Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place

[Moray]

What comes naturally to many people is to be friends, enjoy the person's company, have conversation, participate in platonic activities that both enjoy, etc.  If the only thing that one thinks comes naturally between men and women is scrabble, then I think that's a sorry state of affairs.

Agreed--in mixed/multiple company, not one-on-one alone with a woman who is not your spouse/partner.  Sure, the guy can do that a couple of times and out of a modicum of respect for his current relationship, stay faithful.  But if the one-on-one's continue to be manufactured and acquiesed to, the existing relationship will fray, if the guy nurtures an attraction for the other woman.  And if that woman is in the guy's spectrum of attractive women, it is bound to happen.Even assuming the other woman resists his advances--the existing relationship is damaged.

Dude, are you trolling us or what? You've been told multiple times (by men and women) that your comments are just not on. Speak for yourself if you can't keep it in your pants, but don't paint everyone with the same brush.

[Yvaine]

What comes naturally to many people is to be friends, enjoy the person's company, have conversation, participate in platonic activities that both enjoy, etc.  If the only thing that one thinks comes naturally between men and women is scrabble, then I think that's a sorry state of affairs.

Agreed--in mixed/multiple company, not one-on-one alone with a woman who is not your spouse/partner.  Sure, the guy can do that a couple of times and out of a modicum of respect for his current relationship, stay faithful.  But if the one-on-one's continue to be manufactured and acquiesed to, the existing relationship will fray, if the guy nurtures an attraction for the other woman.  And if that woman is in the guy's spectrum of attractive women, it is bound to happen.Even assuming the other woman resists his advances--the existing relationship is damaged.

Dude, are you trolling us or what? You've been told multiple times (by men and women) that your comments are just not on. Speak for yourself if you can't keep it in your pants, but don't paint everyone with the same brush.

This.

[audrey11]

Apparently I'm going to go way against the grain here, but this sounds exactly like my BFF and I.  We've known each other 20 years and he almost always sleeps over when we're hanging out at my place.  His wife doesn't mind, and is almost never invited.  It's not that she and I don't like each other, but we have such different interests that there's not much to talk about once we're done discussing the weather.  There is nothing untoward going on between my BFF and I.  We've had ample chances before he got married to be together, but since the idea makes both of us throw up a little in our mouths, it's much more like a brother-sister relationship. 

[Moray]

Apparently I'm going to go way against the grain here, but this sounds exactly like my BFF and I.  We've known each other 20 years and he almost always sleeps over when we're hanging out at my place.  His wife doesn't mind, and is almost never invited.  It's not that she and I don't like each other, but we have such different interests that there's not much to talk about once we're done discussing the weather.  There is nothing untoward going on between my BFF and I.  We've had ample chances before he got married to be together, but since the idea makes both of us throw up a little in our mouths, it's much more like a brother-sister relationship.

I don't think that's going against the grain at all. I'd wager that when you're hanging out with your friend, he tells his wife: "I'm going to hang out with audrey11, I'll see you tomorrow.", not "I'm only going over to do a chore that shouldn't take long but I'm not coming home and BTW, I let audrey11 know I'm sleeping on the couch*"

*thereby implying that this isn't the default

[cass2591]

Don't bother to reply to the Ricker anymore because he's left the building.

[MariaE]

Apparently I'm going to go way against the grain here, but this sounds exactly like my BFF and I.  We've known each other 20 years and he almost always sleeps over when we're hanging out at my place.  His wife doesn't mind, and is almost never invited.  It's not that she and I don't like each other, but we have such different interests that there's not much to talk about once we're done discussing the weather.  There is nothing untoward going on between my BFF and I.  We've had ample chances before he got married to be together, but since the idea makes both of us throw up a little in our mouths, it's much more like a brother-sister relationship.

