General Etiquette > Life...in general

Friend standing me up regularly. UPDATE post#58

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NutellaNut:
I have a host of auto-immune diseases and sometimes have to cancel plans I've made with friends.  99 times out of 100, I either phone or email the friend to let them know, as far in advance as possible.  It's just the right thing to do.

I agree with TheVapors and Nyachan that this friend doesn't seem to want to exert the effort to see you, and you need to evaluate your friendship and decide if you want to continue to the do the heavy lifting for it.  If you want to have a conversation, I like secretrebel's wording.

sevenday:
I get the whole disease-controls-you thing, I do.  But when she makes a plan to come see you, and then decides to go to the mall and a movie instead with other people, it says she's feeling well enough to do these other things, and prioritizes them over you.  I wouldn't much enjoy a two hour round trip drive, either, but if I had a friend I truly enjoyed being with, I would make the sacrifice to do so if and when the occasion permitted. 

Frankly, she does not value this friendship as much as you do.  I would stop making efforts to drive down there to see her.  Your children like each other, yes, but at this stage, it's the parents that permit visits.  Encourage them to write to each other (paper letters or emails, depending on their ages) but explain to your kids, if they ask, that it's just not working out anymore for you to drive down there very often.  If she asks why you are no longer visiting, tell her that the two-hour roundtrip is difficult for you to plan for, too, so you're reluctantly focusing your time and energy on things closer to home.  I would just let this friendship go, unless she begins to make more of an effort to reach you. 

On the other hand, if she is otherwise in contact with you frequently and expresses interest in your welfare, etc - and just is not meeting face-to-face, perhaps you should let go of THAT part of the relationship and go to phone-and-online only. 

Piratelvr1121:

--- Quote from: sevenday on July 23, 2012, 09:01:26 AM ---I get the whole disease-controls-you thing, I do.  But when she makes a plan to come see you, and then decides to go to the mall and a movie instead with other people, it says she's feeling well enough to do these other things, and prioritizes them over you.  I wouldn't much enjoy a two hour round trip drive, either, but if I had a friend I truly enjoyed being with, I would make the sacrifice to do so if and when the occasion permitted. 


--- End quote ---

POD.  Me too. Frankly it tends to annoy me when I hear of someone taking a friend for granted like that. Yes an hour's drive is long, especially as a round trip, but for a good friend it's totally worth it.  I wish either of my closest friends were that close to me geographically but alas the closest one to me is about 900 miles from me.  I wouldn't mind driving 2 hours even for a really good friend. 

I think I'd be re-evaluating this too, as I'd be really hurt if a friend stood me up to go to a movie with someone else and left me hanging.

BarensMom:
Pumpkin Spice, I feel for you.  I have "friends" that live 5 miles away that can't seem to cross the insurmountable barrier known as a toll bridge for me.  My advice to dial way back with this woman, since it seems to be a one-way friendship.  Don't call her, don't make any plans with her, and start being "busy" when she calls.  I understand being controlled by illness, but deciding to ditch you to go to the mall is unforgivable.  Yes, you've known her since you two were 5, but it doesn't excuse the fact that she is being rude and is taking you for granted.

lowspark:
She doesn't want to come over to your house. Period. She's made that clear. The fact that she doesn't even bother to confirm or decline by the day, and that she made other plans which communicated that she didn't give a flip about your invitation, indicates a lack of respect and esteem for you.

Now, do you want to continue being friends with her in light of this, knowing that whenever you see each other, it will be up to you to make the journey to her? If not, I can't say I blame you as I know people like that who feel that everyone should come to their side of town and they don't feel any obligation to reciprocate. If you do want to continue the friendship, then just resign yourself to the fact that she's not coming over and quit inviting her.

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