Nutty 'friends' on Facebook

[RebeccainGA]

This is another one of those potentially derailing convos, so I decided to stick it in a new topic. I've got a Facebook friend (I'd call her a very casual accquaintance in real life - we were in college together, in the same major, but were and are not close). She does live in the same city as me, now - since I've moved back to the Atlanta area. She is one of two 'friends' I've got on Facebook that my DP calls 'canaries in the coalmine' - people with views so far off the other side of the spectrum from me that they aren't even in the same realm of reality, who I honestly keep on my Facebook just because I'd like to know who wants to show up on my doorstep with pitchforks and shotguns. One of these 'canaries' isn't so far off the edge - we actually communicate occasionally, even though she's of a mindset and church that believes people 'like me' are evil and need to change (but she's honestly said "but you're not LIKE those people, really!" to me). Her, I can handle - I just stick to our recipes and craft topics, which are fun and neutral. This problem relates to the other canary - the truly scary one.

She posts, regularly, on topics that affect me. Topics like why my marriage shouldn't ever be legal, why my family shouldn't ever be recognized, why I should be locked up for who I am (seriously!). She does this knowing full well who I am (and I've been open about this since the day she met me - this isn't something I've hidden). I am VERY tempted to say something on these rants of hers - and haven't, because it's her space, and I am a visitor not the owner. However, it makes me really, really uncomfortable not to say something when she posts something that's blatently WRONG, not just ill-informed or opinion-based (she posted something about men that are in my category being child molesters, every one of them - something that is not only wrong but can be proven, with massive amounts of data, and has been a very harmful wrong belief for decades). Is it impolite for me to say "look, this is the study that proves you were misinformed" and link to some fact-based correction of her crazy? I know I don't have much chance of changing her mind, nor is that my goal - but I hope that maybe by correcting her that others that see her posts will realize just how off the edge this woman is. Am I overstepping? If it wasn't something so blatent and crazy I'd say 'whatever' and move on, but this is something that pretty directly affects me.

[Judah]

I honestly don't know why you don't defriend her. Trying to point out factual errors to her won't change her mind because your proof will be biased (in her view). She believes what she believes.

[Jones]

You won't be able to convince her of anything, I'm sorry. Some people believe something, grow up and grab friends who believe the same thing, and outright reject anything that doesn't support that belief.

I had a FB friend like this, but about different issues. I ended up defriending her. I think there's been a little fallout, but it hasn't been horrible enough that anyone has brought it to my attention. If your FB friend is really getting to you, I encourage you to her, or block her posts. You don't deserve to read hate posts directed at you/your lifestyle.

[TurtleDove]

I honestly don't know why you don't defriend her. Trying to point out factual errors to her won't change her mind because your proof will be biased (in her view). She believes what she believes.

This.  Either learn to ignore it, or defriend her.  You won't change your mind, and you will add stress to your life trying.

[O'Dell]

? I know I don't have much chance of changing her mind, nor is that my goal - but I hope that maybe by correcting her that others that see her posts will realize just how off the edge this woman is. Am I overstepping? If it wasn't something so blatent and crazy I'd say 'whatever' and move on, but this is something that pretty directly affects me.

I highly doubt that you'll convince anyone else that might read it. Most people seem to have made up their mind on this topic and facts posted by a random person on FB won't change that. I think it would be a fruitless effort on your part.

Overstepping? Not sure. I don't think it's rude for people to post corrections, but if she's as nutty as you say, it's almost picking a fight with her.

[Queen of Clubs]

I'm sorry, OP, I've got to agree with the others.  I think you should defriend this woman and even block her if she continues to insult you.  She's not a friend.

Edited to answer your actual question about refuting her statements.  I don't think there's any point.  If she's that biased that she'll believe all the stuff she's posting, you posting studies that show how far off the truth she is just won't be acceptable to her.  And I suspect that all of her friends either agree with her or are already aware of how bigotted she is.

[Sharnita]

It sounds like you are able to look at this person in a detached way and observe her statements from an almost clinical perspective.  On the other hand, it seems like she actually does loke you even though she might not respect who you are in the abstract.

I am not sure I would defriend.  You give a human face that she likes and respects to a group of people she otherwise doesn't really know or understand.  She might never come to a full understanding or agreement with you but being friends with you certainly seems to be a step in the right direction.

