Questions on inviting one half of the social unit update post 69

[jpcher]

Does Michael have a friend-that-is-a-girl (you said he was single, so I assume no girl-friend) that would enjoy a night of girl-chat with Olivia?

What about your mom? Is she available to maybe watch a movie with Olivia (in the same room?)

Or maybe invite one or two of the other bridesmaids. Set up a separate game table for them to play cards or whatever.

Make it more of a friend get-together instead of a strictly Risk night. Would something like that work?

[Hillia]

I don't think one should ever invite only half of a social unit, unless it's for some girls/ boys only activity.

As far as I know, the etiquette rule about social units is not limited to formal events only.

I would definitely be distancing myself from anyone that tried to do that to me or my DH.

The intent is not to drive a wedge between the couple.  I get the impression that Paul's wife would be more than welcome, and has in fact been invited several times in the past, but insists on behaving like a spoilt 5 year old ('Look at meeeeeeeee!  Aren't I cuuuuuuuute?') to the detriment of everyon elses's enjoyment, and refuses to correct her behavior after multiple requests.  Anyone who behaved like this would be distanced right out of my social circle.

[Amava]

You say that the reason why you want to have a get-together is that you are moving off in a few weeks.

And you say that you like Olivia (apart from her annoying clinginess to Paul). She is your friend; you were her bridesmaid.

You also make it obvious that Olivia does not like to play Risk, has no interest in it at all.

So my question is: is Risk the best option for an activity for this get-together-before-you-move-off?
What is your main focus that you want, what is the priority. Do you want a "last chance at playing Risk with a few people" before you move, or a "last chance to get together with them" before you move?

[O'Dell]

I don't think one should ever invite only half of a social unit, unless it's for some girls/ boys only activity.

As far as I know, the etiquette rule about social units is not limited to formal events only.

I would definitely be distancing myself from anyone that tried to do that to me or my DH.

It's not the formality of the event that determines whether the social unit rule is applied. It's whether the event is geared toward couples or not. This event is not. It's a group of people who like to play a specific game. Theoretically there is nothing wrong with inviting only risk players regardless of their relationship status.

And Sio...you know that you are at the extreme end of the bell curve on this topic right? And your reasons for that are based on your own reasoning and seem to have little to nothing to do with the etiquette of the situation. That decision is between you and your husband. I respect that. But that view isn't relevant for the vast majority of people who post here.

[SiotehCat]

I don't think one should ever invite only half of a social unit, unless it's for some girls/ boys only activity.

As far as I know, the etiquette rule about social units is not limited to formal events only.

I would definitely be distancing myself from anyone that tried to do that to me or my DH.

It's not the formality of the event that determines whether the social unit rule is applied. It's whether the event is geared toward couples or not. This event is not. It's a group of people who like to play a specific game. Theoretically there is nothing wrong with inviting only risk players regardless of their relationship status.

And Sio...you know that you are at the extreme end of the bell curve on this topic right? And your reasons for that are based on your own reasoning and seem to have little to nothing to do with the etiquette of the situation. That decision is between you and your husband. I respect that. But that view isn't relevant for the vast majority of people who post here.

No, I don't think I am at the extreme end of anything. I might be saying something different, but I don't think its extreme.

It is rude to only invite half of a social unit to a gathering. Even if that gathering isn't just for couples.

I have never heard that if an event isnt geared towards couples, then its okay to exclude half of a social unit.

Do you mind sharing where you read that?

[SleepyKitty]

And Sio...you know that you are at the extreme end of the bell curve on this topic right? And your reasons for that are based on your own reasoning and seem to have little to nothing to do with the etiquette of the situation. That decision is between you and your husband. I respect that. But that view isn't relevant for the vast majority of people who post here.

Respectfully, this post came across a bit as though you thought SiotehCat shouldn't bother posting because her opinions are too extreme to be relevant for this forum. I think our own reasoning is relevant to the etiquette of any situation, because that's how we determine what the etiquette should be and whether or not it's exactly applicable in each unique circumstance. In this particular case, there is no firm etiquette for the situation, so I think people's personal experiences and beliefs are more relevant than usual because there is no firm etiquette to guide us.

I'm certainly not on the same end of the spectrum as SiotehCat, but I  enjoy her posts because I enjoy hearing an opinion that's outside the mainsteam, and she always presents them politely.

Err, edited because she doesn't "always presents them in a politely", she "always presents them politely". 

[Vall]

I don't think one should ever invite only half of a social unit, unless it's for some girls/ boys only activity.

As far as I know, the etiquette rule about social units is not limited to formal events only.

I would definitely be distancing myself from anyone that tried to do that to me or my DH.

This is the way that I see it too.  Either a person should invite both of us or neither of us.  I'd be miffed if a mutual friend invited my DH to a social gathering and excluded me.  If it were all one gender or all employees (no spouses), I'd understand.  But not a social gathering of mixed genders given by a mutual friend.

[Hillia]

Well, if my options are to have every social gathering ruined by the immature antics of one person, I wouldn't be associating with that partner.  I can see tolerating this at a casual BBQ or similar get together where there's no set agenda, but if her sole purpose is to ruin everyone else's enjoyment of a focused activity, I can't see why she has to be invited.


