Author Topic: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place  (Read 49657 times)

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C0mputerGeek

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Some thoughts:

1. My "entertainment room" was originally and outdoor patio. Part of the ceiling is cement. I can't hang anything in it myself because it requires a special drill (you cannot use a regular nail on cement). Depending on what needs to be hung from the ceiling (perhaps the mount for a large television?), I can see this taking a while.

2. I know for a fact that the Metro stops running sometime between midnight and 2AM; I believe the bus does too. It goes through a rather sketchy area so anyone who arrived at my home via public transportation might not be able to take the train/bus back home that same day depending on how late they arrived and how long the task took.

3. When someone does a favor for me, I tend to repay them with food. I'll either cook or take them out to dinner.

Having said all that, when I need work done to my home I either do it myself or pay my  handyman to take care of it. In the unlikely event that I needed a friend to take care of it, I'd invite their significant other as well.

blarg314

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I have a lot of platonic male friends. I've had some of them sleep at my place, and I've crashed at their places, for reasons varying from a vacation visit, to not wanting to drive home after a few drinks, to needing a place to stay while finding an apartment. I've also had, by quick count, 20 male roommates as an adult, with relationship statuses varying from single to in a relationship to looking for a relationship, to engaged, to married, to long distance relationship, to divorced.

Not once has any of them behaved in anything but a polite and appropriate fashion as far as sex and romance go.

There are some guys I know who I wouldn't share a room or apartment with, because I wouldn't trust them to behave, or there are complicating factors. For example - a guy with a jealous or controlling girlfriend/spouse, or a situation which involved the guy lying or hiding it from his SO, or who had troubles with alcohol.  I also wouldn't do it in the case of a guy who I knew had feelings for me, because that's asking for a problem. Sharing a room with a platonic male friend
and sharing a room with someone when there is one sided or mutual attraction are very different things.

So no, all men are not slavering wolves completely unable to resist trying to have sex with any woman they happen to be alone with, whether or not that woman is interested in them.

For my husband, in general, I wouldn't have a problem with him visiting a female friend. If I didn't trust him to behave when I wasn't there, I wouldn't have married him. I would, however, reserve the right to veto a particular instance  that made me uncomfortable - the most likely would be a case where the woman was making a play for him, but he didn't realize or notice.

The OP's case, though, is one where she *doesn't* trust her boyfriend to behave properly when visiting his friend, even if she hasn't really admitted that to herself.  And from previous posts, it sounds like that mistrust is realistic, not coming out of thin air.

The big thing will be how the BF reacts if she voices her concerns, though.





LifeOnPluto

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I haven't read all of the responses yet, so I hope I'm not duplicative.

I've been trying to put myself in the position of the female friend. For various reasons, I've ended up staying in various places alone with the boyfriends/fiances/husbands of friends. It's never been an issue. Of course, if anyone had made moves, my response would have been astonished horror, and my attitude has been one of calm matter-of-factness throughout, so that may be part of the reason.

If I were the female friend and offered this invitation, it would have been to catch up with male friend, and, probably, because I was worried about him in some way. Particularly in some way I didn't feel comfortable talking about in front of his girlfriend.

Now, that's just me, and doesn't necessarily mean that's what the female friend is thinking, but that's another perspective.

I think it's a valid perspective. I personally don't think there's anything wrong per se with a Female Friend wanting to see her male friend alone, without his girlfriend present. However, the Female Friend needs to consider what type of catch up activities are appropriate.

Like a couple of previous posters, my rule of thumb is that if you wouldn't do something with a friend of the same gender, you shouldn't be doing something with a friend of the opposite gender. For example, meeting for a Sunday brunch at a cafe is ok. But meeting for dinner on a Saturday night at a fancy, candle-lit restaurant is not.

So I think the female friend in this case wanting to speak to the OP's boyfriend alone - especially if she was worried about him - was ok in itself. But she should have arranged a casual lunch or coffee or something. Not dinner, movie, sleepover, and breakfast all at her house. That's a bit too date-like, IMO.

Mental Magpie

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I scanned through the pages, so I may have missed this, buuuut...my take on, "only if I sleep on the couch" is that "Even though I'm a guest, I won't take your bed even if you insist and make you sleep on the couch.  I'll only do this if you let me take the couch."

Way before Dark Boyfriend and I were dating, he tried to insist on taking the couch while I slept in his bed.  I looked at his 6'2" frame, plainly sized up myself at 5'7", then looked at the small love seat.  I insisted on the love seat because I was shorter and thus would be less uncomfortable. 
The problem with choosing the lesser of two evils is that you're still choosing evil.

greencat

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There aren't really any etiquette rules regarding this.  This is more of a communication issue between the OP and her BF.  While there's nothing wrong with spending time with a friend of the opposite gender, as the OP is not comfortable with the plans, if her BF goes on with them anyway, it's probably a good idea to re-evaluate the relationship.

