First time poster here. I really would like advice on a situation with a childhood friend of mine. I'm kinda expecting to be told that I'm the one with bad etiquette in this but still, I'll take my medicine if need be. Etiquette has become a new obsession with me as I'm pretty socially awkward, as well as impulsive, and goofy (in general). I often regret things in hindsight.
BG: Known "Jackie" ever since the age of 5/6. We grew apart as teens/early adults but I found her again on Myspace 4 yrs ago and we speak on the phone several times a week ever since. DH, our 3 children, and I were living in a very cramped place for 10 yrs and were desperate to buy a real house in the country. Finally 2 yrs ago, it did happened and we are happy here. Before moving, I lived a mere 20 mins from Jackie and now I live an hour away.
This is the issue: She STILL has not ever come out here to visit the home we've been wanting for so long. It's been 2 yrs. I have invited her so many times in that span of time. I have been out to her place about 6 times since we've moved. Any time I bring it up, it's always "You live too far". Yet she's taken several roadtrips during that time.
Some more BG: She has Lupus. A very terrible affliction. I do not underestimate how much of an ordeal that is. Any time I've tried to set a Sat or Sun for her to come by (she works Mon-Fri), she says "It depends on how I feel that day". Of course, I'm understanding of this.
About 2/3 months ago we had discussed her coming by that Saturday. I'd cleaned my home and everything. She said she'd call in the morning to let me know. She also knew that if she wasn't coming over, I had backup plans with my mom so I needed to know. She didn't call that morning by a reasonable time, so I finally called HER bc my mom was wondering what was going on.
Me: "Are you coming over?"
Jackie: "No, we're at the mall about to watch a movie with my mom and step-dad and my daughter."
Me: Shocked "ok" and I just let it go.. like a doormat.
My mom was appalled and thought it was so rude of Jackie. But, I was so used to this breaking of plans w/o even letting me know. I decided I would no longer invite her over anymore and let it be her idea. I also wanted to pull away from her some bc I was very hurt by all of this.
Didn't last long. I brought it up again and jokingly (not so jokingly) said: "I won't be coming to your place until you come to mine." This is where I think I may have committed my f aux pas and become very pushy. Kinda reverted back to childhood: "By whhhhy won't you come over?" She kinda blew that off until early June she had her daughter's bday pool party and wanted us to come. She was rushing to come over here the previous weekend so that I would come to her party (I would have come anyways bc of my kids being excited for it) but something happened. Oh yea, my youngest was sick to her stomach and I wasn't sure why so I didn't want to expose Jackie who has Lupus to that. Turns out it was something that only affected youngest and not a virus so we went to the party the following weekend after all.
As we were leaving the party I jokingly said, "Alright Jackie, next weekend bring your daughter to my
house". She said she would really try and seemed to feel some guilt.
Something came up again (I guess, she never really said what other than she was sleeping and going to movies with her husband) .. and again repetitively over the next few weekends. Two weeks ago I said, "Alright Jackie, Saturday or Sunday (meaning this weekend that just passed) you're coming over right?" Jackie: "yes, if I'm feeling up to it." Of course, she never brings it up in that time so finally Wednesday rolls around.. "Jackie, you think you're coming over Saturday?" **Just so you know, I'm not calling her up about this and harassing her. She'll call me for normal day to day chatter and I bring it up** Again she says, she will see. Friday morning I call. She's having a stomach episode and I could tell she was feeling pretty bad. She asks if she can call me back, I say sure and haven't heard from her since. Today, I got a bit worried that she could be in the hospital so I called to check on her. Doesn't answer her phone. A few mins following I see she's been on FB diddling around. Yea, I knew she was sick, but no call to confirm she's not coming over say Friday night/Saturday morning. I mean, I can deduce that's she's not coming bc she's sick, but isn't that rude?
Now, I'm just feeling like I've been taken for granted. She makes time for all other things like gambling trips and other trips and hosting parties at her home. Otherwise, I'd be more likely to put it all off on the Lupus and be more understanding.
My new (old) thought is to not bring it up again and to pull away again and really stick to it this time. She calls me several times a week but maybe it's out of boredom. Maybe I care a lot more that her. I'm more inclined to stick it out with her bc of our long history. How many people are still pals with a friend from age 5? Not that I'm considering ending the friendship but, some people in my place would, I feel.
How would you handle this? I know this has turned into more of a friend issue than etiquette but at this point I want to know from a 3rd party. Do I confront or drop the subject entirely. When I think of it, I wonder if there is some reason she doesn't want to come over and doesn't want to say what that reason is.
And yea, I realize I'm coming off totally needy. Only child here. Friends are my siblings. I project high expectations/ideals onto them bc they are my family.
So, I'm very insecure and confused about this. And sad, of course.