Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place

[Ceallach]

To me, it sounds as though they want to hang out together and catch-up, and the hanging the item is just a convenient side project.   Otherwise it's a very detailed plan (including dinner, movie and breakfast!) for hanging an item up. 

It's impossible to know whether the way it's been sold to the OP is because she is an insecure girlfriend and he's trying to re-assure her, or because he is a little dodgy and trying to pull one over on her.   I just don't think we have sufficient information.   Re appropriateness, in this day and age there's nothing *wrong* with platonic friends being in the same house overnight.   It's more of a question of relationship boundaries as others have covered so eloquently.

[a]

Personally, I cannot see why a person’s gender should be a deciding factor re how we meet up/spend time together. I know that other people feel differently. (I also think this may vary depending on people's backgrounds/cultures. I might be seen as a wildly liberal European.)

Try to think about why it makes you feel uncomfortable. If it is because you do not feel secure enough in your relationship, then maybe you need to address that?

Because in these types of situations, the temptation to do what comes naturally always looms.  If the boyfriend takes his relationship seriously, he should avoid this visit and only see the friend in mixed company or in the presence of his girlfriend.  It is not insecure of the gf to be concerned.

I don't know. To me, it does not "come naturally" to hop into bed with most of my friends. It honestly wouldn't even occur to me.

Strongly agree with the last comment. I really don't agree that - or even understand the intention/meaning behind - 'the temptation to what comes naturally always looms'. Would that mean that anytime I see a male person on my own there would be a temptation looming? Most of my male friends are my friends b/c we have fun together and have interesting things to discuss. I cannot see why I should have to restrict my discussions about, say, knitting, with them, or force my partner to join me discuss knitting with us when he has zero interest!

To the OP - it seems that there are underlying issues here. I would explain very clearly to your partner how you feel and how it would make you feel if he goes ahead with this. If he still chooses to do that - which is his choice - it is up to you to decide if you think it is ok or if you cannot accept that behaviour, and deal with it from that starting point.

[The Ricker]

Personally, I cannot see why a person’s gender should be a deciding factor re how we meet up/spend time together. I know that other people feel differently. (I also think this may vary depending on people's backgrounds/cultures. I might be seen as a wildly liberal European.)

Try to think about why it makes you feel uncomfortable. If it is because you do not feel secure enough in your relationship, then maybe you need to address that?

Because in these types of situations, the temptation to do what comes naturally always looms.  If the boyfriend takes his relationship seriously, he should avoid this visit and only see the friend in mixed company or in the presence of his girlfriend.  It is not insecure of the gf to be concerned.

I don't know. To me, it does not "come naturally" to hop into bed with most of my friends. It honestly wouldn't even occur to me.

Would that mean that anytime I see a male person on my own there would be a temptation looming?

For the most part, from the male perspective, yes.  It isn't good for a relationship for the male partner to spend one-on-one time with a woman who isn't his spouse/girlfriend (or female relative).  Man is a slavering, ravenous wolf who views most women in a certain spectrum as a potential scrabble partner.  While the degree of intensity varies, the guy discussing knitting with a female "friend"  imagines guiding her out of her clothes and into the sack.  Best not to spark anything--or get out of the relationship first.

[Nora]

Ricker: I hope by all that is fluffy that you are using hyperbole to be funny or something like that. Otherwise I find your last post beyond insulting to the male sex.

[Donovan]

Personally, I cannot see why a person’s gender should be a deciding factor re how we meet up/spend time together. I know that other people feel differently. (I also think this may vary depending on people's backgrounds/cultures. I might be seen as a wildly liberal European.)

Try to think about why it makes you feel uncomfortable. If it is because you do not feel secure enough in your relationship, then maybe you need to address that?

Because in these types of situations, the temptation to do what comes naturally always looms.  If the boyfriend takes his relationship seriously, he should avoid this visit and only see the friend in mixed company or in the presence of his girlfriend.  It is not insecure of the gf to be concerned.

