't even been 5 months!
« Reply #1 on: October 01, 2012, 01:44:39 PM »
Just look at her with a straight face and say "Relax, Mom". Some parents do this - it's irritating.

Other responses (depending on your mother's personality):

"Whoa there, Trigger"
"We aren't committed to each other yet - no matching tattoos, so ...."
"Mom, it's been a short time. We're having fun. Let's leave it at that, shall we?"

My oldest son's girlfriend's mother (got that?) once said to him (3 months into the relationship) "You're getting a great girl here. She's going to be an amazing wife for you!" He came home completely freaked out.

gramma dishes

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 8318
Re: It hasn't even been 5 months!
« Reply #2 on: October 01, 2012, 02:05:18 PM »
"Mom ... if you really like him, please stop saying things like that.  Our relationship is just getting started!  We haven't discussed any future possibilities with each other, so please don't do it 'about' us.  If you say stuff like that you're going to scare him off (and his parents too) -- that is if you don't scare me off first!"

WillyNilly

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 7490
  • Mmmmm, food
    • The World as I Taste It
Re: It hasn't even been 5 months!
« Reply #3 on: October 01, 2012, 02:13:52 PM »
Like others I say just kindly but firmly tell your mom to back off.  In my family is more a sarcasm route, so I'd probably say something like "you know whats super fantastic romantic?  That you've decided on our engagement before us" with a bit of an eye roll. 

But of course use whatever language works best in your family, but just get it out there exactly what you wrote here - that you really like him and you hope things are moving forward, but right now you are 24 and just still learning the ropes of being in a relationship and pushing for marriage is kind of freaking you out and embarrassing you and can she please stop.

And here's a piece of fun advice in case it comes down to someone asking "so when are you getting married?" - the worlds most awkward question to the non-engaged: "February 30, save the date!" said with an enthusiastic smile and then immediately bean dip or excuse your self.

sweetonsno

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1429
Re: It hasn't even been 5 months!
« Reply #4 on: October 01, 2012, 03:09:30 PM »
Two pieces of advice to deal with the situation:

1. What WillyNilly, gramma dishes, and Queen of All Things said: tell mom to calm down. I love the use of humor if it works for your family. If it doesn't, take a more serious approach. I definitely think you should have a little word with her before he meets her. ("Mom, no 'marriage' comments, even if it's a joke. I don't want him to be terrified.")

2. Curb your own enthusiasm when you talk about him. It's pretty clear from your post that you're excited about this guy, so it's probably even clearer to your mom when you talk about it in person. Your Mom is probably getting a lot of it from you. She's "going there" because you are, even if you aren't explicitly telling her that you're imagining a wedding and cute babies.

Final advice (more relationship than etiquette):

Enjoy your feelings and enjoy your time together, but stay in the present. Being twitterpated is the best, and it's okay to fantasize about the future. Just try to not get too attached to a possible outcome. It gets in the way of enjoying what you have, and if stuff doesn't go as planned, then it's extra sad, even if it isn't a trainwreck. (Sometimes it can be humorous in retrospect, but imagining a romantic picnic by the lake and getting taken to a monster truck show is a bit of a let-down in the moment.)
« Last Edit: October 01, 2012, 03:11:42 PM by sweetonsno »

bopper

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 12538
Re: It hasn't even been 5 months!
« Reply #5 on: October 01, 2012, 03:12:18 PM »

So I'm looking for a nice phrase to kind of explain to my mom that this topic is not open yet. I'm a bit afraid that she would say something like that when he'll finally get to meet my parents (which would be pretty soon for a dinner).
And that I'll die of embarrassment and that he'll flee.

Or am I crazy to freak out that someone is seeing us so far ahead when we haven't talked about that?
(Actualy if he was to broach the subject so soon I would be the one freaking out. )
A friend of his already said something like "if you two ever have kids .." in front of us and we both acted like that had never been said (and I felt like I was burning up from being red in the face). It's wasn't pushy it was more like "we all know this is likely to happen even if you two don't know it yet".
'
I think you should tell your mom before she gets together with him or his parents:  'I know you love BF and I have heard you making marriage hints, but I want to tell you The Topic is Not Open Yet.  We are enjoying each other and are certainly not discounting the possibility of things moving in that direction, but it has only been 5 months and I don't want you to scare him off by discussing future plans at this point. I am not ready and I don't want to be put on the spot.  Let's let things progress naturally and I will certainly keep you up to date on anything you need to know. Neither you or anyone else is going to move things along any faster, and quite frankly, any marriage comments might actually slow things down at this point."

