Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place

[Giggity]

Turns out my boyfriends female friend is mad at him because she thinks I would not have liked his going over to her place on a Friday night, hanging stuff from her ceiling, having dinner at her place, watching a movie, spending the night at her place, & then going out to breakfast the following morning.

She is mad at him for what she THINKS you MIGHT feel? She's holding him responsible for your feelings? That's sort of messed up. Even if your feelings are genuine and well-founded, they are yours, not his, and if she has a problem with them, her problem is with you, not him.

[Ceallach]

Turns out my boyfriends female friend is mad at him because she thinks I would not have liked his going over to her place on a Friday night, hanging stuff from her ceiling, having dinner at her place, watching a movie, spending the night at her place, & then going out to breakfast the following morning.

She is mad at him for what she THINKS you MIGHT feel? She's holding him responsible for your feelings? That's sort of messed up. Even if your feelings are genuine and well-founded, they are yours, not his, and if she has a problem with them, her problem is with you, not him.

I agree.   

I think it's the lack of rationality in her reaction that leads us to suspect she had ulterior motives in her invitation - whether conscious or subconscious.     If it's just a casual, innocent invitation what is there to be so upset about when a friend declines?  (Unless the BF has said something to her that has inflamed the situation and upset her, which we don't know of course).

[greencat]

Turns out my boyfriends female friend is mad at him because she thinks I would not have liked his going over to her place on a Friday night, hanging stuff from her ceiling, having dinner at her place, watching a movie, spending the night at her place, & then going out to breakfast the following morning.

She is mad at him for what she THINKS you MIGHT feel? She's holding him responsible for your feelings? That's sort of messed up. Even if your feelings are genuine and well-founded, they are yours, not his, and if she has a problem with them, her problem is with you, not him.

I agree.   

I think it's the lack of rationality in her reaction that leads us to suspect she had ulterior motives in her invitation - whether conscious or subconscious.     If it's just a casual, innocent invitation what is there to be so upset about when a friend declines?  (Unless the BF has said something to her that has inflamed the situation and upset her, which we don't know of course).

Turns out my boyfriends female friend is mad at him because she thinks I would not have liked his going over to her place on a Friday night, hanging stuff from her ceiling, having dinner at her place, watching a movie, spending the night at her place, & then going out to breakfast the following morning.

She is mad at him for what she THINKS you MIGHT feel? She's holding him responsible for your feelings? That's sort of messed up. Even if your feelings are genuine and well-founded, they are yours, not his, and if she has a problem with them, her problem is with you, not him.

I agree.   

I think it's the lack of rationality in her reaction that leads us to suspect she had ulterior motives in her invitation - whether conscious or subconscious.     If it's just a casual, innocent invitation what is there to be so upset about when a friend declines?  (Unless the BF has said something to her that has inflamed the situation and upset her, which we don't know of course).

Moreover, a woman who the OP's boyfriend dated in the past is upset because his current girlfriend might not like him doing extremely boyfriend-y things with her - dinner, movie, helping out with the house, an overnight stay, breakfast together...

Admittedly, I've been the ex girlfriend in that situation, but I wasn't mad at the new girlfriend for not liking the idea - because my relationship with my ex had been over for a decade and we'd been purely platonic friends since then.  I was also his place to crash when he came down to use his theme park pass - it was more of an established "he comes down, he sleeps on the couch, we go to the park together" kind of arrangement than a special night out.

[snugglegirl05]

Yeah, that IS a very important detail, OP. May I ask why it was left out of the original post?

Because it happened a while ago.

[rigs32]

Yeah, that IS a very important detail, OP. May I ask why it was left out of the original post?

Because it happened a while ago.

But that fundamentally alters their relationship forever.

There's a woman my SO has had to pull back from.  They were very close friends and played Scrabble a couple times while neither was dating anyone else, but not many people know that.  Some mutual friends questioned why I was so stand-offish with her - she is very affectionate.  As soon as I shared the bit about the Scrabble, their view changed and they thought she was acting inappropriately and trying to make her territory.

[Mental Magpie]

Yeah, that IS a very important detail, OP. May I ask why it was left out of the original post?

Because it happened a while ago.

But that fundamentally alters their relationship forever.

There's a woman my SO has had to pull back from.  They were very close friends and played Scrabble a couple times while neither was dating anyone else, but not many people know that.  Some mutual friends questioned why I was so stand-offish with her - she is very affectionate.  As soon as I shared the bit about the Scrabble, their view changed and they thought she was acting inappropriately and trying to make her territory.

I, on the other hand, have been friends with mutual friend only a few years longer than I've been friends with Mental Boyfriend, and Mental Boyfriend considers mutual friend one of his best friends.  I had a friends with benefits phase with mutual friend for a few weeks before I started dating Mental Boyfriend.  We are all still really good friends and none of this has ever come between any of us, not once.  I, personally and honestly, do not think them having dated in the past is important at all, and only biases people towards Friend when it isn't necessary.