I don't think that's going against the grain at all. I'd wager that when you're hanging out with your friend, he tells his wife: "I'm going to hang out with audrey11, I'll see you tomorrow.", not "I'm only going over to do a chore that shouldn't take long but I'm not coming home and BTW, I let audrey11 know I'm sleeping on the couch*"

*thereby implying that this isn't the default

Exactly. It's all in a) the delivery b) the friendship.

My husband's best friend through 20 years is female. I would not bat an eyelid if he told me that for simplicity's sake, he'd be sleeping over at her place. Heck, I wouldn't even mind if they slept in the same bed! I trust that relationship 100%.

On the other hand, he has another friend where I'd actually probably go so far as forbid it. And if he insisted, I'd seriously be reconsidering our relationship.

OP, only you can say whether this is dodgy or not. If your gut feeling is telling you that it's off, then it is.

[Jones]

There are some women I would be fine with my husband visiting overnight in the situation described. However, there are others I do not trust--I trust DH but I do not trust those women to not sling mud around town. "Ooo, Mr. Jones stayed at my house overnight, and you know what we DID?" I've had my reputation slandered due to similar people, I don't want Mr. Jones slandered the same way.

[Knitterly]

Normally I would say that this is okay.  However, this thread that you started a few months ago combined with your current dilemma sends up some red flags.

It sounds to me like something in your gut is telling you something is out of place.  Listen to your gut! 

Contrary to some other posts, not all guys are dirtbags.  For instance, I would trust my husband to stay in the house of a long time female friend.  However, I have met all of his female friends.  We may not have much in common.  We may not hang out often.  But I've met them and have cultivated my own friendships with them, so there is trust built up on both sides.

If your gut instinct is telling you that this is fishy, it probably is.  Listen to your instincts.  A lot of people don't listen enough to their instincts, even when those instincts are screaming "Red Alert!!"

If your gut instinct is telling you that all is fine, then it probably is.  But if your gut instinct were saying that, I expect you wouldn't be asking for advice here. 

From an etiquette standpoint, there is absolutely nothing wrong or rude in saying "I am not comfortable with that arrangement, as I feel it is disrespectful to our long-standing relationship."  You are not being whiney or controlling in expressing your concerns, so long as you do so politely.  You can even insist that he does not do something, and reconsider your relationship if he does it anyway without being demanding or controlling.

[Reason]

Exactly. It's all in a) the delivery b) the friendship.

My husband's best friend through 20 years is female. I would not bat an eyelid if he told me that for simplicity's sake, he'd be sleeping over at her place. Heck, I wouldn't even mind if they slept in the same bed! I trust that relationship 100%.

On the other hand, he has another friend where I'd actually probably go so far as forbid it. And if he insisted, I'd seriously be reconsidering our relationship.

OP, only you can say whether this is dodgy or not. If your gut feeling is telling you that it's off, then it is.

I don't think forbidding the actions of another adult is on the table in this discussion. It's certainly not polite to do so.

All the OP can do is decide if she's comfortable with the relationship between her boyfriend and his lady friend and act based on that. She can not tell him what to do and she probably shouldn't use ultimatums and threats of leaving as a tool to get her way. As far as the etiquette regarding a man sleeping over at a friend's place, I don't think there is any specific etiquette per se regarding genders.

[bah12]

My take is that the OP is obviously a little uncomfortable, otherwise she probably wouldn't hav asked for advice.  And while I do believe that there are many circumstances and scenarios out there where this would be fine, it doesn't seem like it in this case.

Given the previous posts about this same boyfriend, I doubt I'd change my thoughts, but some things that are still unclear that may change how I personally feel about it.

1.  If the OP has met this friend.  They've been together for over a year and this is a good friend of almost 20 years. So have they met and what is the nature of that friendship/how does the OP fit into that friendship?

2.  What is the real distance between the BF's apartment and his friend's apartment?  Because I would be willing to cut them more slack on the logistics of spending the night if it's an hour bus ride and if the buses stop riding.  If he lives pretty close to her, I think she should offer him cab fare home.