I don't know. To me, it does not "come naturally" to hop into bed with most of my friends. It honestly wouldn't even occur to me.

Would that mean that anytime I see a male person on my own there would be a temptation looming?

For the most part, from the male perspective, yes.  It isn't good for a relationship for the male partner to spend one-on-one time with a woman who isn't his spouse/girlfriend (or female relative).  Man is a slavering, ravenous wolf who views most women in a certain spectrum as a potential scrabble partner.  While the degree of intensity varies, the guy discussing knitting with a female "friend"  imagines guiding her out of her clothes and into the sack.  Best not to spark anything--or get out of the relationship first.

Please tell me you're kidding.

[Fleur]

Personally, I cannot see why a person’s gender should be a deciding factor re how we meet up/spend time together. I know that other people feel differently. (I also think this may vary depending on people's backgrounds/cultures. I might be seen as a wildly liberal European.)

Try to think about why it makes you feel uncomfortable. If it is because you do not feel secure enough in your relationship, then maybe you need to address that?

Because in these types of situations, the temptation to do what comes naturally always looms.  If the boyfriend takes his relationship seriously, he should avoid this visit and only see the friend in mixed company or in the presence of his girlfriend.  It is not insecure of the gf to be concerned.

I don't know. To me, it does not "come naturally" to hop into bed with most of my friends. It honestly wouldn't even occur to me.

Would that mean that anytime I see a male person on my own there would be a temptation looming?

For the most part, from the male perspective, yes.  It isn't good for a relationship for the male partner to spend one-on-one time with a woman who isn't his spouse/girlfriend (or female relative).  Man is a slavering, ravenous wolf who views most women in a certain spectrum as a potential scrabble partner.  While the degree of intensity varies, the guy discussing knitting with a female "friend"  imagines guiding her out of her clothes and into the sack.  Best not to spark anything--or get out of the relationship first.

If it isn't a joke, this post is absurd. Utterly. I am a young woman who has plenty of heterosexual male friends. While I consider myself to be reasonably attractive, I have had my share of boyfriends, I certainly don't think that every man I know wants to jump my bones. It just doesn't work like that. I presume from your post that you are male, it was a little unclear. If so, I don't think that you should presume to speak for all men. If you are female, then you need to rethink your attitude to men, stat.

[bopper]

I think this situation shows that the boyfriend does not have good boundaries.

[Piratelvr1121]

Part of me says that if he's known her for almost 20 years, if they were going to get together they would have done so long ago.  I'm not sure why they'd wait until he was dating to do this.

Not to say it's the case in OP's situation, but DH had a female friend who was only ever interested him when he was not available.  Or when she was available.  It was always when they were both in a relationship that she wanted him. 

I never mind when he's hanging out with most female friends, but the women who tend to get especially flirty with a man that's taken, they bug me. I trust him not to do anything, but it's still annoying.

[Nika]

I've been going back and forth on this in my mind, trying to figure out how I would feel if my fiance was doing this. I was having trouble thinking of him doing it with a female friend, because for whatever reason he doesn't really have those, so I thought: okay, what if it was one of his guy friends? Dinner, movie, staying the night?

And I realized - if he had plans like this with a guy friend, I would tease him for going on a date with his buddy.

[Ticia]

For the most part, from the male perspective, yes.  It isn't good for a relationship for the male partner to spend one-on-one time with a woman who isn't his spouse/girlfriend (or female relative).  Man is a slavering, ravenous wolf who views most women in a certain spectrum as a potential scrabble partner.  While the degree of intensity varies, the guy discussing knitting with a female "friend"  imagines guiding her out of her clothes and into the sack.  Best not to spark anything--or get out of the relationship first.

This is completely inappropriate and insulting. Please don't presume to speak for all men everywhere. You've insulted all of our fathers, husbands, brothers and friends.

Speaking for yourself is fine, but this is so far over the line that it's not even funny.