[Piratelvr1121]

DH reconnected with a high school girlfriend a few years ago via fb and they caught up.  They had a friendly split, one of those "we're better friends than as a couple" breaks.  At first she was very reluctant to meet with me and I kept asking DH "what's up with that?" He said he wasn't sure, then finally he said "She's worried you won't like her because she's my ex."

I shrugged and said "Why should I not like her? You two broke up for a reason, right?" So finally he got her to come over and she and I got along just fine.

[rigs32]

I can agree that the two people can go back to being friends, but it doesn't remove the fact that there was once a higher level of intimacy.  A level that I think all future partners should be entitled to know about.  I don't think it's a deal breakers, but in watching How I Met Your Mother last night, I probably would have had the same reaction as Quinn.

[TurtleDove]

I, on the other hand, have been friends with mutual friend only a few years longer than I've been friends with Mental Boyfriend, and Mental Boyfriend considers mutual friend one of his best friends.  I had a friends with benefits phase with mutual friend for a few weeks before I started dating Mental Boyfriend.  We are all still really good friends and none of this has ever come between any of us, not once.  I, personally and honestly, do not think them having dated in the past is important at all, and only biases people towards Friend when it isn't necessary.

But here you are all friends, and presumably you are not ditching your BF to go sleep over at mutual friend's house.  It's apples to oranges.

[Mental Magpie]

I, on the other hand, have been friends with mutual friend only a few years longer than I've been friends with Mental Boyfriend, and Mental Boyfriend considers mutual friend one of his best friends.  I had a friends with benefits phase with mutual friend for a few weeks before I started dating Mental Boyfriend.  We are all still really good friends and none of this has ever come between any of us, not once.  I, personally and honestly, do not think them having dated in the past is important at all, and only biases people towards Friend when it isn't necessary.

But here you are all friends, and presumably you are not ditching your BF to go sleep over at mutual friend's house.  It's apples to oranges.

Where does it say that the OP's BF is ditching her?  (Seriously, I may have missed it; I just did a brief look through the entire post and still missed it, but I admit I didn't skim very well).  I think it's wrong for the BF to ditch the OP regardless of for whom; for an ex makes no difference to me.

[Moray]

I, on the other hand, have been friends with mutual friend only a few years longer than I've been friends with Mental Boyfriend, and Mental Boyfriend considers mutual friend one of his best friends.  I had a friends with benefits phase with mutual friend for a few weeks before I started dating Mental Boyfriend.  We are all still really good friends and none of this has ever come between any of us, not once.  I, personally and honestly, do not think them having dated in the past is important at all, and only biases people towards Friend when it isn't necessary.

But here you are all friends, and presumably you are not ditching your BF to go sleep over at mutual friend's house.  It's apples to oranges.

Where does it say that the OP's BF is ditching her?  (Seriously, I may have missed it; I just did a brief look through the entire post and still missed it, but I admit I didn't skim very well).  I think it's wrong for the BF to ditch the OP regardless of for whom; for an ex makes no difference to me.

Well, he didn't end up going, but the original plan was for him to go have a special date/sleepover with what is apparently his former GF. He didn't go, but is now telling the OP that the friend who wanted the sleepover is mad at her, the OP, for not letting him go have happy snuggle fun time.

Really, Mental Magpie, your situation with Mental Boyfriend and your Mental Mutual Friends is pretty different than snugglegirl's.

[Zilla]

OP I am glad it worked out but that is a telling sign about how she is mad at you. 


And sorry but am I the only one that reads Mental and think of something well Mental?

[greencat]

OP I am glad it worked out but that is a telling sign about how she is mad at you. 


And sorry but am I the only one that reads Mental and think of something well Mental?

Nope - I was going to comment that The Poster Formerly Known as Dark Magdalena should consider calling her people "Magpie" Mother, Boyfriend, etc, because for a second there I thought "She has a crazy boyfriend?"

[Mental Magpie]

OP I am glad it worked out but that is a telling sign about how she is mad at you. 


And sorry but am I the only one that reads Mental and think of something well Mental?

Nope - I was going to comment that The Poster Formerly Known as Dark Magdalena should consider calling her people "Magpie" Mother, Boyfriend, etc, because for a second there I thought "She has a crazy boyfriend?"

Haha, that's why I did it though!    I may be the only one to find it funny, though, so maybe I should change it...

[Zilla]

OP I am glad it worked out but that is a telling sign about how she is mad at you. 


And sorry but am I the only one that reads Mental and think of something well Mental?

Nope - I was going to comment that The Poster Formerly Known as Dark Magdalena should consider calling her people "Magpie" Mother, Boyfriend, etc, because for a second there I thought "She has a crazy boyfriend?"

Haha, that's why I did it though!    I may be the only one to find it funny, though, so maybe I should change it...

Nah keep the name.  You can just leave off mental and just call them your boyfriend or mother or father.  I think most people will figure it out that they are yours.