3.  How did the BF approach the OP about this to begin with?  Did he talk to her to get her thoughts on it or did he just inform her that these are his plans.  For instance, did he say "Hey, my buddy called me today and was wondering if I could help her hang some stuff from the ceiling. She's a good friend and I want to help her out.  It looks like the only day that works for both of us is this Friday night.  Unfortunately, going after work means that I might not get done in time to catch the bus back.  She offered me her couch and I want to see how you feel about it.". 

Or did he say:  "Yeah, I can't hang out with your Friday night or Saturday because I'm going over to buddy's house to hang some stuff on the ceiling.  We don't know how long it will take, so I'm just going to spend the night.  But don't freak out, because I'll be on the couch.  We're going to breakfast the next morning too, so I won't be back in town until late morning/early afternoon."

I don't think the latter is how you approach something like this with a person that you are serious enough to discuss marriage with.

4.  And finally, did he explore other options.  Did he consider going over on Saturday instead?  Is there a reason the OP wasn't invited along?  Like, maybe she has plans for Friday and they weren't going to hang out anyway. 

Really, only the OP could answer these and I'd love an update.  It seems that this event is planned for tonight....

[SiotehCat]

I would never allow my DH to sleep at another woman's house.

I think you need to figure out what you are comfortable with and then discuss it with your BF. Every relationship has its own rules.

[Garden Goblin]

There are cases in which I wouldn't mind one bit if my husband called up and said 'hey, it's late, don't want to drive, I'm crashing on XX's couch.'  Ditto where he wouldn't mind one bit if I called up and said, 'hey, it's late, don't want to drive, I'm crashing on XY's couch.' 

I trust my husband implicitly and the reverse is also true, but there are friends we have where this wouldn't be acceptable.  It has nothing to do with my trust level in my husband, and everything to do with my trust level in a particular female - namely, I think she's take it the wrong way, so it's unacceptable.

If he called me up and said, 'I'm hot, Jean and I are going skinny dipping', I wouldn't have an issue either because I trust them both completely.  However, if he called me up and said, 'Val said it's late and I should just crash on the couch', my response would be 'what the hell are you doing at her place without a chaperone, I'm dispatching the FBI hostage negotiation squad!?!!' because I don't trust her one bit and know she would try to create a compromising situation for him.

So, ask yourself, do you trust this particular female friend and are you comfortable with her spending the night with your man?  If so, and you trust him, then it isn't an issue.

If you don't trust her, then it is an issue, whether you trust him or not (at the least, it's a headache you and he both don't need).

And of course, if you don't trust him, it's an issue, but a larger issue than just this particular event.

Frankly, if you can't trust your significant other to be alone with a member of the opposite gender, you should be rethinking the relationship or addressing your own underlying issues.  Trust is vital to a working relationship.

[Moray]

I would never allow my DH to sleep at another woman's house.

I think you need to figure out what you are comfortable with and then discuss it with your BF. Every relationship has its own rules.

OT, but congrats on your recent marriage!

[Winterlight]

I have male friends whom I have invited to crash at my place or at whose places I have crashed. I don't have a problem with it as a general rule.

However, this case sounds weird to me and my hinky meter would be beeping.

[Dr. F.]

I haven't read all of the responses yet, so I hope I'm not duplicative.

I've been trying to put myself in the position of the female friend. For various reasons, I've ended up staying in various places alone with the boyfriends/fiances/husbands of friends. It's never been an issue. Of course, if anyone had made moves, my response would have been astonished horror, and my attitude has been one of calm matter-of-factness throughout, so that may be part of the reason.

If I were the female friend and offered this invitation, it would have been to catch up with male friend, and, probably, because I was worried about him in some way. Particularly in some way I didn't feel comfortable talking about in front of his girlfriend.

Now, that's just me, and doesn't necessarily mean that's what the female friend is thinking, but that's another perspective.