ETA:  This is not a 'social gathering', per se; it's a gaming session with very little socializing going on.  Would the opinions be the same if the game in question were, say, tennis, and Olivia kept running onto the court and blocking shots, making loud noises during serves, etc?  I agree that for a casual get together partners should always be invited, but that's not the situation here.

[ShadesOfGrey]

I dont think you are required to always invite a spouse just because it's mixed gathering. Sometimes the spouse would have no interest or simply isnt part of the same group.

[TurtleDove]

I dont think you are required to always invite a spouse just because it's mixed gathering. Sometimes the spouse would have no interest or simply isnt part of the same group.

I think it is better to allow the spouse to determine whether he or she has interest or wants to be a part of the group rather than to specifically NOT invite him or her.  It comes across as mean and rude to me to invite one couple but specifically exclude half of another couple.  If it's a girls night out, obviously the SOs aren't invited.  But if even one SO is included, I think it is "wrong" to specifically exclude SOs of others.

[Hillia]

I dont think you are required to always invite a spouse just because it's mixed gathering. Sometimes the spouse would have no interest or simply isnt part of the same group.

I think it is better to allow the spouse to determine whether he or she has interest or wants to be a part of the group rather than to specifically NOT invite him or her.  It comes across as mean and rude to me to invite one couple but specifically exclude half of another couple.  If it's a girls night out, obviously the SOs aren't invited.  But if even one SO is included, I think it is "wrong" to specifically exclude SOs of others.

Olivia has indicated quite clearly that she has no interest.  She deliberately ruins the gaming experience for everyone by distracting the players.

[TurtleDove]

Olivia has indicated quite clearly that she has no interest.  She deliberately ruins the gaming experience for everyone by distracting the players.

Yet she still attends, indicating she wants to be there.  I think to tell her that she is NOT invited would be rude.  I think the OP can certainly ask her not to come, but I think it would be rude.

[Twik]

You say that the reason why you want to have a get-together is that you are moving off in a few weeks.

And you say that you like Olivia (apart from her annoying clinginess to Paul). She is your friend; you were her bridesmaid.

You also make it obvious that Olivia does not like to play Risk, has no interest in it at all.

So my question is: is Risk the best option for an activity for this get-together-before-you-move-off?
What is your main focus that you want, what is the priority. Do you want a "last chance at playing Risk with a few people" before you move, or a "last chance to get together with them" before you move?

I think this is the crux of the whole thing.

Having a Risk night as your "going-away" party, and excluding Olivia is a pretty clear statement that you are not interested in socializing with Olivia. And there won't be a lot of further interaction for a while to soften that impression.

I agree with Amava, it would be kinder to have a non-Risk party, if you can't stand playing with Olivia present.

And I'm in agreement with Siotehcat as well - you cannot invite one part of a couple to a party on the grounds that you're not using the best dishes. It's "not done". Particularly if you were close enough to the neglected partner to be a bridesmaid. It really does say, "We like him, we dislike her".

[Shoo]

I don't think one should ever invite only half of a social unit, unless it's for some girls/ boys only activity.

As far as I know, the etiquette rule about social units is not limited to formal events only.

I would definitely be distancing myself from anyone that tried to do that to me or my DH.

This is the way that I see it too.  Either a person should invite both of us or neither of us.  I'd be miffed if a mutual friend invited my DH to a social gathering and excluded me.  If it were all one gender or all employees (no spouses), I'd understand.  But not a social gathering of mixed genders given by a mutual friend.

I completely agree.  It would really bother me if my husband was invited to a mixed-gender event and I was not.  Not only would it hurt my feelings, it would strike me as mean, ESPECIALLY if the host of the event was my friend too.

[Hmmmmm]

I don't think one should ever invite only half of a social unit, unless it's for some girls/ boys only activity.

As far as I know, the etiquette rule about social units is not limited to formal events only.

I would definitely be distancing myself from anyone that tried to do that to me or my DH.

This is the way that I see it too.  Either a person should invite both of us or neither of us.  I'd be miffed if a mutual friend invited my DH to a social gathering and excluded me.  If it were all one gender or all employees (no spouses), I'd understand.  But not a social gathering of mixed genders given by a mutual friend.

I'm suprised by this.  I agree that in most instances a social unit should be invited.  Except when the invitation is for an activity that only one part of the social unit participates in.

I'm engaged in a cooking/foodie type organization.  My husband does not participate except for one event per year.  I'm invited all the time to events and dinners that are attended by both men and women.  Sometimes couples attend together, but in most instances it is just one half of a couple.  An example:  On Saturday, an event is being hosted at the home of one of the group.  He sent me a email asking if I'd like to join.  He's met my DH a few times, but there was no mention of his joining because he would not enjoy spending the day learning to make what we will be making.  Or last year, I hosted a tamale making class at my home.  I invited just those people who would enjoy the class, not their spouses who would have been bored silly spending 10 hours making tamales. 

My DH plays tennis.  I do not.  He attends tennis activities that are co-ed frequently.  Tennis is the activity.  When the neighborhood tennis group gets together for a social activity that doesn't involve tennis, then the non-tennis playing spouses are invited. 

I see nothing wrong with saying "Hey Paul, we are getting a foursome together to play tennis on Saturday.  Do you want to be our 4th".  He would then confirm with his wife that they had no plans for tennis on Saturday and go play tennis.  I see nothing different with an invitation to be a 4th in Risk.  This isn't an invitation to a party as much as it is an invitation to an activity.