I think I have a bit of a unique perspective on this one - I've been the female friend a few times.  My relationship with a guy would be completely platonic, and they didn't think anything was wrong with hanging out with me like I was one of their guy friends, but their girlfriends hated me on principle and wouldn't even try to get to know me.  One girl was actually mad enough about it to use it as a reason to end the relationship with my friend.  The general feeling on the part of my friends was that if their girlfriends wouldn't trust them or join us hanging out, which they were always welcome to do, then they shouldn't be dating them anyway.  My friends generally are of the opinion that preventing your boyfriend or girlfriend from hanging out with their friends is a controlling or even abusive behavior.

I think if OP's boyfriend was trying to sneak around, he wouldn't have gone into so much detail about the planned activities - might even have lied about who he was staying with.

shadowfox79

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There aren't really any etiquette rules regarding this.  This is more of a communication issue between the OP and her BF.  While there's nothing wrong with spending time with a friend of the opposite gender, as the OP is not comfortable with the plans, if her BF goes on with them anyway, it's probably a good idea to re-evaluate the relationship.

I think if OP's boyfriend was trying to sneak around, he wouldn't have gone into so much detail about the planned activities - might even have lied about who he was staying with.

Just like to add that this isn't necessarily the case - speaking as someone who cheerfully waved her husband off to meet his best female friend for drinks more than once, and later discovered they'd spent those "drinks" times in the back seat of Friend's car.

SoCalVal

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First, I agree that this is a relationship issue, not etiquette, so what is "proper" depends upon the dynamics of the OP's relationship with her DF.

I discussed this thread with my DF last night, and we found we both felt that the advanced planning of not only sleeping over but the activities for dinner, a movie and breakfast sounded inappropriate (it sounds like helping with the ceiling is an excuse to schedule the date-like activities).  I did point out that our value system as Catholics might be different from those who don't have those rules, but we still found this situation to be questionable.  Neither of us understands why OP's DF can't arrange to take an early bus there, help with the ceiling then take the bus home, even though it's an hour there and back by bus (I used to take three buses to work and back, and it took me about two hours each way starting at 5:15am and getting back home around 6:45pm with a 9-hour workday in between so I'm not seeing why sleeping over is necessary here without more information).

Anyway, my feeling is that what's important here is that the situation bothers the OP so she needs to discuss it with her DF.  We already know from previous threads that her DF has a problem setting acceptable boundaries given he's in a relationship, never mind a serious one, with her.  This situation would bother me for the fact that I'd wonder if it were a precursor of things to come -- e.g. would this friend be expecting/requesting similar help and social activity (and possible sleepovers) in the future?  That would concern me in addition to the idea that anything compromising could occur.  I know from reading other responses that we all have different levels of acceptability for relationships outside of that of the couple, but I wonder how many of us would want someone else to come to expect our SO's to keep coming to his/her aid instead of finding someone else since the first person is now "busy?"  I know I wouldn't worry about a once-in-a-blue-moon thing (like helping someone move into/out of a home), but I'd wonder if the requests seemed a bit frequent (like every month or so).  My DF has had female friends who learned to depend upon his assistance and company before we got together.  Well, he had a lot of free time since he wasn't in a relationship.  Once we got together, though, that free time was no longer available, and more than one person was not okay that he was no longer freely available to them (more than one tried to take it out on me).

Again, my point is I think the OP and her DF need to discuss the matter.  She needs to express to her DF her discomfort with the situation and, maybe, they could figure out a compromise (such as he breaks up the task over a couple of days without sleeping over -- really, if the point is he helps with that task then dinner, movie and breakfast aren't necessary; the OP could also volunteer her assistance as others have suggested).  Should her DF not respond favorably or is unopen to suggestions -- should he be unwilling to put his relationship with the OP first, basically -- then I'd wonder about the future of the relationship.  Again, it could be a precursor of things to come.



Kiwichick

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So how did it go?  Did he stay over?

Nora

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I too would like to know how this resolved itself.
Just because someone is offended that does not mean they are in the right.

Aeris

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Any updates?

Mr Wigglybones

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Coming to this late, but what struck me was that the female friend asked if he could stay over. I certainly believe that men and women can have purely platonic friendships and I believe people can sleep at their male/female friend's place without anything happening. But usually when I've slept over at a friend's place it has been a case of going over there and it getting late and then the friend offers to let me crash the night. Alternately, when inviting me they could say "and if it gets too late feel free to crash over". I guess what's bothering me is that these two have arranged in advance for the BF to stay the night and all this just from hanging someone for the friend. Why can't he just do it the next morning and not spend a night sleeping over?
This all seems rather dubious to me.

I too am curious as to how this all played out and I hope for the OP's sake that our concerns are unfounded.

gramma dishes

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...    and all this just from hanging someone for the friend. Why can't he just do it the next morning and not spend a night sleeping over?


Well, if he's going to go to all the trouble to hang someone for her I think he probably deserves to spend the night and have a free breakfast!!   ;D

JenJay

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...    and all this just from hanging someone for the friend. Why can't he just do it the next morning and not spend a night sleeping over?


Well, if he's going to go to all the trouble to hang someone for her I think he probably deserves to spend the night and have a free breakfast!!   ;D

 ;D   ;D   ;D

Jones

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Who seriously wants to sleep and eat after a hanging? Those things are messy.

 :P  ;D

veryfluffy

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I find this thread amusing because I know at least two people who left their spouses for a "friend" of the same sex.