Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place

[gramma dishes]

Turns out my boyfriends female friend is mad at him because she thinks I would not have liked his going over to her place on a Friday night, hanging stuff from her ceiling, having dinner at her place, watching a movie, spending the night at her place, & then going out to breakfast the following morning.

He chose to give her space to get over the disappointment of his canceling their plans. He has not spoken to her in a while. He told me all of this a couple of days ago.

Good for your boyfriend for canceling the plans.  It sounds from her reaction that you (and most of the rest of us) had it pegged.

[SoCalVal]

Hmm.  Well I for one wouldn't be comfortable with that and that just has all the makings of "Date Night at home". I guess it could be innocent, but her reaction makes me wonder.

It makes me wonder, also.  I think BF made the right call by giving his friend space to get over it.

[AustenFan]

I can understand her reaction if they are truly just friends, because she would feel like OP is reading something into it that's not there, ascribing bad motives to her and then pressuring boyfriend to act on those assumed qualities. It would feel like being penalized for something she hasn't done.

That said, I have a bit of a problem with boyfriend telling friend why he was cancelling. In my mind that pretty much kills any chance these two women had of ever being friends, and was a cowardly way of dealing with the situation.

My opinion is influenced by the fact that I've been good friends with many people of the opposite sex, and met one of my best friends through her husband, who I have a (strictly platonic) very close friendship with. I know that some women wouldn't be comfortable with that.

[Acadianna]

My dating days go back 40 years (I understand things may be quite a bit different today), but Friend's invitation sounded very strange to me.  I had close male friends too, but there would be only two situations where I'd have invited any of them to spend the night:  (1) They had drunk too much alcohol to drive home safely or (2) They were from out of town and just needed a place to crash.

It sounds like this Friend is also the Ex from previous threads.  (Ex had cerebral palsy, and Friend is on disability.  Sounds like the same person.)  If I were the OP, I'd have been pretty suspicious that this was an attempt by Ex to get back together with Boyfriend.  Hang a few decorations, dinner, movie, stay over, breakfast -- I'd call that more of a date than hanging out with a friend.

[Fleur]

I can understand her reaction if they are truly just friends, because she would feel like OP is reading something into it that's not there, ascribing bad motives to her and then pressuring boyfriend to act on those assumed qualities. It would feel like being penalized for something she hasn't done.

That said, I have a bit of a problem with boyfriend telling friend why he was cancelling. In my mind that pretty much kills any chance these two women had of ever being friends, and was a cowardly way of dealing with the situation.

My opinion is influenced by the fact that I've been good friends with many people of the opposite sex, and met one of my best friends through her husband, who I have a (strictly platonic) very close friendship with. I know that some women wouldn't be comfortable with that.

I'm sorry, but I can't agree with this. I think that her reaction was unreasonable whatever her stance is: actually, I don't believe that her intentions were platonic. But even if they were, I think it is on her to understand that many, many people are not comfortable with that level of closeness between male and female friends. I would not be happy with my boyfriend going over to see a female friend in that way, unless I knew her very well indeed and trusted her 100%. Otherwise, no can do. If her intentions were honorable, then she had no business getting angry.

[SoCalVal]

I can understand her reaction if they are truly just friends, because she would feel like OP is reading something into it that's not there, ascribing bad motives to her and then pressuring boyfriend to act on those assumed qualities. It would feel like being penalized for something she hasn't done.

That said, I have a bit of a problem with boyfriend telling friend why he was cancelling. In my mind that pretty much kills any chance these two women had of ever being friends, and was a cowardly way of dealing with the situation.

My opinion is influenced by the fact that I've been good friends with many people of the opposite sex, and met one of my best friends through her husband, who I have a (strictly platonic) very close friendship with. I know that some women wouldn't be comfortable with that.

