Author Topic: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place  (Read 52074 times)

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Moray

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JenJay, I think bah12 was saying that if he lived close to the friend, *then* cab fare would be reasonable.
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jmarvellous

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That's also a long way to ask someone to come to hang stuff on a ceiling. 2 hours round trip on the bus? It would seem less weird if he gave the impression that "Friend really wants to hang out" vs. "I am the only person who can hang stuff".

I thought the boyfriend was an hour away from OP, but lived fairly close to his female friend? If he's an hour away from the friend I could see why she'd invite him to crash at her place and fix him dinner, because he'd be doing her a big favor.

That part was a little confusing in the OP, but I assumed that he must live an hour bus ride away from the friend.  That's the only way the "stay the night if this goes too late" scenario makes even a little bit of sense.  If he lived fairly close to her, I would assume that being there late wouldn't be that big of an obstacle to overcome.  If he's doing her such a big favor, she can provide him some dinner and cab fare and call it good.

Wouldn't cab fare for a ride of over an hour (and then back for the driver) be really expensive though? If she needs to ask a friend to travel that far to help install something (as opposed to hiring someone) I wouldn't think she'd have the cash for the cab. If the intentions are honest and innocent all the way around it would make more sense for him to stay over and come home on the bus the next day.

OP, is it an option for you to go with your boyfriend and get to know his friend? You and BF will be married someday, and I'm assuming they'll maintain their friendship for years to come, so if she's far enough away that visits include staying over I would think it'd be natural for you to accompany him once you're married. Might as well start now if possible. That is, if you want to go. If you have no interest in getting to know her then it would just look like you wanted to go because you didn't trust them.  :-\

The only thing against the argument that cabs are expensive so that option wouldn't make sense is that she is paying for two meals (and the additional cost to her of a special meal if she'd normally eat simpler or eat in) plus a movie rental plus whatever she bought that needs hanging and maybe a ladder with which to hang it.

JenJay

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JenJay, I think bah12 was saying that if he lived close to the friend, *then* cab fare would be reasonable.

Ah, okay, gotcha. I think I need an extra hit of coffee today. LOL
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The Ricker

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Personally, I cannot see why a personís gender should be a deciding factor re how we meet up/spend time together. I know that other people feel differently. (I also think this may vary depending on people's backgrounds/cultures. I might be seen as a wildly liberal European.)

Try to think about why it makes you feel uncomfortable. If it is because you do not feel secure enough in your relationship, then maybe you need to address that?

Because in these types of situations, the temptation to do what comes naturally always looms.  If the boyfriend takes his relationship seriously, he should avoid this visit and only see the friend in mixed company or in the presence of his girlfriend.  It is not insecure of the gf to be concerned.

TurtleDove

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It is not insecure of the gf to be concerned.

This.  In this case, I would add that the BF has not historically (from what we know on ehell) taken any effort to ensure the OP *does* feel secure.  OP, obviously no one else can make relationship decisions for you, but in my experience, if you feel insecure, something is wrong in the relationship.  In my experience, when I have felt jealous or insecure I had every reason to feel that way because my SO was cheating on me and lying about it.  The solution was to end the relationship because the problem was not that *I* was jealous and insecure - the problem was that I had every reason to be.

Amava

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Personally, I cannot see why a personís gender should be a deciding factor re how we meet up/spend time together. I know that other people feel differently. (I also think this may vary depending on people's backgrounds/cultures. I might be seen as a wildly liberal European.)

Try to think about why it makes you feel uncomfortable. If it is because you do not feel secure enough in your relationship, then maybe you need to address that?

Because in these types of situations, the temptation to do what comes naturally always looms.  If the boyfriend takes his relationship seriously, he should avoid this visit and only see the friend in mixed company or in the presence of his girlfriend.  It is not insecure of the gf to be concerned.

I don't know. To me, it does not "come naturally" to hop into bed with most of my friends. It honestly wouldn't even occur to me.

Now, about the lady who invited the OP's boyfriend. It does seem like she is aiming more for an evening together than for just to get the whateveritis attached to the ceiling. It seems quite possible to me, though, that what she is looking for is some company and a nice evening and morning of chatting and being together as friends. If the person who had invited him was male, would this scenario (hey, come over to help me fix something to my ceiling and watch a movie and crash on my couch so I can treat you to breakfast in the morning so we can chat some more) seem inappropriate?