poundcake

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1358
Re: It hasn't even been 5 months!
« Reply #6 on: October 01, 2012, 03:40:05 PM »
I was going to say what bopper did, because it's bad enough when she's doing this to you. If she starts with the WEDDINGMARRIAGEGRANDKIDS comments in front of your boyfriend or his parents though, it could cause some serious awkwardness at best. And hurt feelings or insults at worst. Whether you use sarcastic humor or a direct "cut it out" approach, you need to nip her behavior now. Because it doesn't get better with time.
« Last Edit: October 02, 2012, 04:43:07 AM by poundcake »

Carotte

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1195
Re: It hasn't even been 5 months!
« Reply #7 on: October 01, 2012, 03:56:35 PM »
Thanks everyone, all this is really making my mind to say something next time to be sure it doesn't escalate.
Humor will most likely work best, it's just that we never really talk about stuff like that in my family so it's double awkward (and we don't come from a background of marrying young, having kids and all so it's really troubling).

@sweetonsno: You hit the nail with the whole enthusiasm thing, but I know and I do try to keep things in perspective with the whole "I'm super happy but it doesn't mean we're going to end up married or even last long", so it's almost like it's my mom who is going around dreaming things up, yet I was expecting her to actually tell me to keep my feets on the ground and that he's my first serious relationship and not to get ahead and all.

ah, moms  ::)

lady_disdain

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 5948
    • Contemporary Jewelry
Re: It hasn't even been 5 months!
« Reply #8 on: October 02, 2012, 01:04:41 PM »
In your situation, I might even hold off introducing him to the family, until she calms down and acts rationally again. If that isn't possible, I would give the boyfriend a heads up. "Look, Mom is marriage crazy and she might say something nutty. Don't worry about. Can you believe that, the other day, she told me [insert crazy story]." This way, he won't be caught by surprise and he will know that she isn't reflecting your opinions on the matter. I think the surprise accounts for a lot of the freak out in this type of situation.

Sharnita

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 21676
Re: It hasn't even been 5 months!
« Reply #9 on: October 02, 2012, 01:10:02 PM »
Is part of this the fact that she sees sharing a summer house, staying at his place, etc. as having more significance as far as indicators of where the relationship is than you do?  There are some people who would only be doing those things if they believed the relationship was moving toward marriage.  If your mom is one of those then it probably seems like the two of you are sending a lot of nonverbal cues as to what she should expect.

sweetonsno

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1429
Re: It hasn't even been 5 months!
« Reply #10 on: October 02, 2012, 02:54:43 PM »
Thanks everyone, all this is really making my mind to say something next time to be sure it doesn't escalate.
Humor will most likely work best, it's just that we never really talk about stuff like that in my family so it's double awkward (and we don't come from a background of marrying young, having kids and all so it's really troubling).

@sweetonsno: You hit the nail with the whole enthusiasm thing, but I know and I do try to keep things in perspective with the whole "I'm super happy but it doesn't mean we're going to end up married or even last long", so it's almost like it's my mom who is going around dreaming things up, yet I was expecting her to actually tell me to keep my feets on the ground and that he's my first serious relationship and not to get ahead and all.

ah, moms  ::)

I think that's a great way to frame it. "Mom, I know that I'm really excited about (Snookums), but I'm trying to keep things in perspective. I know that we may not wind up together long-term, or heck, even next month, but it can be hard. I'd really rather you helped remind me to keep my feet on the ground and stay in the present rather than encouraging me to get my hopes up."

Ceallach

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 4815
    • This Is It
Re: It hasn't even been 5 months!
« Reply #11 on: October 02, 2012, 10:23:26 PM »
The first time I took my DH home to meet my parents, they pretended to stage a wedding.    I'm serious.    I was 19 and we'd been dating maybe 6 weeks tops.    ::)

I think they were trying to test out his sense of humour, but I was so anxious that they'd scared him off!   Fortunately he doesn't scare easily.

I think your best option is to not over react to their comments.   If you make a *thing* of them they're more likely to become a *thing*.    So try laughing them off or responding with comments like "Don't be silly, we've only been dating 5 months!  Have you tried the beandip?".   So shut it down lightly and change the topic.   
"Nobody can do everything, but everybody can do something"