Author Topic: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place  (Read 51522 times)

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jmarvellous

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Given the previous threads, and I do remember them, you really ought to take your uneasiness with this, and the rest of his behavior, into account.

It's not that staying over with a female friend is (or should be) wrong in all relationships; it's whether it's right for your relationship. And it doesn't sound like the right course for your relationship, at all.

An hour each way on the bus to hang stuff? That's a LOT to ask, but planning dinner and a movie and breakfast ahead of time sounds like planning a date. There's a distinct possibility that he wouldn't need to stay over at all, and planning all that stuff in advance is a lot.

What would he say if you offered to be an extra set of hands so they could get the task done faster (and if you have a car, you could drive, too)? If it's all about getting the chore done, then she should be grateful; if it's about something more, they might resist in strange ways (or they might just want some friend time and resist in a more comfortable, rational way).

Good luck, and really do consider all the times this man has made you uncomfortable and whether you want a life like this for good.

padua

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Ok, I thought I recognized your name, so I went back through your posts to see if I remembered the back story with this guy.

Here's the threads I thought relevant:
http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=111431.0
http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=112742.msg2622375#msg2622375

Given your history (I'm making an assumption that this girl isn't the ex) I would have an issue with him staying. He had issues setting and holding boundaries. That, and you've had issues with him not spending enough time/attention on you. Unless those have been solved, I'd have an issue with it. I'd also wonder if he was closer than he indicated based on the fact that he had to mention to her that he'd be sleeping on the couch.

i totally agree. i understand it's important to be able to trust your partner, but sometimes we should just avoid situations that have the possibility of getting sticky altogether. if there's enough time to catch a movie, there's enough time to find a way home. if it was a matter of helping until really late then sleeping, that's one thing. 'scheduling' a movie creates a lot of gray areas for me, as watching a movie allows for one to get snuggly and lose a few inhibitions. especially if one of the two involved have any sort of feelings for the other person. is he asking you how you feel about it? then i'd be honest and let him know you're uncomfortable with the situation, if that's how you feel.

Giggity

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What you're describing is a date.
Words mean things.

gramma dishes

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^^^ See above for an example of the meaning of the word succinct!   ;D

gramma dishes

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I must confess I'm really curious about something.  What does one hang on (or from) one's ceiling that takes hours to do?  Multiple chandeliers? 

Yvaine

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I don't think this is etiquette, but I think it's mega-fishy.

Moray

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I must confess I'm really curious about something.  What does one hang on (or from) one's ceiling that takes hours to do?  Multiple chandeliers?

Art installation, complex lighting display, love swing?
Utah

cheyne

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TBH, everything you've ever posted about this guy gives me the shiverring hinkies. He seems very intent on having his cake and eating it, too and (to an outsider) appears to be taking advantage of your inexperience with men in both romantic and platonic capacities. I say this as someone who has had a fair few relationships and countless male friends: He ain't on the level. Keep your eyes open.

Quote tree respectfully snipped, bolding mine.

I couldn't agree more with VorpalBunny.  Ultimately it's up to you what you do, OP.  Please make sure you aren't wearing blinders with this BF.  Anything that feels off to you probably is.

DavidH

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Part of me says that if he's known her for almost 20 years, if they were going to get together they would have done so long ago.  I'm not sure why they'd wait until he was dating to do this.

I can also see why saying would you take the bus an hour each way after work to hang something would seem kind of harsh or like using them and such an invitation would almost have to include dinner, particularly if you've been friends with the person for a long time.  The movie seems optional, but I can see how taking a bus home might not be possible based on the schedule, but watching a movie would.

By itself, I see nothing particularly wrong with this and it wouldn't bother me, but taken in context with the other threads, I think there is a pattern here.  I might choose this time to address the bigger issues since that's the real problem here.  This is just one part of whole picture.  Your threads don't describe to me someone who is committed to the relationship.

Judah

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By itself, I see nothing particularly wrong with this and it wouldn't bother me, but taken in context with the other threads, I think there is a pattern here.  I might choose this time to address the bigger issues since that's the real problem here.  This is just one part of whole picture.  Your threads don't describe to me someone who is committed to the relationship.

This is pretty much what I'm thinking.  All by itself,  the situation seems fine, but there is definitely a pattern here that I wouldn't feel comfortable with.
Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one:
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Strong hints don't work.
Really obvious hints don't work.
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SleepyKitty

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I would have no problem with my BF sleeping over a female friend's place in some cases - in fact, I can think of eight different scenarios right off the top of my head that I would be totally fine with. What you're describing, however, might be one of the few situations that I personally would not be okay with. The pre-planned nature of dinner, a movie, and a sleepover is very date-like, the fact that it sounds like you weren't invited to this get-together, and the fact that other options for getting BF home were not considered (cab, catching a ride with you or a friend, maybe planning this on a day when catching the bus home is feasible, etc...), it all sounds really suspicious.

