Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place

[Allyson]

I find this thread amusing because I know at least two people who left their spouses for a "friend" of the same sex.

Yeah, you can't always tell what will happen! The idea that men and women can't be friends only works if you assume everyone is straight.

[Moray]

So, OP, what happened?

[Ki]

For DH and I, overnight hangouts/roommates of either gender aren't a big deal, in large part because of solid trust and communication between us, as well as general philosophical agreement on the matter. We've also met all of each other's close friends, and where needed discussed, set, and enforced boundaries that we felt we needed to be comfortable.

This situation is not strictly laid out in etiquette - it's really between the two of you to decide what's appropriate and out-of-bounds.. As others have said, you need to talk with him to discuss your concerns and the appropriateness of this plan in the context of your relationship. If you're not comfortable, you need to speak up - and he needs to respect your point of view.

Having read your previous threads regarding your boyfriend, I'm concerned that he doesn't seem to consider your peace of mind very often and has issues maintaining boundaries. It also seems that his female friends come up as an issue frequently. If you're discussing marriage then I would expect you to be each other's top priority, or climbing rapidly toward that state. Has he shown you that you come first?

[snugglegirl05]

He ended up cancelling.

However, his long-term female friend & Daniel *the guy she keeps wanting to guy out with, but who does not want to go out with her* would like the 2 of us go out to dinner with them at some point again. 

My boyfriend also would like me to be friends with his female friend.

I would rather have the 2 of us go over to her  place on a Saturday morning to help her hang stuff from her ceiling. She lives in an historic part of town, & I would like for he & I to go for a walk & to go sightseeing after the project is completed. Turns out his female friend does not work. She is on disability.

[Aeris]

He ended up cancelling.

However, his long-term female friend & Daniel *the guy she keeps wanting to guy out with, but who does not want to go out with her* would like the 2 of us go out to dinner with them at some point again. 

My boyfriend also would like me to be friends with his female friend.

I would rather have the 2 of us go over to her  place on a Saturday morning to help her hang stuff from her ceiling. She lives in an historic part of town, & I would like for he & I to go for a walk & to go sightseeing after the project is completed. Turns out his female friend does not work. She is on disability.

Thanks for coming back with an update.

I think it's good that he cancelled, all things considered. I don't see anything wrong with you/BF/female friend/Daniel going out to dinner as a group, not sure what your issue with that is. I also don't see why you can't do that AND go over there on a Saturday morning sometime. Those both sound like perfectly decent ideas.

[gramma dishes]

I agree with Aeris' entire post.

[snugglegirl05]

Thanks for coming back with an update.

I think it's good that he cancelled, all things considered. I don't see anything wrong with you/BF/female friend/Daniel going out to dinner as a group, not sure what your issue with that is. I also don't see why you can't do that AND go over there on a Saturday morning sometime. Those both sound like perfectly decent ideas.

I am just a little nervous going out to dinner with all 3 of them considering that he cancelled.

[SoCalVal]

I am just a little nervous going out to dinner with all 3 of them considering that he cancelled.

What was the reason he gave for canceling?  Is that why you're nervous?

I don't think there's anything wrong with your BF wanting you and his female friend to be friends, but I'd warn him to back off on that -- that if it were to happen, it would happen naturally.

I'd consider the suggestion of dinner a blessing -- to me, I'd see that it's near the end of the day so that reduces the amount of possible time hanging out (bonus if it's scheduled on a worknight).  That's just me, though.  I'm not fond of socializing while DF is so I like to schedule things to have an out if I'm not enjoying meeting new people or feel overwhelmed (I have a bit of social anxiety and get drained by too much social activity).  OR, you could have breakfast together the Saturday morning you're to hang stuff at her place, then hang the stuff and go have your walk, just the two of you (you're going to be around her anyway to do the favor so why not group the activities all on the same day?).

[Nika]

Thanks for coming back with an update.

I think it's good that he cancelled, all things considered. I don't see anything wrong with you/BF/female friend/Daniel going out to dinner as a group, not sure what your issue with that is. I also don't see why you can't do that AND go over there on a Saturday morning sometime. Those both sound like perfectly decent ideas.

I am just a little nervous going out to dinner with all 3 of them considering that he cancelled.

Just an FYI - I had to read this about three times before I realized you were quoting Aeris. I couldn't figure out why you were thanking yourself for updating! 

I'd suggest using the quote feature, or at least italics or something.

[Twik]

I could see the issue with Daniel could be that he's not going to show up, because that would be like dating Friend, and Friend will sulk the entire time. Not a pleasant evening.

[Amava]

He ended up cancelling.

However, his long-term female friend & Daniel *the guy she keeps wanting to guy out with, but who does not want to go out with her* would like the 2 of us go out to dinner with them at some point again. 

My boyfriend also would like me to be friends with his female friend.

I would rather have the 2 of us go over to her  place on a Saturday morning to help her hang stuff from her ceiling. She lives in an historic part of town, & I would like for he & I to go for a walk & to go sightseeing after the project is completed. Turns out his female friend does not work. She is on disability.

That sounds uncomfortable for Daniel, to be pushed into a "double date" with the person he doesn't want to date and another couple. 

I think I'm missing something here, though, what does the fact that she is on disability have to do with anything?

[WillyNilly]

He ended up cancelling.

However, his long-term female friend & Daniel *the guy she keeps wanting to guy out with, but who does not want to go out with her* would like the 2 of us go out to dinner with them at some point again. 

My boyfriend also would like me to be friends with his female friend.

I would rather have the 2 of us go over to her  place on a Saturday morning to help her hang stuff from her ceiling. She lives in an historic part of town, & I would like for he & I to go for a walk & to go sightseeing after the project is completed. Turns out his female friend does not work. She is on disability.

I like a romantic walk through a historic part of town too, but think about this a bit.  Your boyfriend wants you to become friends with his friends - that's an invitation you should take him up on.  Friendships and group outings and parties and such are a big part of some people's lives, and its important to them to be able to share those things with their mate. 

You should go to dinner and make an effort.  And if you go with him on a Saturday don't have him hang the light then immediately drag him off on a walk just the two of you - hang out with his friend for a while.  Being friends with her could be a fun thing for you if you're going to go forward in your relationship.  And if you don't get along with his friends, that's an important thing to know, and think about.

[LifeOnPluto]

I'd make it beers or coffee, rather than dinner. That way it's less like a double date (and less awkward for Daniel!)

Also, if you find that you don't hit it off with the Female Friend, you don't have to hang around for as long.

[snugglegirl05]

Turns out my boyfriends female friend is mad at him because she thinks I would not have liked his going over to her place on a Friday night, hanging stuff from her ceiling, having dinner at her place, watching a movie, spending the night at her place, & then going out to breakfast the following morning.

He chose to give her space to get over the disappointment of his canceling their plans. He has not spoken to her in a while. He told me all of this a couple of days ago.

[Piratelvr1121]

Hmm.  Well I for one wouldn't be comfortable with that and that just has all the makings of "Date Night at home". I guess it could be innocent, but her reaction makes me wonder.