I'm sorry, but I can't agree with this. I think that her reaction was unreasonable whatever her stance is: actually, I don't believe that her intentions were platonic. But even if they were, I think it is on her to understand that many, many people are not comfortable with that level of closeness between male and female friends. I would not be happy with my boyfriend going over to see a female friend in that way, unless I knew her very well indeed and trusted her 100%. Otherwise, no can do. If her intentions were honorable, then she had no business getting angry.

I agree with Fleur.  The understanding friend wouldn't have reacted this way.  If that were me, I would've been sad, but I would've understood and realized the friendship has changed (which is what has happened in the past).  Also, the friend was asking him to spend hours with her doing activities that sound like they would've taken up far more time than the actual favor.  She could've scaled it way back to just the favor.

[AustenFan]

If Friends intentions were honorable she wouldn't have viewed it any differently than a shared chalet style ski vacation, shared hotel concert trip or camping trip. I'm not saying that was the situation here, but since we know NOTHING of friends actual feelings or motivations it seems rude to assume she is trying to date OPs boyfriend when there are actually many situations in which friends would share living space without sleeping together.

I suspect OP would have mentioned if this was an ex as opposed to a friend (because that's very pertinent to the situation) so I'm not willing to make the jump that this is the same person. If if turns out to be then I'll jump sides, overnighting alone with an ex is weird.

Sorry this is disjointed and run-on, I'm on my phone and it's very hard to scroll.

It seems like the majority of posters here are focusing on friends reaction (and kind of villifying her) based on third hand information. That seems very illogical to me.

[Mental Magpie]

I'm with AustenFan on both counts. As Friend, knowing my intentions were innocent, I would feel like OP was judging me without getting to know me; that I unfair and I would be upset with that.

Further, if someone was doin me such a favor, I would be offering him as many things in return to make it less of a burden on him, like a place to crash, dinner, and even possibly breakfast. Until we have actual evidence Friend wants more than a friendship from OP's BF, I'm not quite willing to judge Friend as nefarious just yet.

[Calypso]

I don't know what kind of disability Friend has, but I have known quite a few disabled people who would plan the kind of day/evening she did with no ulterior motives except having some company.

Also, the OP said Friend is interested in another guy---so why assume she's after OP's boyfriend?

[snugglegirl05]

My dating days go back 40 years (I understand things may be quite a bit different today), but Friend's invitation sounded very strange to me.  I had close male friends too, but there would be only two situations where I'd have invited any of them to spend the night:  (1) They had drunk too much alcohol to drive home safely or (2) They were from out of town and just needed a place to crash.

It sounds like this Friend is also the Ex from previous threads.  (Ex had cerebral palsy, and Friend is on disability.  Sounds like the same person.)  If I were the OP, I'd have been pretty suspicious that this was an attempt by Ex to get back together with Boyfriend.  Hang a few decorations, dinner, movie, stay over, breakfast -- I'd call that more of a date than hanging out with a friend.

[snugglegirl05]

It sounds like this Friend is also the Ex from previous threads.  (Ex had cerebral palsy, and Friend is on disability.  Sounds like the same person.)  If I were the OP, I'd have been pretty suspicious that this was an attempt by Ex to get back together with Boyfriend.  Hang a few decorations, dinner, movie, stay over, breakfast -- I'd call that more of a date than hanging out with a friend.

No, this is a different female friend, but they did date in the past.

[LifeOnPluto]

Even if the female friend had strictly platonic feelings towards the OP's boyfriend, I think the onus is still on her to understand that friendships often change once a Significant Other comes on the scene. This is all the more so when the friends are of opposite-gender. It's not a case of your friend's new SO judging you unfairly - it's a matter of the new couple negotiating what boundaries are right for their relationship.

[Frostblooded]

They dated in the past? Was this mentioned upthread? This is important information.

[AustenFan]

I don't believe it was mentioned upthread, which is a shame since it's a very important detail.

[Frostblooded]

Yeah, that IS a very important detail, OP. May I ask why it was left out of the original post?