I do think that when she posts something that accuses innocent men of being child molestors it is ok to post a link to academic studies on that subject.  I would just say something like - "The University of X did an interesting study on that - here is the link with their findings" or "The AMA published their most recent studies on that three years ago - here is the link"

[Loruaus]

I agree with the above posts.

When someone is so unhinged with reality, being practical and using logic will not help - their thought process is already well beyond plausable reasoning.
Anything you write or any proof you present that goes against the core ideals of this person will immediently be dissmissed as lies and bias, after all according to this persons own rantings you represent everything bad and evil about the world and nothing that comes from you can be trusted or believed.

I am sure this person has plenty of people on their firends list who think her point of view is batpoo crazy but dont say anything because they choose not to engage the crazy. Posting for the sake of those people will be a waste of time, they already agree. Posting for anyone who has a similar belief system to the poster....... Dont engage the crazy!
There is nothing you can post that will change the point of view of someone who has such unreserved devotion to their point of view.

What do you think will happen if you post a rebuttal? The people who have stayed quiet about this issue will likely remain silent, while the people who have strong feelings will come onto the post in attack mode. There is nothing good that will come out of posting on this persons page.

One of the handiest tips you will get off this forum for dealing with toxic people is to remember you cannot control what other people do or think, you can only control your reactions to them.

By letting this person make you angry you are giving her power over you. So stop giving her your headspace, take back your sanity and delete her off your facebook. She isnt worth your time so stop giving it to her.

[still in va]

By letting this person make you angry you are giving her power over you. So stop giving her your headspace, take back your sanity and delete her off your facebook. She isnt worth your time so stop giving it to her.

this is one of the comments on this board that is speaking to me the loudest.

Rebecca, you've had enough stressful things going on the last few months. you didn't have control over most of them.  this you have complete control over.  take it.  if she's posting these things on her FB page and they're showing up on yours through the newsfeed, unsubscribe from her newsfeed.  if she's posting them to your FB page as comments to your posts, delete her comments, block and unfriend.

[Piratelvr1121]

By letting this person make you angry you are giving her power over you. So stop giving her your headspace, take back your sanity and delete her off your facebook. She isnt worth your time so stop giving it to her.

this is one of the comments on this board that is speaking to me the loudest.

Rebecca, you've had enough stressful things going on the last few months. you didn't have control over most of them.  this you have complete control over.  take it.  if she's posting these things on her FB page and they're showing up on yours through the newsfeed, unsubscribe from her newsfeed.  if she's posting them to your FB page as comments to your posts, delete her comments, block and unfriend.

POD.  Unless you have a real need to go into a mine anytime soon, you don't really need that canary.

[RebeccainGA]

Thanks, y'all - I think I may just ignore her for the moment, and hide her posts. She's friends with a ton of my friends, and I've got a sneaking suspicion she'll use my defriending her to her advantage, conversationally - and since we may bump into each other at alum events now that we're in the same area, I'd rather not have that insanity. I agree, though - as much as I am (sometimes to my detriment) fascinated with the insanity, it's not good for me.

[weeblewobble]

I honestly don't know why you don't defriend her. Trying to point out factual errors to her won't change her mind because your proof will be biased (in her view). She believes what she believes.

Exactly.  Casual acquaintanceship doesn't give someone the right to use the internet as a club with which to beat the tar out of you.

[SuperMartianRobotGirl]

I have defriended people for posting this stuff and I'm not even in that category. Just defriend her and save yourself some heartache. I would tell her why, too, personally. I told the person I defriended over this why. "It makes me too upset to read your frequent posts about (subject), so I've taken you off my list of Facebook friends." She can have her own opinions, and I won't try to force her to change, but I don't have to read them.

[Moray]

Given that you're not going to de-friend her, I would hide her from your feed. If you are in the mood to look at what she's posted, you can go to her page.

I get where you're coming from. I have a couple of FB friends who are quite-rabidly on the opposite side of the political spectrum. I like to keep tabs on them and their ravings, but I don't like being blindsided with their hate.

[Loruaus]

Assuming facebook is the same world over then you also have the option of reporting the post as a hate speech.

Im in oz and I just did a quick check using a friends post (no I didnt actually report it!)
If I clicked the drop down arrow on the right of the post it gave me the option to report the story or spam. It automatically marked it as spam but left up a link marked if this story is abusive please file a report, if you click on that then it gives you more options - one of them being Hate Speech.