And as for hanging stuff from her ceiling... if she is hanging anything that needs wiring (like a ceiling fan or a chandelier) or anything that's heavy or complicated, I am surprised her apartment complex is letting someone unauthorized do it. In the last  complex I lived in, they were very clear that residents were not to undertake anything more than simple hanging jobs themselves - the complex handyman would come in and deal with anything more complicated to ensure that someone who had no idea what they were doing didn't damage the wiring or the ceiling. So, this sounds kind of like a strange request to me, even though I know my one experience doesn't mean all complexes are like that. What could she possibly have to hang that would take a long time? And if it won't take a long time, why this whole dinner and a movie thing?

The whole situation just feels off to me. I wouldn't be okay with it.

JenJay

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That's also a long way to ask someone to come to hang stuff on a ceiling. 2 hours round trip on the bus? It would seem less weird if he gave the impression that "Friend really wants to hang out" vs. "I am the only person who can hang stuff".

I thought the boyfriend was an hour away from OP, but lived fairly close to his female friend? If he's an hour away from the friend I could see why she'd invite him to crash at her place and fix him dinner, because he'd be doing her a big favor.

bah12

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That's also a long way to ask someone to come to hang stuff on a ceiling. 2 hours round trip on the bus? It would seem less weird if he gave the impression that "Friend really wants to hang out" vs. "I am the only person who can hang stuff".

I thought the boyfriend was an hour away from OP, but lived fairly close to his female friend? If he's an hour away from the friend I could see why she'd invite him to crash at her place and fix him dinner, because he'd be doing her a big favor.

That part was a little confusing in the OP, but I assumed that he must live an hour bus ride away from the friend.  That's the only way the "stay the night if this goes too late" scenario makes even a little bit of sense.  If he lived fairly close to her, I would assume that being there late wouldn't be that big of an obstacle to overcome.  If he's doing her such a big favor, she can provide him some dinner and cab fare and call it good. 

Moray

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That's also a long way to ask someone to come to hang stuff on a ceiling. 2 hours round trip on the bus? It would seem less weird if he gave the impression that "Friend really wants to hang out" vs. "I am the only person who can hang stuff".

I thought the boyfriend was an hour away from OP, but lived fairly close to his female friend? If he's an hour away from the friend I could see why she'd invite him to crash at her place and fix him dinner, because he'd be doing her a big favor.

That part was a little confusing in the OP, but I assumed that he must live an hour bus ride away from the friend.  That's the only way the "stay the night if this goes too late" scenario makes even a little bit of sense.  If he lived fairly close to her, I would assume that being there late wouldn't be that big of an obstacle to overcome.  If he's doing her such a big favor, she can provide him some dinner and cab fare and call it good.

Hmm, I may have read that wrong. However, like bah12 posted, if he doesn't live far from the friend, that raises more questions than it answers.

Quick question, OP, and I hope this isn't out of line, but is this friend by any chance the clingy ex you mentioned in other threads? Just curious.
Utah

JenJay

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That's also a long way to ask someone to come to hang stuff on a ceiling. 2 hours round trip on the bus? It would seem less weird if he gave the impression that "Friend really wants to hang out" vs. "I am the only person who can hang stuff".

I thought the boyfriend was an hour away from OP, but lived fairly close to his female friend? If he's an hour away from the friend I could see why she'd invite him to crash at her place and fix him dinner, because he'd be doing her a big favor.

That part was a little confusing in the OP, but I assumed that he must live an hour bus ride away from the friend.  That's the only way the "stay the night if this goes too late" scenario makes even a little bit of sense.  If he lived fairly close to her, I would assume that being there late wouldn't be that big of an obstacle to overcome.  If he's doing her such a big favor, she can provide him some dinner and cab fare and call it good.

Wouldn't cab fare for a ride of over an hour (and then back for the driver) be really expensive though? If she needs to ask a friend to travel that far to help install something (as opposed to hiring someone) I wouldn't think she'd have the cash for the cab. If the intentions are honest and innocent all the way around it would make more sense for him to stay over and come home on the bus the next day.

OP, is it an option for you to go with your boyfriend and get to know his friend? You and BF will be married someday, and I'm assuming they'll maintain their friendship for years to come, so if she's far enough away that visits include staying over I would think it'd be natural for you to accompany him once you're married. Might as well start now if possible. That is, if you want to go. If you have no interest in getting to know her then it would just look like you wanted to go because you didn't trust them.  :-\