[Decimus]

I hate to say it, but something here seems off to me.

Now, there may be reasonable explanations for it; for example, the last bus may leave at 8pm, they won't finish until later, and it's not safe/practical to walk home so watching a movie on the tv makes sense.  Or maybe the buses run all night and there's no reason he couldn't just go home.

I will say that when your friend -- of any gender -- reaches the "engagement" point I feel it is incumbent to at least invite the fiance/fiancee.  In this case I'd think the female friend might have said something like "your fiancee is welcome too" or "I'd invite your fiancee but the couch isn't big enough" or something along those lines.

Perhaps I'm unusual but I try and talk to my SO every night, even though she's far away.  How often do you communicate?  Could you say something like "Why don't I call you at 10pm so I know you're okay?"  You may be able to read something from his response, which could be anywhere from "Oh that would be great! I really miss you!" to "Uhhhh... my phone won't work there."

[Moray]

Thanks, Ticia.

I don't think the problem here is that all (or even some) men are ravenous, sex-crazed lunatics walking around in a perpetual state of Pon Farr. The problem is that this guy isn't being quite up front about why he wants to spend the night with his buddy, who happens to be female.

I don't have a problem with men and women spending time together as friends, and I've always chosen relationships where my partner and I have similar feelings on the matter and trust each other to be faithful ('cause, hey, the other people are just friends, so why would fidelity be a problem?)

I do have a problem with someone saying "Oh, I need to go do [x chore] that no one else can possibly do, and *that's* why I'm going out to dinner, grabbing a movie, spending the night and having breakfast with my friend." vs "Friend and I haven't seen each other in a while and we're planning some awesome catch-up time when I go over to do [x chore]." One is honest, and the other one sounds contrived.

[Perfect Circle]

I do have a problem with someone saying "Oh, I need to go do [x chore] that no one else can possibly do, and *that's* why I'm going out to dinner, grabbing a movie, spending the night and having breakfast with my friend." vs "Friend and I haven't seen each other in a while and we're planning some awesome catch-up time when I go over to do [x chore]." One is honest, and the other one sounds contrived.

That's it - I am not remotely jealous and the second scenario would not bother me in the slightest.  But I also expect honesty in my relationship.

[DavidH]

I think this comment, "Because in these types of situations, the temptation to do what comes naturally always looms." is more a reflection on the poster than the world in general.  I disagree with Ricker's comment, but it isn't too much worse other than being explicit rather than discretely worded.  One could also write a similar statement about women being seductresses etc. which would have the same set of problems.

What comes naturally to many people is to be friends, enjoy the person's company, have conversation, participate in platonic activities that both enjoy, etc.  If the only thing that one thinks comes naturally between men and women is scrabble, then I think that's a sorry state of affairs. 

From an etiquette point of view, if you can't talk to your bf or gf about your relationship, something is just wrong.  I would say it's rude to accuse them of cheating or trying to cheat without clear evidence, but not wrong to say something makes you uncomfortable.  For example, if you said, "I can't believe you want to go help her, I just know you'll jump right into bed with her" that seems rude and not productive.  On the other hand, saying, "You going to spend the night makes me uncomfortable, can we talk about it" is perfectly fine. 

[The Ricker]

What comes naturally to many people is to be friends, enjoy the person's company, have conversation, participate in platonic activities that both enjoy, etc.  If the only thing that one thinks comes naturally between men and women is scrabble, then I think that's a sorry state of affairs.

Agreed--in mixed/multiple company, not one-on-one alone with a woman who is not your spouse/partner.  Sure, the guy can do that a couple of times and out of a modicum of respect for his current relationship, stay faithful.  But if the one-on-one's continue to be manufactured and acquiesed to, the existing relationship will fray, if the guy nurtures an attraction for the other woman.  And if that woman is in the guy's spectrum of attractive women, it is bound to happen.Even assuming the other woman resists his advances--the existing relationship is damaged.