On the other hand, it is also quite possible that she *is* aiming to win the boyfriend for herself.  So, let her try. This can either result in the boyfriend choosing her. If he does that, then he is not meant for you. Or it can result in him rejecting her and choosing for you

You can't claim people as your own. They have to choose to be with you. 

rashea

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Personally, I cannot see why a personís gender should be a deciding factor re how we meet up/spend time together. I know that other people feel differently. (I also think this may vary depending on people's backgrounds/cultures. I might be seen as a wildly liberal European.)

Try to think about why it makes you feel uncomfortable. If it is because you do not feel secure enough in your relationship, then maybe you need to address that?

Because in these types of situations, the temptation to do what comes naturally always looms.  If the boyfriend takes his relationship seriously, he should avoid this visit and only see the friend in mixed company or in the presence of his girlfriend.  It is not insecure of the gf to be concerned.

I don't know. To me, it does not "come naturally" to hop into bed with most of my friends. It honestly wouldn't even occur to me.

Now, about the lady who invited the OP's boyfriend. It does seem like she is aiming more for an evening together than for just to get the whateveritis attached to the ceiling. It seems quite possible to me, though, that what she is looking for is some company and a nice evening and morning of chatting and being together as friends. If the person who had invited him was male, would this scenario (hey, come over to help me fix something to my ceiling and watch a movie and crash on my couch so I can treat you to breakfast in the morning so we can chat some more) seem inappropriate?

On the other hand, it is also quite possible that she *is* aiming to win the boyfriend for herself.  So, let her try. This can either result in the boyfriend choosing her. If he does that, then he is not meant for you. Or it can result in him rejecting her and choosing for you

You can't claim people as your own. They have to choose to be with you.

Generally I wouldn't have an issue with this situation. My fiance went with his ex (who isn't fond of me) to Boston without me and I was fine with it. But, the boyfriend in this case has shown issues with setting and maintaining boundaries. To me, that makes it harder to trust.
"Manners change, principles don't. It's about treating people with consideration, respect and honesty." Peter Post

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WillyNilly

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Wouldn't cab fare for a ride of over an hour (and then back for the driver) be really expensive though? If she needs to ask a friend to travel that far to help install something (as opposed to hiring someone) I wouldn't think she'd have the cash for the cab.

Well it depends on the area and how many bus stops and the route too.  I commute via bus and it takes (even during off hours) about an hour, plus a 5 minute walk.  But in a cab from the same starting location to my door, is only about 30 minutes and about $35-40 (incl. 20% tip) because the cab takes a more direct route and doesn't stop to let other people on or off like the bus.

bah12

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Personally, I cannot see why a personís gender should be a deciding factor re how we meet up/spend time together. I know that other people feel differently. (I also think this may vary depending on people's backgrounds/cultures. I might be seen as a wildly liberal European.)

Try to think about why it makes you feel uncomfortable. If it is because you do not feel secure enough in your relationship, then maybe you need to address that?

Because in these types of situations, the temptation to do what comes naturally always looms.  If the boyfriend takes his relationship seriously, he should avoid this visit and only see the friend in mixed company or in the presence of his girlfriend.  It is not insecure of the gf to be concerned.

I don't know. To me, it does not "come naturally" to hop into bed with most of my friends. It honestly wouldn't even occur to me.

Now, about the lady who invited the OP's boyfriend. It does seem like she is aiming more for an evening together than for just to get the whateveritis attached to the ceiling. It seems quite possible to me, though, that what she is looking for is some company and a nice evening and morning of chatting and being together as friends. If the person who had invited him was male, would this scenario (hey, come over to help me fix something to my ceiling and watch a movie and crash on my couch so I can treat you to breakfast in the morning so we can chat some more) seem inappropriate?

On the other hand, it is also quite possible that she *is* aiming to win the boyfriend for herself.  So, let her try. This can either result in the boyfriend choosing her. If he does that, then he is not meant for you. Or it can result in him rejecting her and choosing for you

You can't claim people as your own. They have to choose to be with you. 


It's quite possible that she just trying to get an evening with a friend and has no other intentions...but she (or he if that's the case) doesn't need the ruse of "I don't know if the hanging thing will take too long, so let's just plan on having you sleep over."  And, I am a little skeptical on why the BF had to emphasize the "yes, as long as I stay on the couch."  1.  If he's doing that for the OPs benefit, then he obviously understands that this would make her uncomfortable and he should talk to her about it directly.  2. If he had to use that caveat with her, then something is wrong.

In general, I'm not a jealous person and on the surface, I see nothing wrong with two friends of the opposite sex spending so much alone time together.  But, especially given the background, this does seem off.  The OP is clearly uncomfortable and she needs to talk to him about this.  Also, if this is a case where the BF wouldn't be tempted, but there's doubt about the woman's intention, then he needs to  be smart and considerate enough to not put himself in questionable situations with her.  Even though I can never see myself with any man other than my DH, if I knew a male friend had a crush on me, I'd temper our time and purposely not be alone with him for too long. 

As far as etiquette is concerned her BF and his friend are doing nothing wrong.  Etiquette can now help the OP approach her BF about why this bothers her and foster communication between them so they can work out a solution where the BF gets to spend time with his long time friend and the OP is comfortable with the nature of that time and secure enough in their relationship not to question that time.

It's true that the OP doesn't own him and she can't tell him what to do.  But, they are in a long term relationship.  She has every right to talk to him about this and let him know that she's uncomfortable with it and why.  And as her BF, I feel he is obligated to listen to her and help her through this.  If these are things that he says he's going to do his way regardless of how his GF feels about it,  then they don't need to be together.

bopper

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I have not read the background posts.

But the "hang some stuff" seems like the nominal excuse to have him come over.

But then is the dinner/movie/sleepover

A) A thank you for travelling all that way
B) the main point of the evening?


Would he be happy if  you had a long time guy friend who needed help say baking a cake and then you would have dinner, watch a movie and then sleepover and then stayed for breakfast?

This is fulfilling the Emotional Needs of: 1) Domestic Support 2) Recreational Companionship and 3) Conversation and probably also 4) Admiration.  Fulfilling emotional needs  is what we do with people of the opposite sex we are romantically interested in.

If he is really going to "help a friend" then she can hire a handyman.

SamiHami

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Is there some reason why he can't go over there early Saturday and hang her stuff and then return home, therefore eliminating any need for him to spend the night? Perhaps you could go with him and the 3 of you could have a nice lunch together when he's finished helping her.

This has my hinky meter going off big time. Is there some reason it HAS to involve staying overnight? I hate to say it, but I agree with PPs who think he is just not committed to your relationship.

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Amara

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I personally wouldn't have a problem with it (but I didn't read the linked threads). I have always trusted men with whom I was involved and other than a very early experience, it has and remains justified. However, I cannot see why he cannot return home in less time than it takes to watch a movie and have dinner. Or would it be late enough at night that the buses wouldn't be running?

blarg314

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Quote
It's important to trust your partner

I would add a very, very important addendum to that.

"It's important to have a partner you can trust"

If you trust someone who is fundamentally untrustworthy, you will be taken advantage of, and you will get hurt. You may also end up with unexpected debts and/or STDs, depending in what way they are untrustworthy.

If your partner is untrustworthy no amount of surveillance or vigilance can guarantee their good behaviour.

LifeOnPluto

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I personally would NOT be comfortable with DF spending the night at a female friend's place. (Not that he has any female friends, so that's a moot point). Even if she's simply a long term platonic friend, and staying over is something your boyfriend has done often in the past, my view is that things can - and should - change once a person is in a relationship. Now that you're in the picture, I think it was inappropriate that this girl has invited him to stay the night.

As other posters have said, talk to your boyfriend. It's definitely NOT rude to tell him you're uncomfortable with this situation. See if you can both compromise. For example, you could accompany him to his friend's house and stay the night too. Or you could pick him up after he's had dinner with her. Or he could come to her house during the day on Saturday instead, etc.

Allyson

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Hmm...my standard for 'is this weird' in cases like this is 'if it was a male friend, would I raise an eyebrow?' In this case, yeah, I would, a little. If a guy friend wanted my boyfriend to come over on a pretext like that, didn't invite me, expected him to stay, and offer breakfast, I'd wonder what was up.

I'm one of the least jealous people out there as far as this kind of thing ordinarily goes, and something about it seems off to me. I don't think gender should really matter much here, because platonic friends can happen regardless of gender/orientation. I don't really believe in the 'things can happen if it's a guy and a girl, no matter who it is!' But I do believe people sometimes set up situations where they are likely to act on an attraction, if that makes sense.